Tuesday, February 26th, 2008...11:07 am
How a chocolate chip cookie from Cosi can change your life
I walked into work Monday morning like a zombie, bleary-eyed and read to devour anyone who deigned to speak to me.
My co-worker, before I had even out my bag down and settled into my chair, turned to me and started the following conversation:
Co-worker: “Did you [technical jargon] the [technical jargon] into the [technical jargon] yet?”
Arjewtino: “Huh? What?”
Co-worker: “Oh, I forgot, you haven’t had your Cosi coffee yet.”
Ah, Cosi, the oasis in my working life, serving me the elixir of life every morning. I prefer this coffee shop — formerly known as Xando (X and O?) — much more to that other, more popular, alternative. It wakes me up everyday, serves as the break room to get me through the work week, and was the scene of one of the strangest experiences I have ever had in my life.
About four years ago, when I lived in Adams Morgan, I was walking down to Dupont to met some friends to go see a movie. I was early, so I decided to walk into the Cosi on Connecticut Ave., north of the Circle.
It was a beautiful, warm day, so I bought my cup o’ joe, the Washington Post, and a chocolate chip cookie, and looked for a table in the outdoor patio.
Since everyone else had had the same idea, pickings were slim. I found one guy, wearing a gray suit and reading the paper, sitting at a table by himself. I walked up to him and asked if I could sit there, too, trying to indicate as politely as I could that there were no other open tables available.
He nodded and I sat down.
I put down my cookie, my newspaper, and my coffee and settled into my chair. I took in the sun and wondered if Garden State would be half as good as it was supposed to be or if Zach Braff would overshadow the gorgeous Natalie Portman.
I picked up the Post and started reading.
After a few minutes, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, the man in the suit reaching toward the table. I involuntarily looked over and clearly saw him pick up my chocolate chip cookie, break off a piece, and put it in his mouth.
I. Was. Stunned.
Had I just seen what I thought I saw? Did this dude just eat my cookie? What was the proper protocol in this situation? I mean, really, no one tells you what to do when someone eats your food without warning.
I waited a couple of minutes, unsure what to do or if I should even say anything. I decided after much internal deliberation to mark my territory and establish myself as the sole and rightful owner of this cookie. I reached over, broke off a piece of the cookie like he had, and popped it in my mouth.
The guy looked at me like I was crazy.
I could feel his eyes boring in on me as I pretended to read the Sports section. What the fuck are you looking at, I thought, you ate my cookie. What did you think would happen? That by the transitive properties of table sharing it would become yours? I don’t think so.
I analyzed the baseball standings and wondered if I would ever again see the Dodgers in the World Series. My thoughts, though, kept going back to this guy in the suit. He had eaten part of my cookie. But I felt like I had responded pretty well, planting my flag and showing him what’s what. This guy, I felt, would now leave me alone.
A few more minutes passed. He reached over, broke off another piece of the cookie, and ate it.
What. The. Fuck.
What game was this fucking guy up to? Who did he think he was? This guy was slowly eating away my delicious chocolate chip cookie and I suddenly felt powerless to stop him. Was I on some special Washington, DC edition of Punk’d? Would Ashton Kutcher come running down R Street at any moment with a camera crew laughing maniacally?
There was only one thing to do. I took another bite of the cookie.
At this point, the tension was mounting. The guy in the suit was visibly uncomfortable. He shuffled his newspaper and adjusted his tie. I could sense that he was growing more upset with every passing second. But what did he have to be tense about? He was stealing my cookie. The one I had paid for. The one I had been looking forward to eating since walking into that Cosi and eyeing the delicious prize. Did he think that allowing me to sit down at his table granted him immunity from acting like a jackass?
Still, my self-righteousness could not make me say anything. I was rendered mute by the insanity of his actions. I was paralyzed by the surrealness of the moment. Little did I know that it was not the end of it.
This time, the guy didn’t even wait. He reached right over and took another piece. I reacted, breaking off my own piece. Then he did again. Then me. This kept going on until the cookie was gone. Without saying a word, I had just shared food with a complete stranger, someone I had never seen and expected to not even live on in my memory.
After several strange minutes, as the reality of the experience settled in for both of us, the guy in the suit got up, picked up his things, and walked away silently. I watched him leave and wondered how what had just happened could have just happened. What kind of city did I live in, I thought, where guys in suits eat your food without saying a word and then walk away? What kind of a world was this?
I waited for him to leave. I finished reading, checked my watch, and started to pack up. The movie would start soon and I had to walk down to meet my friends.
I grabbed the now empty cup of coffee, threw away the trash, and then picked up the rest of my newspaper.
