Thursday, January 3rd, 2008...9:38 am
Profiles in Excellence: How to talk to kids while beating them up
In one of my favorite This American Life podcasts, Dan Savage of Savage Love fame narrates his story of being a young substitute teacher at a U.S. military base in Germany. In a moment of pure exasperation only educators can relate to, he tells an incorrigible kid who was acting up in his classroom to “Knock it the fuck off you piece of shit.â€
This story, which cracks me up every time (and can be heard HERE), is one of the tales told in How to Talk to Kids.
You know kids, right? Those ungrateful little punks who wear Heelys and punch commuters in the balls on the Metro? Who make it necessary for online quizzes to determine how many five-year-olds adults can beat up? Who go from being adorable little imps to taking pictures of themselves getting drunk on Facebook?
In the This American Life episode, Ira Glass interviews a bunch of these little boogers who complain that adults just don’t know how to talk to them. Many of us, myself included, usually start conversations with these crazy Leprechaun demons with the following stand-by questions:
1. “How’s school?â€
2. “What’s your favorite subject?â€
3. “Do you have a girlfriend?â€
4. “The last time I saw you, you were THIS tall!â€
I remember being a child and being annoyed by what seemed like adults’ collective obtuseness in talking with me. But now as an adult, I am at a loss as to what to talk to them about. So when I saw The Princess’ young cousins during our trip to Missouri for Christmas, I resorted to what any other mature adult would do when meeting a bunch of miniature trolls:
I punched them.
I didn’t punch all of them, of course. Only two of them, these 8-year-old boys who thought it was funny when I took a Nerf football and used it to strike their faces. They’d fall down laughing and act hurt. Then they’d get back up and attack me until I boxed them in the face again.
This continued for an amazingly long time. And my punches got harder and harder as I got wrapped up in the joy of socking these human punching bags until I was swinging at them with full force (my blows tempered by the soft padding of the football).
“Arjewtino!†yelled The Princess at one point after a particularly strong punch to one of the boys’ faces. “This is getting disturbing.â€
It probably was disturbing. But then again, it was fun. So I kept hitting them as their parents laughed or shrugged their shoulders.
Dealing with girls is different, though. The Princess’ 13-year-old cousin, for example, is quickly becoming the emotional, “whatever†teenager that we all were at some point. Seeing as she was always sprinkling her conversations with “like†this or “like†that, and texting her friends with messages such as, “R U cuming ovr L8er?â€, I decided to communicate with her the only way I knew how.
“LOL!†I told her once after she made a funny comment. “ROTF! LMAO!â€
I didn’t say “laughing out loud†or the words of the other acronyms. I actually said them as if they were words. The cousin was not amused.
“You used to be much funnier when I was younger,†she told me.
“I’m still just as funny,†I replied. “It’s just that your sense of humor has matured.â€
I wonder if this is just the predictable cycle of growing up. When you’re a child, you want to grow up yet disdain other adults and their lack of imagination. And once you do grow up, you look at these kids as if they were obnoxious Martians and finally realize the meaning of the adage, “Youth is wasted on the young”.
In his story, Dan Savage didn’t get fired from his teaching gig because the principal practically encouraged him to lie about cursing at the little twerp. Savage goes on to share that the kid learned a valuable lesson that day:
That kid was bad. But adults are worse. We swear, we lie, we abuse our authority… Yes, the lying was wrong, I guess. But telling him to knock it the fuck off? He had it coming.”
I can’t wait to have my own kids.
13 Comments
January 3rd, 2008 at 10:15 am
I liked that This American Life episode, as well. Your post reminds me of how my older step-brother used to punch me or nearly suffocate me by sitting on top of a giant bean bag which he had first placed on top of me or, basically, abuse the shit out of me. Sometimes it kind of hurt, but I’d find myself laughing uncontrollably, anyway. It was our primary form of communication. And I thought it was pretty cool.
I used to do similar things to my little brother, who’s 7 years younger than me, only to have him run to our mom “telling on me”. I also once locked my sister in a giant toy chest and told my parents she ran away.
January 3rd, 2008 at 10:20 am
My communication with my 5-year-old cousin is more unspoken; I let him eat ice cream and pizza, watch Ben 10 for the tenth time and stay up late. As a reward, he lets me read his parents magazines in peace and drink all their fancy beer. We have a good arrangement.
What’s Ben 10? Is this like Eon Kid from Saturday Morning Cartoons?
