Poker in the front, breaking and entering in the rear

May

Filed Under (DC) by on 01-05-2008

I am an incredible blackjack player. I’m not nearly as good as the card-counting protagonist of Bringing Down the House, but then again I’m not Asian.

More often than not, though, I win at blackjack. They key is to not play desperate, never bet more than you’re willing to lose, and know when to take a chance. Oh, and don’t sit at a table with retarded people.

Once in Vegas, I was at a blackjack table with my friends Blue, Big I, and Scotty. Also joining us was a guy who was a couple of bulbs short of a full deck.

This idiot savant could win. And he won big. Every other hand it seemed like he would draw 21. And every time he did, he would shout “Blackjack!” like he had won the fucking lottery. Oh, and he would start barking and meowing like a house pet.

Yes, the man barked and meowed. Out loud. He even once asked the dealer to hit him on 15 with the dealer showing a 5. He drew a 6. This ridiculous style of play royally fucked us up and we lost more than we won.

The one gambling game I suck at, though, is poker. Maybe it’s because I couldn’t bluff my way out of a paper bag or because I can’t tell when other people are full of shit, but I have always lost at this game.

Still, when my work friend Phillip the Frenchman invited me over to his apartment recently for a poker tournament, I thought I could reverse years of bad luck. The only problem was getting there.

This was the e-mail he sent to me and some other co-workers:

Pretty clear directions, right? You’d think. I walked over to the building and was buzzed in. I took the elevator to the 17th floor and found apartment 1703. I knocked on the door.

Nothing.

Thinking they were outside on the balcony smoking and drinking and couldn’t hear me, I tried the door knob and found it was unlocked.

I walked in to find an empty apartment.

“Phillip?” I shouted. “Phillip?”

Nothing.

I walked in to the living room and took a look around. They were not on the balcony. They were not in the kitchen. There was no one there. As I weighed my options, a girl came out of the bedroom.

I didn’t know Phillip had a female roommate, I thought.

“Can I help you,” she asked.

“Hi, yeah, is Phillip here?”

“Uh, no…you have the wrong apartment.”

Oh. Fuck.

“Is this 1703?” I asked while planning my escape route and hoping she didn’t have a gun. It was Virginia, after all.

“Yeah, but there’s no Philip here.”

Considering she was talking to a man who had just illegally entered her apartment, this chick was remarkably composed. She didn’t scream or feel threatened. In fact, she acted like this sort of thing happens all the time.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry,” I said as I left, trying my best not to seem menacing.

“That’s ok!” she replied.

I called Phillip from the hallway and asked him to verify his apartment number.

“1903,” he said.

Motherfucker.

I got to his place and told everyone what had happened. The first question out of their mouths: “Was she hot?

I lost $50 that night, though I felt like I played ok and even won a hand or two. We got drunk off our asses on scotch whiskey and had a good time.

Next time, though, I’ll be barking like a dog.

FLICKR PHOTO CREDIT

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Comments

The Maiden Metallurgist on 1 May, 2008 at 12:46 pm #

So was she hot?

The Maiden Metallurgist’s last blog post..Questions

Nope. Would that have made a difference whether or not I got kicked in the nads?

Nickels on 1 May, 2008 at 12:53 pm #

Are you fucking serious???? You are lucky you weren’t arrested or shot… LOL!!!!!!! You got lucky, she could have screamed bloody murder!

As for poker, i am ok… lets have a gay poker night!! Strip works too … lol

A sentence I will never respond to: “let’s have a gay poker night.”

I-66 on 1 May, 2008 at 1:19 pm #

I think if not for the fact that you were speaking, since no burglar worth his ski mask would make noise, you probably would have been shot or otherwise harmed.

Thank goodness you don’t look like you could beat up a child, much less an adult woman.

I-66’s last blog post..Build a better alarm clock

Hey, you know as well as anyone that I can beat up 16 five-year-olds. There should be one for strange women.

Shannon on 1 May, 2008 at 1:43 pm #

I would have screamed bloody murder. Just last week, I almost took a swing at my boyfriend because I thought he was a burglar. (In my defense, he’d gone out early in the morning to feed the meter, and I didn’t hear him come back in. Then I saw a guy in a knit cap wandering around in my closet and almost thwacked him.)

Shannon’s last blog post..A Gender-riffic Pity Party

You should have thwacked him first and asked questions later. It would have at least given him a good story.

freckledk on 1 May, 2008 at 1:54 pm #

I could hear the porno music in my head as I read this.

freckledk’s last blog post..Dancing at the Funeral Party

“Well, hi, I seem to have stumbled into the wrong apartment. Why don’t I just take off my clothes and make myself comfortable.”

Yup, it could happen.

milanomiss on 1 May, 2008 at 1:56 pm #

Well, maybe you just don’t look like the robbing kind of guy, but if you still had a mustache…different story.

milanomiss’s last blog post..so a bird craped on me

I wonder if a mustache would have made it scarier for her or more comical?

CPO on 1 May, 2008 at 2:49 pm #

Just be glad you didn’t walk into the “gimp” scene from Pulp Fiction.

CPO’s last blog post..Stephen Colbert Rips-Off The Blog at 16th and Q with Salinger Schtick

That scene traumatized me to the point that I can’t even read the word “gimp” without clenching my sphincter.

WiB on 1 May, 2008 at 3:14 pm #

Imagine the difference in outcome if, instead of saying, “is Phil here?” you had said, “hi, I’m here for poker.”

Then you would probably either have FK’s porno music, or multiple skull fractures. Either way: more exciting story for the rest of us.

WiB’s last blog post..I guess it had to happen eventually

But then I wouldn’t have been around to tell the amusing story. All you would have known was Arjewtino was killed for B&E.

Judy on 1 May, 2008 at 3:18 pm #

French men work?

Judy’s last blog post..Register for Pangea Day Films - Cleveland

I think Sassy could tell us.

rs27 on 1 May, 2008 at 5:30 pm #

Damn, Maiden Metallurgist took my line.

Poker is fun when you get drunk and start throwing chips around the room.

rs27’s last blog post..Can I Break The Spell of The Typical?

Scotus on 1 May, 2008 at 6:34 pm #

Since she was so cool with the whole thing, you probably could have taken it a step further and actually robbed her. If she wasn’t freaked out by some strange guy in her living room, maybe she wouldn’t have minded you taking her TV.

Scotus’s last blog post..Why the hell are Kids In the Hall tickets still available?

MJ on 2 May, 2008 at 8:02 am #

in college we often forgot to lock our door and often had people just wander in. often they got tackled by a roommate, i don’t think you would have stood a chance if you wandered into ours.

roissy on 2 May, 2008 at 10:33 am #

if she was ugly she was probably dreaming for a guy to come strolling into her apartment. sometimes you gotta oblige.

roissy’s last blog post..Quality Vs Quantity Pussy

Bruce on 5 May, 2008 at 10:49 am #

Sort of off topic here, but if you liked Bringing Down the House don’t bother seeing 21. It is nothing like the book.

Bruce’s last blog post..Adios Ian….Woah There Joba

CJ on 7 May, 2008 at 7:49 am #

She would have had no excuse for screaming or calling the cops on you. Honestly, who leaves their apartment door unlocked in this town??? People are nuckin futs.