I have an awful affliction that might have reached its tipping point — I have an insane need to always be right.
This is ironic considering that most of the time I’m wrong.
This need to be right often defies logic, especially when I find myself arguing a point even in the face of irrefutable proof that i am, indeed, wrong.
A few weeks ago, I went to my friend Foxymoron’s party to celebrate his birthday. He invited his friend Jenna, a flight attendant who he met while traveling and who was visiting DC.
Jenna fit every stereotype I have ever had about flight attendants. That is, she had the most enormous rack I’ve ever seen.
Her party zeppelins were so impressive that even our gay friends Nickels and Sizzli pointed them out to me (like they needed to).
They were so impressive that even straight girl Lemmonex asked her if she could touch them (which she obliged).
They were SO impressive, in fact, that Foxymoron, who is also gay, at one point took out his food scale and suggested Jenna take out one of her breasts so we could weigh it.
This is when I might have lost my man card.
In an effort to correct Foxymoron’s flawed logic, I actually said, “There’s no way you can get an accurate measure doing that.”
Foxymoron gave me a look that suggested I might want to reconsider what I was about to say next. I obviously didn’t understand.
“Because you’d be pushing up with the scale, we won’t really know what it weighs,” I mouth-farted. “Even if you put the scale on the floor, her own weight would affect the result. It just wouldn’t be accurate.”
Even writing this out, I fee like punching myself in the balls.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see Jenna take out her boob to weigh it. It’s just that my need to explain why this was a flawed experiment trumpeted everything else.
Where does this need to be right come from? Because it has seriously become a handicap. I have practically become a one-man Snopes.com, only less informed and with much more smugness. Just look at my track record:
“Sarah Palin tried to ban books!”
No, actually, she didn’t.
“The Metro runs less trains on the weekend.”
Fewer, the Metro runs fewer trains on the weekend.
“That video of the DUI stop was so funny.”
Yes, it was, but it’s not real, it’s a clip from “Reno 911!”.
Do other people suffer from the same affliction? Is there a pill I can take? Surgery I can undergo? Hypnotism? Anything?
Some time after the boob incident, Foxymoron told me in private that he was disappointed in me.
“I thought I knew you,” he said from behind downcast eyes.
When a homosexual scolds you for stopping a girl from taking out her funbags, you should be disappointed.
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
I think you should just use your “power” in a more effective way…ie. everyone should guess the weight by lifting her boob and then lifting a weight. The human factor isn’t so accurate, but many humans lifting the boob could even that out. Also, I was unaware that flight attendants have big boob until this post. Now I guess I can never be a flight attendant.
milano miss’s last blog post..I’m actually busy
I don’t think her rack was a requirement to becoming a flight attendant. But I’m sure it didn’t hurt.
I could NOT STOP STARING at her breasts. They were the 8th wonder of the world.
I am not even going to lie; I sometimes get jealous when I feel like my rack is being shown up. But these? I just had to give them my full respect.
They felt fantastic…and real.
Lemmonex’s last blog post..One Cup
You were pretty much falling over yourself trying to get to them. The perks of being a woman.
Yep, indeed, they were spectacular!!! I couldn’t stop staring, she was smokin’ hot with those large melons, I just wanted to slurp on them
Did that sound straight convincing enough?
God, you would make for an awful straight man. Just stick to what you do best: gay wingman.
My goals in life now include
1. Innocuously suggesting the weighing of boobs in a variety of social settings
2. Verify breasts weigh the same at 30,000 ft in the sky as they do on the ground.
[F]oxymoron’s last blog post..She Speaks “Sex and the City”
You are an ambitious man, my friend. I salute you.
P.S. This [F]oxymoron is not to be confused with my Foxymoron.
You so could have saved yourself by saying, “We would be more accurate if we tested the buoyancy. EVERYBODY TO THE HOT TUB!!”
I blame Foxymoron for not having a hot tub.
I’m supremely disappointed man. I don’t feel right reading your blog.
Boobs first, being right second. That’s a law I think.
Chris’s last blog post..better than before
If it were, I’d be tried, convicted, and sentenced.
To what? Probably having to be corrected by flat-chested know-it-alls the rest of my life.
