Passover, the Holocaust, and Neo-Nazis: My Very Jewy Weekend

Apr

Filed Under (DC, judaism) by on 24-04-2008

Observing Passover is like having a systematic spring cleaning. Only with more persecution.

Part of this “cleaning” involves a major overhaul of dietary rules. Now four days (out of eight) into my ban on eating anything leavened or, you know, tasty, I’m starting to wonder if any of those fleeing Jews in Exodus couldn’t have waited just a few more minutes for the bread to rise.

I spent Passover weekend entertaining my 12-year-old cousin (again) and decided to make it the Jewiest weekend ever. So I did what any cool, older cousin would do in this situation. I got him drunk.

Actually, my friend Foxymoron got him drunk. Off kosher wine. At seder on Saturday night, Foxymoron pulled off an amazing meal, cooking the traditional foods, reciting the Passover prayers from the Haggadah, and blessing the candles and wine. And, of course, getting us all drunk.

To be fair, my cousin only had three glasses of wine, and they were more like half glasses. But that boy would not stop jabbering and laughing toward the end of the evening and talking about how much game he had with the girls at his leadership conference last week. Fucking drunk.

Earlier that day my cousin, The Princess, and I had gone down to the Mall to visit the National Air and Space Museum. Since my cousin wants to be a commercial pilot someday, he was pretty stoked.

That museum, though, is incredibly out-of-date. Between the broken displays, the low-tech features, and the barrage of immensely ugly children wandering around, it was a miracle we got out of there.

Rockets

What we look light in infrared light.

“Get off my plane!”

Of course, on the way to the museum, we had noticed a litany of police setting up along Constitution Avenue. The Princess walked up to one of the security guards nearby and asked what was going on. When he stopped staring at her cleavage, he informed her that they were preparing for a neo-Nazi rally.

“On Passover?” I yelled.

I then described to my cousin how our country’s first amendment allows bigots to scream hatred as long as they have an approved permit issued by the Park Police.

On Sunday, I tried to wash away the stench of neo-Nazis invading our city and took my cousin to see records of real Nazis at the Holocaust Museum. The Nazi-themed weekend took on an ominous tone when we noticed the Department of Agriculture’s exterior design:

Also, it being Hitler’s birthday and all (April 20) made me wonder if it all amounted to irony.

Apparently, I wasn’t the only one:

Now, the Jewiest weekend since Yom Kippur involving the Ten Plagues, Hitler, and Nazis has given way to a week without eating any sandwiches, tacos, burritos, cheeseburgers, or sushi. And not drinking beer.

This has been harder than I thought and, I would argue, tougher to do than fasting for 24 hours.

For those who remember, I once wrote the following words on this blog:

…when I go out, I turn into Teen Wolf hooked on bread.
Bread? They have bread? Give me some bread! You have any more bread? Give me five motherfucking baskets of bread!

I better get a good seat in synagogue. You know, the next time I go.

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Comments

I-66 on 24 April, 2008 at 9:27 am #

What? Hitler was born on 4/20? What the hell, man? That’s a total buzzkill, if you know what I mean.

I-66’s last blog post..Cookin? with gas

Lemmonex on 24 April, 2008 at 9:52 am #

The Air and Space Museum is like a trip back to the 70s. I went to the planetarium a few years back and I swear the theme song to “Shaft” was playing in the background. Then again, I cannot be sure as there were so many kids screaming.

Lemmonex’s last blog post..Class Act

rs27 on 24 April, 2008 at 10:16 am #

I hate barrages of ugly children.

rs27’s last blog post..We’re Going Down Down in an Earlier Round

H on 24 April, 2008 at 10:17 am #

you should have gone to the American Jewish Military History Museum in Dupont! then you could learn about Jews beating Hitler.

CPO on 24 April, 2008 at 12:01 pm #

I hate Illinois Nazis. And matzoh.

CPO’s last blog post..Bacon Nation?Getting Uncomfortably Close

irina on 24 April, 2008 at 2:39 pm #

Can we discuss the matzah diet?
And its negative side effects?

MJ on 24 April, 2008 at 3:43 pm #

umm, being a former faa-er you should know the updated air and space museum is out in herndon by dulles.

The Maiden Metallurgist on 24 April, 2008 at 4:08 pm #

I hope you bought that hat.

The Maiden Metallurgist’s last blog post..Rice Prices

Sean on 24 April, 2008 at 6:51 pm #

Welcome back Arjewtino! I say every year that I’d rather do another fast day like Yom Kippur than the 8 days of Passover.

Sean’s last blog post..Missing Matzo

Sisco on 24 April, 2008 at 8:32 pm #

I must say I’m happy to see you back.

And I definitely had someone last night who was going through Passover. I understood as he was unusually demanding about what we could and could not eat. Then he ordered the filet mignon and I asked if he could have the bleu cheese, which I was certain was verboden. He said he shouldn’t have it, but he’ll always eat it, so why not?

Look, douche, I’m understanding if not downright celebratory of your religion. But don’t make me bend over backwards for other dietary rules when you’re going to chuck certain one our the window.

Also, you’re the shit. Can’t wait for Thursday.

Sisco’s last blog post..Seafoam Ennui Jicama

front bummetry on 24 April, 2008 at 9:14 pm #

Just so you know, you look very gay in very gay looking hats.

Beach Bum on 25 April, 2008 at 8:38 am #

I heard the Air & Space museum at Dulles is pretty nice. Since it is fairly new (3 yrs old maybe?), it shouldn’t be as outdated. I haven’t been there yet though, so don’t take my word for it, but so far I’ve only heard good things!

Beach Bum’s last blog post..Shout out to my homie!

lacochran on 25 April, 2008 at 1:02 pm #

I had a coworker who used to say “I can stand on my head in hell if it’s only for 24 hours.” Wasn’t long (but more than 23 hours) before she left.

Much to the horror and disdain of my cousin’s mother-in-law, even though we attend one seder a year–and that only because we’re invited and don’t wish to be rude, we do not keep Passover.

Matzah? Okay, it’s a water cracker. But those Pasadic rolls? This is a big thing in my family. You ever try them? Foy!!!

lacochran’s last blog post..What fun! (Artinis)

lacochran on 25 April, 2008 at 1:09 pm #

Oh and another thing (hey, you started it)… I was raised supposedly orthodox. I knew the Passover story, it was repeated twice yearly to me; the Passover story was a friend of mine.

But I never understood some things. God gets us out of the whole Egyptian enslavement thingy but where was he when we got into in the first place? Enquiring minds and all that.

Thanks for your Jewy, Jewy response in your Jewy, Jewy day.
lacochran’s last blog post..What fun! (Artinis)

Not So Little Woman on 25 April, 2008 at 1:56 pm #

Since I don’t remember DC that well I have to ask. Is the Dept. of Agriculture near the museum? It’s still horrendous to have that design, but if it’s near it’s worse…

Not So Little Woman’s last blog post..Basil, the Celebrity