Monday, July 9th, 2007...10:02 am
Alyssa Milano almost cost me a friendship
Courtesy of MLB
If we do nothing else noble or heroic in our lives, men at least adhere to one rule: Never Go After Your Friend’s Wife or Girlfriend.
We can add another one: Never Go After Your Friend’s Celebrity Crush.
Alyssa and I (can I call her Alyssa? No? Ok, Ms. Milano and I) first met 20 years ago when she was signing autographs at the in Canoga Park, California. She was there with Scott Valentine, who played Nick from Family Ties, and who I was told was some sort of teen heartthrob. Mallory must have been hard-up.
I waited several hours to have Alyssa Milano sign my 8×10, black-and-white headshot of the only girl whose Teen Beat photos and posters ever graced my wall. I finally got to the front of the line in front of Mervyn’s and there she was. Alyssa Milano. Samantha Micelli, 15 years old (three years older than me), and gorgeous.
I had had plenty of teen crushes before. The Childlike Empress from The Neverending Story. That girl who played Annie in the movie Annie. My mom’s friend. But they all paled in comparison to Alyssa Milano.
She asked my name and I think I said the right one. She started to sign the picture, writing something like “Best Wishes” or “Meet me in the food court in 15 minutes” when I began to realize this would be the last — and only — time she would be in my life.
No, no, it’s going too fast, I thought, Scott Valentine wants to leave, Alyssa is a golden goddess, no, just wait, shut up, Nick, give me a second.
Mustering a level of courage I could never display with the cute girls in my class, I opened my mouth and asked Alyssa Milano for one favor, one memory that would comfort my acne-plagued, height-stunted teen years: “Can I have a hug?”
Oh, somewhere angels sing and saints are praised; somewhere beauty’s revered and the poetic lines of man lionized. But never was a place so perfect as that one, where the words that Alyssa Milano was about to utter so exalted and venerated: “Sure.”
She leaned in, placed her right cheek on mine, and squeezed. Not like the girls at school who got “grossed out” when they touched me. She gave a soft moan, I closed my eyes, and it was over.
I said thank you and left the mall. That memory never left.
So when a friend recently told me how he and Alyssa Milano started chatting through her baseball blog, and then forwarded me e-mail threads as proof, and I read where she said how funny he is and how great his blog is, and how she might come down in August and she coyly wrote “maybe we’ll have to meet up for a beer and a hot dog at the game”, I seriously considered ending the friendship. I think my exact words were, “I want to dismember you.”
Never has a prank worked so well.
INPY had me fuming all day, going so far as to forward seemingly real missives from Alyssa Milano’s own personal e-mail.
—–Original Message—–
From: Alyssa [mailto:]
Sent: Friday, June 29, 2007 11:39 AM
To:
Subject: re: Who Knew?
He let me “in” on his prank later that night when I threatened to disown him as a friend. Part of me was naturally relieved. The other part was sad that my chance of possibly seeing Alyssa Milano again when she visited in August was gone. I even had the whole conversation planned out:
INPY: “Alyssa, this is Arjewtino.”
Alyssa: “Nice to meet you, Arjewtino.”
Arjewtino: “Oh, we’ve already met.”
The rest, as they say, would have been history…
Thanks .
28 Comments
July 9th, 2007 at 10:17 am
The INPY throwaway line explained! Carrie was wrong - this was totally worth it. That might be the best (worst?) prank of all-time. The celebrity crush is not to be messed with. If one of my boys stole Jessica Alba from me, I would be devastated. Really, it’s this very situation that laid the foundation for . The LLFD is the world’s great equalizer. Trust me.
Maggie Gyllenhaal is a great choice for celebrity crushes, too, but your friend doesn’t have a history with Jake’s brother like I do with Alyssa. She can become “unlaminated” at any time.
July 9th, 2007 at 10:18 am
Man, that’s a harsh joke (that I laughed quite a bit over). But honestly, what do you expect from a Yankees fan in DC? He has no other source of entertainment than torturing you, considering a certain below-.500 AL East team (and for once, I’m not talking about the Orioles).
If torturing me is entertainment, then he must be having the time of his life.
July 9th, 2007 at 10:32 am
So as soon as The Princess is out of the country you are once again dreaming of your childhood crushes?
Once again? It never stopped. I tell her about them all the time. Besides, I have to put up with her love of Dominic Moynawhatever, the guy who plays McNulty on The Wire.
July 9th, 2007 at 10:45 am
GOD this was so funny….
You were an accomplice. Consider yourself on the hook.
July 9th, 2007 at 10:57 am
I have a crush on US Women’s National Team midfielder Aly Wagner. She recently married someone who is not me. I know it is merely a facade.
Of course it is; these celebrity crushes of ours will one day see how much we love them.
July 9th, 2007 at 11:09 am
When I was a kid I had a crush on the kid from Free Willy (just the first one, he went downhill after the 1st movie) and on Johnny Quest (but he was a cartoon).
