There is a long list of things I won’t do, among them:
- Attend a baby shower
- Eat coconut
- Comment on people’s new haircuts
But one of the top things on this list of personal policies is:
- Attend a Renaissance Festival
It’s not like I was ever traumatized by a knight as a child or beaten by a big-busted wench. I just hate renaissance festivals. I don’t think this really needs a reason. But hanging out with a bunch of dorks who dress up as 16th-century English villagers, speak with fake cockney accents, and pretend to actually be ale-swilling, sword-fighting Tudors makes me want to hurl in the privy.
So when I found myself at the Maryland Renaissance Festival on Sunday afternoon, bribed into attending by The Princess and her friends Cagey and Rory, I made sure to enjoy it as little as possible. And I failed.
The truth was, it didn’t suck. I won’t say I liked it or that I’d go back next year, but it definitely didn’t suck balls. And here’s why:
1. Cleavage
Though I hate the costumes of whatever ridiculous era revelers are trying to emulate, seeing most women wearing breast-endowing corsets is easily the best part of attending these nerdfests. Sure, I don’t need to see women who are well past the age of expectancy from 500 years ago squeezing into these lung-crunchers, but most chicks’ ample bosoms and cut-off Daisy Dukes made for nice eye candy and didn’t make me want to joust myself.
2. Nerdfest
Speaking of nerds, the MRF attracts some of the least socially accepted dregs of society. If you’re an outcast at your school, picked on by even your own parents, or generally reviled by the outside world, you will find acceptance and love here. All you need is a costume with a fake sword, pantaloons, and a funny hat and you’ll be the coolest kid in the realm.
3. Feats of strength
If you want to impress your date and feel like a man’s man, go for the festival games that test a man’s testosterone count. Just make sure you succeed. Though adept at knife-throwing and dart-tossing, I eschewed the battle axe hurling and wench dousing games to test my strength on Thor’s Hammer. I pounded that fucking lever like it was a Guatemalan trying to steal my wallet four times but not once came close to making the top bell ring. As I left, humiliated and sure The Princess wouldn’t be putting out that night, the guy running the game looked at me and said, in his best Poindexter voice, “Go back to your keyboard.”
4. Cute kids
Nothing gets a chick’s uterus jumping more than seeing photogenic children acting all adorable and shit. Even I found these little fucking imps to be endearing. Between dressing up as fairies, scaling the climbing wall, or running after bubbles, these pip-squeaks are not the most detestable people you’ll ever see and might restore your faith in humanity.
5. Meat on sticks
Have you ever wanted to walk around like Henry VIII eating a huge turkey leg? Me, too! Between the meats on sticks, fried macaroni and cheese, and ice cream, the food at MRF was reasonably priced and enough to make you feel like a royal glutton. It was, besides The Princess paying my $17 entry fee, one of the few reasons I agreed to attend.
6. It only happens once a year
So the Princess can’t make me go again. Take back Sunday! It’s ManDay.
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…and I’ll wait for the obvious question, because someone’s going to bring it up.
Go ahead and ask it…
Jeebus, even I can’t stop staring at that cleavage.
It’s hypnotizing.
I was going to ask the obvious question, but can’t bring myself to let 66 have that.
I will say that I cannot imagine a Renaissance Fest without picturing Reno 911’s Patton Oswalt, who lives “in a world of cold steel, dungeons, and mightly foes.”
I definitely ran into those type of guys, who call themselves LARKers or something like that.
I was cajoled into going on Saturday — without a corset — and at least three times, I heard someone say, “Food always tastes better on a stick.” This is my new favorite quote.
Did you try the turkey leg?
smart kids like the Ren Fair because they get a field trip from school when their not-as-smart classmates have to stay indoors and learn trig
God I sucked at trig; I think I barely passed with a B.
perhaps we should have a corset-themed happy hour? and now i want something on a stick….
What would be the name? Cleavage and Meat? Bosoms and Sticks?
My next Halloween costume may be cleavage on a stick. Tasty!
I can already see Rory’s eyeballs popping out. And mine.
I saw the pictures in the Post last week. Apparently if you weigh 300 lbs, your tits are bound to be larger than a C cup, corset, shoulder harness, steel titanium underwire, whatever. If that’s what you’re looking for, however…
Rory and I were discussing during the festival how seeing old cleavage was a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it’s cleavage. On the other, it’s 60-year-old woman skin.
My god that wasn’t english at all. By that I mean, regardless of how you push them titties up…
All I can think of when I read this is (1) Bart saying “Eat my pantaloons” and (2) no wonder you didn’t return my calls Sunday…you were sprinkled in fairy dust.
That’s not even a euphemism.
allright, as a veteran of rennisance fair(e)s in Miami, a few comments:
First, these people are not just LARPers and d&d nerds, but also thepeople in theater class in high school who were not cool or talented enough to get onstage so instead they did tech (hence the emphasis on stage fighting, costume design, and esoteric theatrical forms like commedia del arte)
Thus while they are welcoming to visitors who come to look at them and have a good time for a day, they can be unbelievably obnoxious and catty to one another. The Chessmasters (the group who ran the human chessgame at the Vizcaya rennisance fair in Miami, but not the people who organized or ran the event) were honestly the biggest group of xenophobic douchebags I’ve ever met, with a few exceptions.
I volunteered to fulfill a community service requirement for highschool and took my duties seriously, despite being mocked for the innaccuracy of my costume and generally not ponying up the money to become an official member of chessmasters.
Vizcaya only ran the fair to make ends meet. When the state ponied up more money, the fair ceased, and I have no idea what happened to the group. Either way, good riddance. No more Ren fairs for me.