That’s when I saw it. There, hidden, beneath the Washington Post, sitting out of sight on the table, was MY COOKIE. The one I had bought. The one I had, apparently, placed under the newspaper without thinking about it.
The realization of what I had done dawned on me faster than anything had ever had before:
I had eaten someone else’s cookie.
Epilogue: I never ate that second cookie. I think I gave it to a homeless guy or threw it away in shame, I don’t remember. I walked away in a daze, incredulous at what had happened. I met my friends, watched the movie, and told them the story. To this day, I still think about that guy, how he must have the most incredible story to tell people at parties. It probably goes something like this:
“So I was at Cosi this one time, minding my own business, when some dude sat down at the table with me and ate my cookie. I couldn’t believe it. He actually ate my cookie that was on my table. What kind of city did we live in where guys eat your food without saying a word? What kind of a world is this?”
Sorry, guy in a suit, I owe you one.
NOTE: I am aware that a version of this story has been written about in Douglas Adams’ book A Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which I have read. This actually happened, though, and I didn’t read Adams’ book — and the entire trilogy — until after this happened.
39 Comments
February 26th, 2008 at 11:18 am
That’s a great story. I loved it when Douglas Adams wrote his version, too.
Joe, I am aware of that story, which makes it even stranger that it actually appeared in fiction. I read that book after this happened.
February 26th, 2008 at 11:22 am
I am so happy I just read that.
The Maiden Metallurgist’s last blog post..Freegans
Thanks, but I don’t find it nearly as funny as yours.
February 26th, 2008 at 11:33 am
You copied this story from Snopes, dude.
Like I said, I am aware that a version of this story has been written about in Douglas Adams’ book A Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which I have read. This actually happened, though, and I didn’t read Adams’ book — and the entire trilogy — until after this happened.
February 26th, 2008 at 11:47 am
I don’t believe you. The similarities are too, well, similar. Good story, though. Just tell us when you’re going to sample others’ work.
I just went back and read the story on Snopes and, you’re right, they are very similar. I can understand you not believing my story, but I’m not going to keep arguing something I can’t even prove happened four years ago.
February 26th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Even having heard this story before, it still made me giggle!
jo’s last blog post..Still Standing
February 26th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
That is, by far, the funniest story I’ve heard… and I can’t believe it happened to my own brother. I just about pissed my pants!!!
Gracias, hermanita. Estoy muy excitado que te voy a ver a vos y Hermano en tres dias!
February 26th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Yay! I’ve been waiting for you to post this.
I’m starting to regret doing so.
February 26th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
I needed that laugh.
And WTF is up with guys losing their wad over Natalie Portman? I just don’t get it…I think she is kinda milquetoast. Sure, she is pretty, but there is nothing very special about her. Give me Monica Belucci any day.
Lemmonex’s last blog post..Splattered and Sated
I am attracted to pretty brunette women who are much smarter than me, so that explains my fascination. I wouldn’t kick Belucci out of bed, though. I’d probably say, “Hey, Monica Belucci, what are you doing in my bed?”
February 26th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Natalie is hot, went to Harvard, Jewish and is Luke Skywalker’s mom….what else could you ask for???
I bet your mom would approve of her, too.
February 26th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Kind of brings back the story of you and a certain hot wing at Hooters!
Oh man, I know! I was actually thinking of telling that story, too. This blog is just going to become a repository for my old stories.
February 26th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
in the words of my favorite LOL cat ever…
“you eated my cookie????”
xoxo
suicide_blond’s last blog post..my current crush?
I hear this LOL Cat thing is getting pretty popular. Frankly, though, I don’t get it.
February 26th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
you are too funny. i can totally picture your facial expressions as you eat someone else’s cookie.
My face often betrays my emotions.
February 26th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Ha! Someone else who doesn’t get the LOL cats! Thank you.
jo’s last blog post..Still Standing
Thank god I’m not alone with this. Jesus, why are they so funny?
February 26th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Wait. I don’t get why someone wouldn’t say something. Like, “Excuse me, um, but you just ate my cookie. Stop it.” Problem solved. Like they say, “If you see something, say something.” That lil’ saying finally makes sense to me now…
Marissa’s last blog post..home on the range…
Until you’re in that situation, you think, of course, that you would say something. But then it happens and you realize the eeriness of the situation isn’t as easy to deal with as you thought.
February 26th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
You didn’t even get a clue when you felt the tension from the guy?
What I find so funny is that neither one of you said anything. See? A pissing contest only gets you half a cookie.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Tickle Me Tuesday the Fourth
Believe me, while it was going on, I wanted to say something but it was so outside the scope of what’s normal that I didn’t know what to say. Of course, looking back on it now, it’s easy to say I should have.
