“I won a MAJOR AWARD!”

At precisely 5:12 and 28 seconds yesterday afternoon, exactly 388 days since my very first post on Arjewtino.com, a woman casually clicked on my blog and became the winner of the greatest contest that has ever been held anywhere.

Amy, a Northern Virginia mommy who blogs at Crazy Mokes, has been in porn, likes to keep things besides her breasts in her bra, and has two awesome kids. She is also the 100,000th visitor to my blog, an honor that bestows upon it a coveted autographed photograph of my butt AND a baseball card from my week at Dodgers fantasy camp.

Upon hearing about her victory, Amy had the following response:

“I won a MAJOR AWARD!”

Yes, you did, Amy. Yes you did.

Amy will receive the major award, er, photo of my butt, personalized and autographed, and has promised to in turn take a photo of her family doing something with it and send it to me. I suggested she take a photo of her kids eating cereal or napping with it, but the decision is really up to her. I’m assuming her husband is a really cool dude who won’t find out who I am and beat me up for traumatizing her family.

Seeing the joy Amy felt in winning the 100,000th visitor honor, I decided to give consolation prizes to visitors 99,999 and 100,001.

Visitor 99,999 is someone many of you may know, at least through her blog. Formerly known as Brunch Bird, Bridal Bird is a frequent commenter, reader, and was even a one-time guest blogger here. She clicked on my blog 33 seconds too early, making her the winner of a baseball card but no butt photo.

Bridal Bird’s pain, in an e-mail to me yesterday, was anguishing. She sent me this photo of herself clearly distraught. And she wrote me these words, which are just heartbreaking:

“I say with no amount of understatement that I’ve never been so glad in my life to lose a contest.”

Sniff. So sad.

Visitor 100,001 is someone I don’t know. Here is what I do know about him/her:

* He or she is from Valparaiso, Indiana
* Uses the Firefox Web browser
* Clicked on my blog at 5:13pm, and
* Subscribes to my blog using Google Reader.

He or she is probably unaware that he or she won this prestigious award. Sir, or madam, if you are reading this and would like to claim your consolation prize, contact me by clicking HERE.

For those of you who didn’t win and are hurting, let me just assuage you and tell you that the pain will pass. You tried your best and I am honored to have seen so many of you try so hard to win this.

Besides, there’s always the 200,000th visitor contest.

UPDATE: The 100,001st visitor and winner of the second consolation prize was none other than my blog crush The Maiden Metallurgist, who is by far my favorite metallurgist. She was traveling through a small town outside of Valpo yesterday and, according to Google Analytics, was my only visitor from Indiana yesterday. Fucking Hoosiers.

TMM will also receive a signed baseball card of me, once they actually, you know, arrive. Congrats, TMM, and stop kicking yourself for being 43 seconds too late for the grand prize.