I gotta say, I laughed out loud at your short lived crush on the Childlike Empress.
My softball team and I had a discussion last week about which cartoon character we’d want to bang. I said Beauty from Beauty and the Beast and a buddy of mine said Smurfette. So don’t feel bad about Johnny Quest.
The Free Willy kid, though? Feel bad about that.
July 9th, 2007 at 11:33 am
if anyone could pull off the prank, it’d be INPY. He had me going too. Bastard.
July 9th, 2007 at 11:41 am
This is serious stuff. I almost got in a catfight over Josh Hartnet with a sorority girl.
See, celebrity crushes should not be taken lightly.
July 9th, 2007 at 11:44 am
Smurfette?!
It’s all about human Ariel from The Little Mermaid. No voice, and significantly less fish-smelling. What’s not to love?
Yeah, she was brought up during that conversation.
July 9th, 2007 at 11:46 am
Cheetara from Thunder Cats was my favorite pussy (cat) as a kid.
July 9th, 2007 at 11:56 am
Oh man, I’ve had a SLEW of celeb crushes. Hell, I still do. Michelle & I get in fights over who Mischa Barton would love more & who loves her more. I swear it’s me.
My cousin & I used to get in fights about JTT when we were kids.
JTT? When you were a kid? NOW I feel old.
July 9th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
My personal favorite moment of this;
“if you were ever my friend you would SO invite me along to meet her if that DOES happen! btw, i am fuming here. please, oh, please, you’ve GOT to introduce me to her! and tell her to read my blog. just imagining her typing out the words arjewtino makes me shiver.”
I all but fell out of my chair reading that. And really, I was laughing as I wrote that convinced you’d call me on it.
The worst part about this? The fact that I still have a small inkling that it actually was true and you’re just not telling me.
July 9th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
Yes, thank you, Freckled K for reminding me. I forgot to mention the blog that honors Alyssa Milano AND the Dodgers (”Great combination? Or greatest combination?”) all in the same blog:
http://popcultured.wordpress.com/
July 9th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
Accomplice? Oh no no.. I just had knowledge of it. I didn’t PARTICIPATE.
That’s called aiding and abetting. Tell it to the jury.
July 9th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
Remember the “Invite a Blogger”? Just you wait and see who I’ve got coming to the next HH…
Remember Culito? I’m going to have that Puerto Rican cut you.
July 9th, 2007 at 12:31 pm
I sent your link to Alyssa Milano’s blog, too.
Crossing fingers.
July 9th, 2007 at 12:49 pm
The only thing Culito can cut is his own Menudo hair…which he really does himself.
July 9th, 2007 at 1:09 pm
I was going to suggest we get Mr. Sheriff involved. He would have had lots of good suggestions on how to handle your “friend”.
I’m all ears.
July 9th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
culito cut you? more like culito hug you.
i loved joey mac from new kids on the block when i was little. in fact, i told all my cousins i was going to marry him. when he came back into the spotlight a few years ago my cousins reminded me of my future husband… i think hes married now but i still voted for him on dancing with the stars.
That’s very sweet. I think what people are missing from this post is that it’s not just a celebrity crush INPY messed with: it’s a celebrity crush I’ve actually met!
July 9th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
For what it’s worth, I was promised an intro as well. And here I was hoping she’d bring friends for the rest of us…
You mean Rose McGowan and Shannen Doherty, right?
July 9th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
I swear to God, I wasn’t halfway through your story before I started to panic, myself… I already had another window open and was ready to email INPY and tell him of MY enduring love for Alyssa. (And I can call her that; I had a life-size poster of her in my room, not those piddly Tiger Beat foldouts.)
You made me laugh and laugh and laugh. I shared it with crewmates here in Africa, and you made THEM laugh, too.
Oh, and I totally crushed on the Empress, too.
Seriously, the Empress was a knockout.
July 10th, 2007 at 9:08 am
Aw don’t feel old. (even though you are… i mean what?)
Let’s see…. I had my big crush on JTT around the time The Lion King came out. That was like… 1995 so I was around 11.
I’m laughing, by the way.
In 1995 I was entering my junior year in college. Awesome.
July 10th, 2007 at 9:22 am
See dude, I’m entertaining the troops…God bless America and all that….it was totally worth it.
July 10th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
Though it pains me to compliment a Yankees fan, this is truly an outstanding piece of work.
You’re only encouraging him, Hammer.
July 11th, 2007 at 3:32 am
You got done, big time!! Not nice but if you take a step back you can see the funny side of it. Although, if a friend of mine did that to me, dismemberment would be the least of their worries:)
July 19th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
I could not stop laughing AJT…
I thought she was MY teenage crush. Actually, it was her until Alison Smith (played “Annie” on Broadway and the one daughter on “Kate and Allie”) sent me an autographed 8×10 after she read a post card I sent her with the bizarre bit of trivia that she and I were born on the same day.
Nice post. Alyssa’s the bomb…but don’t worry…she’s yours.
July 31st, 2007 at 9:53 am
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