February 26th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
that’s the way the cookie crumbles, lol cat.
February 26th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
You’re just lucky you didn’t try to steal my cookie - you would have lost a few fingers
February 26th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
if anyone actually KNOWS arjewtino they will know that this kind of thing only happens to him. like jo, this story still makes me laugh.
carrie m’s last blog post..Sexy, Lusty Things: 2008 Edition
I believe those were yours and Jo’s words when I told you: “This would only happen to you.”
February 26th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
belive hon.
Huh?
February 26th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
It’s what people from baltimore say when they think that the orioles might win a world series before the year 3001.
February 26th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
totally busted. ever ride an alligator in the nyc sewers?
Sure, right after drinking Pop Rocks and Coke.
February 26th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
omg i love this story! i have eaten many a cookie at cosi/xando and if someone tried to oggie my cookie there be some hurtin going on.
February 26th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Actually, I wonder if gray suit guy had read the Douglas Adams bit, because that would have been even crazier, maybe you guys even read it at the same time…weird.
milano miss’s last blog post..NERD OUT!
Hmm. I hadn’t thought of that. That would be really interesting if he had.
But I think, by the look of him, that he only read things like U.S. News and World Report.
February 26th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Wow. Amazing. I wonder what would have happened if the guy suddenly flared up and wrecked havoc? That is the most interesting story I have heard, good to lighten up my very hectic day.
February 26th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
I’m just amazed that neither of you said anything the entire time.
By the way, this story could never happen at the COSI in Courthouse. You would have to wait in line 10 minutes to get the cookie, then wait as the cashier makes a mistake and gets you the wrong cookie.
Sean’s last blog post..2008 Pitt Football Schedule
February 26th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
great story (and I believe it happened to you, does that make you feel better?)
janet’s last blog post..up to
February 26th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Don’t worry, even though you don’t return my phone calls, I believe you….as carrie m stated, “you’d have to know arjew to know that this kinda shit only happens to him.” I honestly think you tried to steal my cookie once but I was wearing boxers that night….
February 26th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
I can swear a blood oath that you have a 82-4-1 lifetime record at ookie cookie.
February 26th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
I’ve long been aware that Cosi attracts weirdos. Of course, it must be particularly strange when you realize that you are the Cosi weirdo.
Dara’s last blog post..Trial, Day 17
February 26th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
I can feel your frustration when your competitor left and you didn’t have the chance to show him “your” cookie…
February 27th, 2008 at 12:39 am
(Imagining Quentin Tarantino version of your story in which you and Suit Guy simultaneously and wordlessly whip guns out from under the table and engage in a cookie standoff.)
Also, allow me to say that reading this post ranked right up there in “Oh my God, noooo,” uncomfortability with watching an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.
If only I had been wearing a suit (on a Saturday, for some strange reason) and been named Mr. Black. NOT Mr. Pink.
February 27th, 2008 at 6:33 am
I have to admit, I saw this one coming before I finished the post only because a similar thing happen to me, but the lady in my case made a point to say something before I reached for another bite. I like your version better. Very very funny!
See, that woman was normal. I, alas, am not.
February 27th, 2008 at 8:48 am
i’m with jo — it’s funny in person and stillll funny in print. next time i see you at cosi, i will steal something from you to right the universe
and yes, it may be the princess….
I don’t think she would object too much.
February 27th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I call total shenanigans on this story. I have had at least three people tell me this story…
February 27th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
To call shenanigans on something like this actually happening to Arjewtino is to betray lack of familiarity with Arjewtino.
(Note to self: If it turns out that Arjewtino is punking us with some grand social experiment on the power of urban myths, punch him square in the balls next time I see him.)
Bridal Bird’s last blog post..More Wedding Decisions Made, I-66 Boredom Imminent
That would have been a great experiment, now that I think of it.
Ok, here’s another story, stop me if you’ve heard it: I was babysitting one night when the phone rang. Turns out, it was coming from inside the house….
February 27th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
That is one of the best stories I have heard all year! Thanks for the laughs!
February 28th, 2008 at 10:16 am
I used to live in the outback…once I stopped for petrol and as I was pumping the attendent was waving madly at me pointing at the car. I didn’t know what was going on, and waved back…in the end it turned out there was mass murderer in the back seat and this guy saved my life.
February 28th, 2008 at 11:55 am
This was the funniest thing you ever told me, and it still brings tears to my eyes. I’ve tried to retell this story to others, but I can never get through it because of choking laughter…
February 29th, 2008 at 1:39 am
I just laughed so hard that I snorted.
E :)’s last blog post..This fire is out of control…
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