Top 6 most awkward childhood moments for girls

This week, I’m doing a week-long series of lists. Today I present a guest blog by Crissy, a hot mommy blogger who just so happens to be nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger.

In fact, if Crissy wins, she has promised to post a picture of herself nude. Stoogepie has started a Nude MILF contest to help her win. So go vote for her.

I showed Crissy a blog post I read detailing the 8 most awkward childhood moments. As a guy, I found it hysterical. But it was too male-centric (e.g., first boner, first wet dream) so I asked her to write a post detailing what embarrassing moments girls went through.

Here’s what she wrote:

Top 6 most awkward childhood moments for girls

When Arjewtino asked Crissy to write about the embarrassing moments of girlhood she thought to herself “Oh. That’s easy! This will be fun!” And then she jumped up and down and clapped her hands like a five-year-old girl who just got a pony.

Okay. Maybe Crissy wasn’t that excited, but she was pretty happy.

And then Crissy thought and she thought and then she decided to phone a friend because really Crissy has no idea if her girlhood humiliations are her own little private humiliations or if everyone goes through the same stuff. Turns out Crissy’s childhood was not so abnormal as she thought and this is terrible news because Crissy is no longer able to use the following excuses to explain why she is at times all boozy and pillsy and incoherent and stuff.

1. First period:

Crissy remembers standing up after History class in 10th grade (Crissy was what they call a “late bloomer.” She’s still waiting for her boobies to come in. Any day now! Fingers crossed!) and her friend Amy pointed out that there was blood on her chair and on her favorite skirt. Crissy had to go to the school nurse with Amy’s sweater wrapped around her waist and ask her to call her grandma to come and bring her some clean panties and a clean skirt. There’s nothing more humiliating than your grandma showing up at school and marching down the hallway with your neatly folded panties, a skirt, and a box of maxie pads stacked in her arms. She didn’t even put it in a BAG! And as if that wasn’t enough, she went to work on the stains immediately in the sink in the school nurse’s office! Thanks Grandma. I know you were trying to help but SERIOUSLY WOMAN!?!

2. First bra fitting:

Crissy is sensing a pattern here as her grandma was directly involved in this one too. Crissy’s grandma took her for her first bra and made her try it on over her clothes in the middle of the store. And then Crissy’s great grandma took her to buy another one and announced to everyone at Caldor’s Department Store that they were there to buy Crissy’s first training bra. And THEN for Christmas Crissy’s mom bought her some more little bras and Crissy didn’t know what was in the box and she opened the gift in front of her dad and her brother and her dad snapped the following picture of her(!):

Sweet.

It was a Christmas memory to block out only to be shared with the Internet 18 years later.

3. Sending your first love note to a boy and being brutally rebuffed:

You might find this hard to believe but Crissy was boy repellent for most of her adolescence. Check this out. Crissy once sent a note to a boy that said “Do you like me? Check this box if yes.” And Crissy got back a crumpled up note with an unchecked box and “you’re a fucking dog” whispered under his breath. Crissy also had to scramble to find a date to the Prom and so she called all 3 of the boys she knew to see if they would like to go with her and they all said some variation of “no way in fucking hell” and so she wound up taking Nicole Dykas instead. Nicole did not put out despite what her last name implied and after the dance Crissy and Nicole went back to Crissy’s place and ate cocktail weenies that Crissy’s mom made and then watched Saturday Night Live and went to sleep. Clearly, Crissy did not lose her virginity that night like all the other girls did which made her even more of a freak than she was already. At least she had Nicole the not-so-Dyke-y Dykas to cry in her cocktail weenies with.

4. Finding out your boyfriend is G-A-Y:

Who knew? As if the obsession with Madonna and the extremely soft and smooth skin didn’t give it away, seeing him kissing another boy did it. DUH!!!! How could Crissy have been so stupid?

5. Finding out your boyfriend is an Asshole:

While Crissy was at the mall shopping with her very first boyfriend ever, who, by the way, Crissy was truly, madly, deeply in love with and totally having inappropriate teenage sex with, a beautiful girl came up to them and said “Tommy? Who’s this girl?” Turns out Tommy was her boyfriend too. Crissy was so overwhelmed by this information that she hyperventilated and then threw up Taco Bell on the two of them in front of God and everyone at the mall and then began to cry and gasp uncontrollably. Way keep your dignity, Crissy. Catherine of Aragon would have been impressed.

6. Gym Class:

All of it.

Anyhooter, that is Crissy’s sad story of childhood humiliation. There are soooo many more things that we could cover here but Crissy has to save some for her own blog and also you don’t care.

Please, feel free to share your humiliations with Crissy so she can feel a little better about herself.

You can even make stuff up if you want.