Wednesday, March 26th, 2008...8:58 am
“I won a MAJOR AWARD!”
At precisely 5:12 and 28 seconds yesterday afternoon, exactly 388 days since my very first post on Arjewtino.com, a woman casually clicked on my blog and became the winner of the greatest contest that has ever been held anywhere.
Amy, a Northern Virginia mommy who blogs at Crazy Mokes, has been in porn, likes to keep things besides her breasts in her bra, and has two awesome kids. She is also the 100,000th visitor to my blog, an honor that bestows upon it a coveted autographed photograph of my butt AND a baseball card from my week at Dodgers fantasy camp.
Upon hearing about her victory, Amy had the following response:
“I won a MAJOR AWARD!”
Yes, you did, Amy. Yes you did.
Amy will receive the major award, er, photo of my butt, personalized and autographed, and has promised to in turn take a photo of her family doing something with it and send it to me. I suggested she take a photo of her kids eating cereal or napping with it, but the decision is really up to her. I’m assuming her husband is a really cool dude who won’t find out who I am and beat me up for traumatizing her family.
Seeing the joy Amy felt in winning the 100,000th visitor honor, I decided to give consolation prizes to visitors 99,999 and 100,001.
Visitor 99,999 is someone many of you may know, at least through her blog. Formerly known as Brunch Bird, Bridal Bird is a frequent commenter, reader, and was even a one-time guest blogger here. She clicked on my blog 33 seconds too early, making her the winner of a baseball card but no butt photo.
Bridal Bird’s pain, in an e-mail to me yesterday, was anguishing. She sent me this photo of herself clearly distraught. And she wrote me these words, which are just heartbreaking:
“I say with no amount of understatement that I’ve never been so glad in my life to lose a contest.”
Sniff. So sad.
Visitor 100,001 is someone I don’t know. Here is what I do know about him/her:
* He or she is from Valparaiso, Indiana
* Uses the Firefox Web browser
* Clicked on my blog at 5:13pm, and
* Subscribes to my blog using Google Reader.
He or she is probably unaware that he or she won this prestigious award. Sir, or madam, if you are reading this and would like to claim your consolation prize, contact me by clicking HERE.
For those of you who didn’t win and are hurting, let me just assuage you and tell you that the pain will pass. You tried your best and I am honored to have seen so many of you try so hard to win this.
Besides, there’s always the 200,000th visitor contest.
UPDATE: The 100,001st visitor and winner of the second consolation prize was none other than my blog crush The Maiden Metallurgist, who is by far my favorite metallurgist. She was traveling through a small town outside of Valpo yesterday and, according to Google Analytics, was my only visitor from Indiana yesterday. Fucking Hoosiers.
TMM will also receive a signed baseball card of me, once they actually, you know, arrive. Congrats, TMM, and stop kicking yourself for being 43 seconds too late for the grand prize.
22 Comments
March 26th, 2008 at 9:07 am
Valpo? who lives in Valpo? i remember Valpo as being the place where rush hour traffic to Chicago began on one of my trips. clearly this person needs a picture of you to cheer him/her up.
Valpo, to me, means a mediocre college basketball program.
March 26th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die…
That is what i think about not winning! lol…
You have better photos of me anyway.
March 26th, 2008 at 9:18 am
You really should have given away pictures of MY ass.
What makes you think I won’t?
March 26th, 2008 at 9:24 am
i can stop reading your blog just on my bloglines reader now…phew!
carrie m’s last blog post..Sexy, Lusty Things: 2008 Edition
That still counts in the stats, my dear.
March 26th, 2008 at 9:26 am
FIX!
Prove it.
March 26th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Oh thank god! I got worried there for a sec.
Btw, is she okay with her IP address etc. being on public display?
jo’s last blog post..Slowly Going Insane
Good point, Jo, taken care of.
March 26th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Now the search begins for a xerox machine the size of a moving van.
Anyone want to come on a field trip with me to an industrial park?
March 26th, 2008 at 9:45 am
More tears have been shed over my loss than I care to admit…
Lemmonex’s last blog post..Beautiful Mess
Now THAT is the kind of reaction I was hoping for. Why can’t everyone be like you?
March 26th, 2008 at 11:18 am
…because not everyone is as good at lying as she is?
I-66’s last blog post..Things I am not ashamed of?
March 26th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
I still think the winner should have gotten some matzo.
rs27’s last blog post..Don’t Forget This Fact, You Can’t Get it Back
That’s not exactly a rare find. But a signed photo of my butt? Only on eBay.
March 26th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
i had a shrine dedicated to viewage of your personalized and autographed hindquarters, and now all that is there is an empty space where the photo would have been. where will the pilgrims turn now?
ps: i’m oddly drawn to bridal bird’s pic. i think it’s the headband.
roissy’s last blog post..Hardest Challenges
It’s also because she’s shielding her eyes from you, which is, to a man, hot.
March 26th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
I wonder how americans pronounce “valparaiso”
Roosh’s last blog post..Getting Men To Commit
Wrong, I bet.
March 26th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Wow, I like to take a minute to thank the people responsible for this honor, the large multinational steel conglomerate who flew me out for an interview, the town car driver who was 45 minutes late picking me up to take me to the airport, country inn and suites for having free wi-fi…
The Maiden Metallurgist’s last blog post..Gloating About My Youthful Visage
…shit, I think the chambermusic is starting.
March 26th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Nothing odd about it, Roissy. It’s a good accessory.
Arjewtino, something tells me The Princess does a lot of eye-shielding. The poor dear.
Bridal Bird’s last blog post..Wednesdays Were Made for WTF?ing
March 26th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Noooo, you are lucky enough to have had more than one resident of the Hoosier State grace your Blog, sir…
Elizabeth’s last blog post..Hold That Thought
Google Analytics has lied to me for the last time.
Not really, I have no way of determining its truthiness.
March 26th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
I thought Crazy Mokes would prefer an autographed photo of your butt, having worked in porn and all…
E :)’s last blog post..Air Hockey: It’s a blood sport…
March 26th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
I need you to specify something… will it be a picture of your BARE butt – or a picture of you from behind, but with clothes on?
And most importantly, have you already taken the picture – or will you have to do so in order to fulfill the prize?
I’m just happy I didn’t win… that would have been WRONG! But I still expect a baseball card in my mailbox pretty soon…
It will not be a photo of my bare ass, though I think the old bait-and-switch would be pretty funny.
March 26th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Your butt was cute when you were a baby and even a toddler…now, I don’t thing I will enjoy looking at a picture of your butt…but, please, feel free to send me a picture of your face!!!
Oh jesus, Mami, save it for the e-mails!
March 27th, 2008 at 1:49 am
OK, I’m relieved I can come back here now that someone has won your butt, er, contest.
Sassy’s last blog post..Very small dog = very small quantities of sleep
March 27th, 2008 at 8:35 am
it’s a cause celeb
March 27th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
dammit.. does this mean you know allll the times i come here and moon over you and your wisdoms??? shite i need a proxy….
xoxo
suicide_blond’s last blog post..Cat Fight At Cartier?
Don’t worry about it, 250 times a day isn’t too bad.
March 30th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
About 5% of my hits used to come from people googling for teen porn. Frightening. Better to have been in it than searching for it…
Jessica’s last blog post..Welcome to Nevada
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