January 3rd, 2008 at 10:39 am
The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk about Fight Club.
If this is your first night, you have to fight.
I think I’ll start a club called Mini-Fight Club. First rule of Mini-Fight Club: You must fight someone 20 years younger than yourself.
January 3rd, 2008 at 10:46 am
So true!
My nephews (ages 8 and 10) decided I was the cool aunt when I had a burping contest with them. They were laughing hysterically. Later they said to their dad “do you know your sister burps?!?”
I wish I could compete in a burping contest. Along with whistling and bubble-gum-blowing contests. But I suck at all of them.
January 3rd, 2008 at 11:41 am
Well, before you were upset about never having punched someone in a real fight. I don’t think these 8 year olds count, but you could be working up to a real fight. Think of it like going to the gym and these kids are like when you do a few reps with just the bar (no weights) before you start benchpressing.
This month, I want you find a nine year old and beat him up. By next year, you will kicking junior high school kids in the groin, and by the time you are my age, you will be punching out cops and have gang tattoos. Then you can have cool anecdotes and say stuff like “and then he said “nice to meet you, Simon” and I knifed him…twice.”
Sounds like a great plan for spiritual growth in 2008. Thanks!
January 3rd, 2008 at 11:45 am
I love that episode. I made my uncle listen to it, and told him that’s how I was going to roll with his kid. Wham! Instantly removed from the babysitting list. There’s another one, “David and Goliath,” I think that features an older sister tormenting her little sister. Reminds me of my youth.
Sounds familiar but I’m not sure if I have heard that one. I’ll check it out.
Great job getting out of babysitting gigs. Though this is, I’m sure, how I will also act like a parent.
January 3rd, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Ben 10 is some cartoon about super powers or something. I don’t really know; I am usually drunk and watching him play with knives as the TV is on…
Ok, you made me go look it up. Looks like something I would have loved when I was a kid:
http://www.cartoonnetwork.com/tv_shows/ben10/index.html
January 3rd, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Kids under 10 are perfect for hitting in the face. They love that stuff.
Until you make them cry and give them bloody noses.
I’m just sayin’
That’s the thing. This kid could really take a punch. He’s going to be a great boxer some day.
January 3rd, 2008 at 1:45 pm
First of all, let me say I love the dogs pictures. I am, after all, a dog person.
Second, I love this post. In teaching High School I get plenty attitude that wants me to punch the kids in the face and tell them to knock it the fuck off. And my kids are famous for being good. It’s the ones I meet in the hall I want to choke. Like the idiots who whack me with their backpacks and don’t apologize. Aaaarghh!!
You and The Princess, who teaches middle school kids, should share stories.
January 3rd, 2008 at 3:33 pm
My kids are *not* famous for being good…so being a teacher is hard because I sometimes really want to cuss at the kids and shake the hell out of them, only I don’t want to lose my job or go to jail.
I also really wish you hadn’t told people that you punched my 8-yr-old cousin. It’s still disturbing to me.
I didn’t like the way that kid was looking at me.
January 3rd, 2008 at 4:06 pm
My brother is 6 years younger then me. For 15 years we communicated using only fists, knees, elbows and blunt objects. Our savagery would occasionally reduce my mum (who doesn’t have any brothers and had no idea what she was getting into)to tears.
I don’t remember any interesting conversations I had when I was 8. I do remember all the big fights, gruesome accidents and weird things people could do with their bodies. Based on this I think face punching is a perfectly acceptable way to break the ice with 8 year olds.
Your entry has made me nostalgic for the days when I could punch my brother in the stomach and dangle him over the bannister until he cried. I felt so much more…alive.
I know, it made me miss beating up my siblings, too. My brother could now probably kick my ass, I don’t know. I might have to find out next time I go home.
January 3rd, 2008 at 7:02 pm
I had two boys. The elder used to sit on the younger and fart in his face. I say punch em all.
A classic older brother assault tactic.
January 3rd, 2008 at 9:23 pm
I used to babysit kids all the time. There was one particular boy whose Mum thought was a genius, even though he used to do puppetry of the penis at the age of 3 or 4. I somehow managed to refrain from physically laying a hand on him, even though he tested my patience to the max. After a particularly rough day of pulling up this kid’s pants 2453 times as he decided to flash people walking down the street, the mother came home and asked how her “little genius” was. My answer ensured I was never asked back to babysit.
I heard this kid got expelled from school. Good.
Puppetry of the Penis would make a great name for a band.
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