If only there were some way to scientifically prove what it feels like to get hit in the balls

I have been hit in the balls many times in my life. Every man has.

The worst experience was the time I was 12 and a team of water balloon enthusiasts launched a balloon and nailed me dead center in the seeds. My friends later told me I dropped like a sack of cement. The only thing I remember is checking myself in the bathroom later that day and seeing cuts and bruises all over my groin.

But there was always something I always wondered from the worst moment of my life: what was the science of getting hit in the nutsack?

Thankfully, now we know. A group of “scientists” recently conducted an experiment in which they launched a 2-ounce tennis ball at a man’s gonads at 50 miles per hour (the equivalent of 58 pounds of force) just to see what would happen. Their findings?

It hurts. A lot.

To prove this incredible theory, they set up a slow-motion camera, a small cannon, and a jackass named Jason, and videotaped what it feels like to get mashed in the groin. Jason stood in front of the cannon and voluntarily took a tennis ball below the belt to document what will most certainly go down as one of the greatest scientific experiments of all time.

You can see the video HERE or scroll down to the end of this post. If you’re too lazy to watch it or you don’t want to watch a man’s seedsack get pureed into a vagina, I don’t blame you. So let me take you through this experiment one screen shot at a time.

This is Jason. He’s an idiot. He is standing a few feet away from a tennis ball cannon (not against his will) to take part in an experiment he hopes will someday be remembered as readily as Einstein’s theory of relativity. He appears, for some reason, calm.

This is Jason’s balls. Sorry, this was Jason’s balls, mid-testiclotomy. (Yes, that’s a word I just made it up but it has as much validity as these scientists.) You can see that the tennis ball is beginning to enter what I like to call the “Holy Shit” zone of pain. Jason’s hands are not covering the affected area, which can only mean he is blind.

This is Jason’s face less than a second after getting struck in what used to be his balls. I’m no professional body language reader, but it looks to me like he is in pain. I don’t know, though, hard to determine without further experimentation.

This is Jason on the ground moments after the experiment’s impact. He is pounding the floor with his fist, most likely because he probably forgot to pick up his dry cleaning or something. Or he might have lost a contact lens. Or his dignity. Hard to say.

This is the sadistic prick who concocted the experiment, checking in on Jason. See his smile? He obviously enjoyed watching someone else’s balls get pounded and wants Jason to know that his own balls are just fine. This is the actual conversation between them. I am not making this part up.

Sadistic Prick: “You’ll be glad to know we got amazing footage and amazing science out of this. So you won’t have to do this again.”

Jason: “Really? That’s nice.”

We got amazing science? What the fuck? You notice that Jason’s heart rate went from 72 BPM to 182 and you call that science? Hey, I just checked my pulse. Look at me, I’m a scientist!

This is Jason several minutes after hitting the ground, now standing up and holding an ice pack to his balls. Notice the position of his hands? That’s probably where they should have been during the experiment. I guess Sadistic Prick failed to tell him.

Ultimately, this obviously worthwhile scientific experiment will probably be mentioned in the same breath as the discovery of penicillin and Newton’s Law of Gravity. For now, if this experiment proves anything, is that if you get hit in the testes there’s only one thing to do: check your pulse.

Tagged as: balls, sadistic, testicles, the science of ball to groin