Let this be a lesson to you, young man.
I’m proud of you for being so honest with us, though. Even if this does make you lose most of your readership.
kris’s last blog post..Ducking
Luckily for me my readership is a forgiving bunch…I hope.
I don’t think there is anything I can say that hasn’t been said. Except I’m extremely jealous of Lem.
I think, to redeem yourself, you must organize some type of “boob weighing” party. There we can test your flawed theory, rather than your flawed logic.
Kevin’s last blog post..Toasted
Not a bad idea. I nominate you to take the lead on this one; I, obviously, am inept.
If they had that experiment in high school, I’d still be wearing a lab coat today.
t2ed’s last blog post..Simply The Breast
That’s a really great way of putting it.
Are you kidding me? I’ve never seen an ample bosomed flight attendant who um… how do I say this… could thank DNA for her boobs and not her diet.
You should have seen this one.
You are officially off all of my future e-vite distribution lists.
Mermanda’s last blog post..UFO sighting OR: Proof that I have a loose screw
I was afraid this would happen.
You definitely deserve to lose your man card– actually you deserve to lose your awesome human card because who doesn’t want to see a boob.
Maxie’s last blog post..Yesterday was awesome and the Vice Presidential Debate Drinking Game.
That’s a good point. This had nothing to do with being a straight man. That much was obvious.
I would have touched them, and I’m not a lesbian. But then again, I work for a Plastic Surgeon and I get to look at boobs and touch them all.day.long.
k8’s last blog post..It’s Been Decided
So you would have known if they were real? Lemmonex had the lay person’s opinion but yours would have been professional, right?
I *am* disappointed in you! I come here to be mildly scandalized and I get this tease of a story about two (presumably) beautiful woman, one groping the others fabulous breats, and you leave it up to my imagination?? Just days after post with BOOB CAM in the title. For shame!
At least I learned some new happy euphemisms the girls. Well done there.
Sarah’s last blog post..Deep Thoughts by Jack Jameson
Even when I crash and burn, I try to provide something for you guys.
God Dammit, this post angers me. I would have punched you in the face before you could finish the first sentence of why the weigh-in would be inaccurate.
If someone made the claim that showing her tits would solve world hunger, by God you agree!!
Phil’s last blog post..Mary Worth
I am not surprised at the criticism I’ve rightly received but man alive is the vitriol that has spewed forth been somewhat of a shock.
“Probably having to be corrected by flat-chested know-it-alls the rest of my life.”
I guess I could sign up for that job! I love correcting people.
Shannon’s last blog post..Taxi-Slob Confessions
I’m currently accepting applications.
And me watching Gossip girl is gay.
Do you want to be gay with me?
takebacks.
rs27’s last blog post..With the Window Cracked, Holler Back, Money Aint a Thang
But even the gays wanted to touch them. This doesn’t make me gay, it makes me an imbecile.
I suffer from this disease, too. It’s called Can’tshuthtefuckup-itis.
Or in some circles it’s known as
Doyourselfagoddamnedfavorandstoptalking-arrhea.
Or I’manidiot-obia.
Caitlin Hannah’s last blog post..Knock, knock…Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Your uncanny ability to create new terminology is stunning.
Thank God it’s not just me. I was on a flight recently and the pre-recorded safety announcement kept telling us that we’d be “taking off momentarily”. I HATE that. I was actually tempted to send e-mail to the carrier explaining to them that “momentarily” means “FOR a moment”, not “IN a moment”. You can be momentarily stunned, but to say we’ll be taking off momentarily is a nonsense statement.
I figured they’d just laugh at me, though. And the flight attendants weren’t all that impressive.
Gilahi’s last blog post..Gotta Love the Trunk Monkey
Great job connecting the themes! If Jenna had told you that, though, you might not have cared.
Unless you’re me, it seems.
“Party Zeppelins” is by far the best reference to breasts I have ever heard.
Well done. Well done.
Mel’s last blog post..Goodbye, Walter Novak!
It’s a pretty understated classic, I think.
Have to agree that Party Zeppelins is a decent line.
Jack’s last blog post..A Letter To My Children