Great to get your expertise here. Have you gone to festivals/fairs in other cities? If so, how do they compare?
I found the employees working here to be amiable, entertaining, and gregarious with only a slight tinge of obnoxiousness. The real tools were some of the visitors who dressed up themselves to attend.
My favorite was self-loathing on a stick.
What is the obvious question?
We’ll get the question before the day is out.
I did, indeed, eat a turkey leg — which, by virtue of having a natural stick, can be served at the Renn Fest. Actually, I ate about half a turkey leg, and my companion ate the other half (after eating his own). We then shared some chocolate-dipped cheesecake on a stick, and contemplated a frozen banana on a stick, all while watching jousting and Shakespeare, and mocking people in costume. Good times!
And for the record, I went to the fair that JPS wrote about at Vizcaya in Miami when I was in high school — on a field trip co-sponsored by the Drama Club and the English honor society.
“…my companion ate the other half (after eating his own).” You realize how funny this sounds, right?
Whatever. I had fun, you had fun, we all had fun. You liked it. Admit it.
I believe I did when I said “It didn’t suck”. That’s all you’re getting out of me.
See, thats kind of the problem, and as such I kind of have to apologize for my vitriol. The limited encounters I had with the people who actuallyran the fair generally made me think they were good people, and it was possible to work or volunteer with no interaction with the stage fighting troop. It just so happened I had friends in it whose companions on the troop treated me unkindly. I need to go to another Ren fair and see if my experiences really are a phenomenon of any kind, or if this was just the product of a few bad apples.
I’m pretty sure the obvious question is that you said you would list 6 things and only listed 5.
But then, you’re also retarded for even going to that kind of hell-hole. You know my biggest social fear is the Socially Retarded - be they RenFair kids, theater majors, or aggressive LOTR freaks.
Besides, it would just remind me of that “King of the Hill” episode all day. And when we were forced to throw four(!) Renaissance Festivals when I was a camp counselor.
I totally thought about that King of the Hill episode.
Your fear of socially retarded people has merit.
please don’t tell me the cleavage counts for two reasons and that is why there are only 5 things listed while your title says 6 reasons… that is just so cliche.
Sure, let’s go with that reason.
[help explain Arj's mathematical ineptitude]
Cleavage is two boobs, so it counts twice.
[/help explain Arj's mathematical ineptitude]
Dammit. Beaten to the punch by MJ.
The #6 reason should be it only happens once a year, so the Princess can’t make you go again. Take back Sunday! It’s ManDay (not jesus…brady)
Done and done. That is now the 6th reason.
There we go! MJ and WiB are on it. That’s absolutely what I was thinking… but evidently…
I’m going to take a stab at the “obvious” question here:
Is that Scarlett Johansson’s S&M loving, tattooed twin sister in the cleavage pic?
I’m just saying, it looks like her…a little. That was the question, wasn’t it? It’s so obvious.
Another coconut hater…thank God. Seriously, I will perform some ungodly acts before I eat coconut.
Good food and breasts on display? Next year, I’m there!
Wow– you covered all the highlights. I went to the Renaissance festival about five years ago, somewhat against my will. The highlights were:
1) running into my Latin professor, who freaked out about the fact that I saw him wearing shorts. Um, trust me, anything I happen to see at a Renaissance festival is in the vault. I’m bragging about that to nobody.
2) I threw axes!
3) In the picture of me with the filthy man running the axe-throwing booth, he is leering at me with his tongue hanging out. Hotness– I SO could have had 16th c. ass. Bet you’re envious… unless you got hit on by some wenches…
did you know, the giant turkeylegs are actually emu?
When I was a kid there was a character on a children’s TV show here called “Boris the Black Knight.” In real life, the guy who played Boris was a peadophile and was convicted for kiddie fiddling. I will never trust a knight, shining armour or not.
You just totes convinced me to be a beer wench for Halloween. Now I just have to learn the appropriate lexicon…how does one say “ladychute” in RenSpeak?
At first I thought you’d list the meat on a stick first. But the cleavage, duh. I should have known better.
the tats, the crimson bangs, the hypnotic cleavage….
the beer in a plastic cup.
marriage material.
Tats + beer in a plastic cup = Jason Wahler’s engagement party.
Anyone? Hills reference, seriously?
Totally off topic, but… Let’s Go D’Backs, Let’s Go!
oh man, new york’s ren fest totally SUCKS. It’s like a street fair with a Medieval spin. What I really like about the MRF (mentally retarded female!) is that it’s in a forest.
I know I’m seriously delayed on commenting on this topic, but I couldn’t help notice that one thing you will not do is comment on people’s haircuts. As you well know Arjewtino, I love this statement and believe it should be adopted by all. I don’t get a haircut for everyone to ask, “Hey, did you get a haircut?” or come to the mind-blowing conclusion, “Hey, you got a haircut!” I got it cut so I can stand in the mirror and say “Damn, I look good.” My reason and I’m sure for others is purely made in vain. There I said it.
Oh I forgot, being a nerd myself, I support the geek community. The MRF is the geek’s version of the WWF. And yes, I do believe the jousting and sword fights are real.
I love Ren faires. Few are close to historical accuracy, but who minds when there are thousands of healthy European-Americans enjoying freedom to enjoy white culture and company, even if it takes commercial events to reunite them and spark that old flame of white community.
Can we be honest for a milisecond, you can’t possibly believe that ALL of the incredibly attractive women at faire are LARPers or D&D nerds. Its a breeding ground for intellectuals, and it shares the same kind of sex ridden atmosphere most of us found in our High School’s band department. It is quality entertainment, and while their are first class douchbags there, its extremely likely that you’ll meet some of the nicest people on earth there.