Fasting on Yom Kippur should never be this confusing.
For years, the rules of what you are NOT supposed to do on the Day of Atonement just made sense, like a list of bullets you follow to the letter:
- No eating or drinking
- No bathing
- No applying oils or lotions to the skin (including deodorant)
- No sex
- No wearing leather
But this year, for some reason, I started questioning whether the “no drinking” edict was one I even had to follow.
It started over the weekend at the home of a Conservative Jewish couple I know when the subject of fasting strategy came up during a BBQ.
I told them how I like to have one last big meal at sundown, do nothing all night, sleep in as late as possible the next day, and just hang the day after as my stomach eats itself and my crankiness reaches epic proportions.
But then I said what I felt was a fairly innocuous comment:
“It’s not the lack of eating that hurts; it’s the lack of drinking that can get you.”
My Conservative hosts looked at me strangely. With the wave of a hand and a scoff at what they perceived was too severe a sacrifice, they said, “Oh, we drink water.”
What. The. Fuck.
I’m Reformed and I don’t drink during Yom Kippur, I thought. You’re Conservative and you drink water? You mean to tell me I’ve been doing it wrong all these years? God damn…whoops, sorry… Elohim damn it!
Even many of my friends were incredulous at this rule.
“How can you not drink water?” my friend INPY asked me yesterday. “I don’t think that’s right.”
Of course it’s right, you non-fasting Catholic. I thought this was understood. I’ve been fasting for 15 years, I’m pretty sure I know how to get into the Book of Life before it closes.
For Jews, fasting is serious business. I wrote about my fasting strategy two years ago in a 5-step guide to surviving Yom Kippur. And DCist’s Josh Novikoff yesterday wrote a really great guide to “where to feast before the fast”.
So with Yom Kippur starting tonight at sundown, I had to know what the rule was. I even Googled “Can I drink water during Yom Kippur” and found several web sites that sort of addressed it in a passive manner. But there was no definitive answer.
Stupid sexy internet.
In the end, I decided to go to THE final source on Jewish law.
My rabbi.
To be fair, he’s not MY rabbi. He’s A rabbi. But he’s the rabbi of the synagogue I’ll be going to tomorrow for services, so he’s kind of MY rabbi.
I called Temple Shalom in Takoma Park, MD. After navigating a voicemail system so convoluted it nearly made me convert to Jews for Jesus, I reached an operator.
“Hi,” I said, “I had a question about the rules of fasting. Can I talk to someone?”
I expected the operator would try to answer the question herself or refer me to some web site. Instead, she said:
“I’ll transfer you to the rabbi. Please hold on.”
THE rabbi? The man in charge? The head honcho? The main Jew? Sweet.
The phone rang once and Rabbi Michael Feshbach picked up on the other end.
I felt like a Catholic meeting the Pope, impressed that I got this far up the chain of command.
I explained to Rabbi Feshbach that I was fasting but that I had a question about my Conservative friends putting the kibosh on not drinking water.
“They’re wrong,” Feshbach said succinctly, “you’re right.”
Yes! Finally, an authority telling me I’m right! You all know how much I need to be right.
Rabbi Feshbach and I discussed Yom Kippur’s prohibitions and he reinforced what I had already been led to believe over the years.
He mentioned no food or water, no sex or leather (because sometimes those things just go together). And he mentioned no bathing…but with a twist:
“I violate that one every year,” he confessed. “But I don’t enjoy it.”
If I could have LOL’d over the phone, I would have.
I mentioned the story of a friend who never brushed her teeth during Yom Kippur because some water might trickle down her throat.
“That’s crazy, right?” I asked him. “I mean, I’m not brushing my teeth to get sustenance out of it.”
“Whatever,” the radical rabbi said, “I brush my teeth four times a day! [during Yom Kippur]“
We talked some more about Yom Kippur and I mentioned I would be going to his temple’s free services Thursday afternoon. He invited me to the more exclusive morning services, saying, “I’ll have two tickets waiting for you.”
I love getting free shit. Eat that, Conservatives!
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
If your rabbi isn’t following the rules to the letter, why should you? Screw the system!
I-66’s last blog post..Curses
I thought about that afterward, when I was writing up this post.
hey, he gave me free tickets to his service, who am I to judge?
Fight the power! Eat leather.
Shannon’s last blog post..Hangin’ with Mr. Creepy
Pitting two rules against themselves might be the greatest loophole ever.
Every year when Lent rolls around there’ll be one Friday (usually the second) where I’ll be halfway through a delicious cheeseburger before I remember it’s Friday. I’ll slap my head and contiue eating with much guilt on my everlasting soul.
I remember the time St. Paddy’s day fell on a Friday during Lent…turns out the bishop of Chicago has the power to make Friday Saturday and Saturday Friday just so’s folks could enjoy some corned beef and potatos.
Kevin’s last blog post..A Good Read
I have a friend who once gave up Miller Light for Lent. Not beer. Miller Light.
He still drank Bud Lights.
When I was in 7th grade my church did this fasting thing for charity but they let us have smoothies and frappachinos and basically anything we could liquefy.
You should probably go by their rules. Easiest. Fast. Ever.
Maxie’s last blog post..Just Call Me Sarah Palin.
Wow. Tough. However did you survive?
What the [f]… ! No water, or booze? I’m gonna have to question my resident rabbi too.
[F]oxymoron’s last blog post..I Ran The Army Ten-Miler Today, Now Let Me Explain
Oh, I didn’t ask about beer or vodka or tequila shots. The Talmud didn’t know about those drinks when it laid down the law.
it’s not so much what you eat before you fast, but how much you gorge yourself afterwards. if you make it to Toronto, you can have some chocolate chip coffee cake. from scratch. although it’s always hard to remember not eat while cooking.
You bring up a good point. People think that when we finally break the fast 24 hours later (or 25 if you’re going to be literal about it), that we pig out. But it’s physically impossible to do so without giving yourself a really awful stomach ache.
I always thought the rule was no water either… don’t be a pussy, you can do it!
Believe me, I’ll be doing it regardless of how you feel about pussy.
We should have eaten at Fogo de Chao tonight…then I could have fasted with you. (Hahahaha, yeah right!)
You would make an awful Jew if the only measure of success came from Yom Kippur. Half an hour in you’d be hungry.
Once he caved on bathing, you really should have been laying the groundwork for sex next year.
t2ed’s last blog post..Something to Talk About
“…laying the groundwork…”?
I hear ya.
I love how the hand in the picture is kind of super-hairy. What are you trying to say?
Good eye. I had not noticed.
But yeah, I imagine that’s prohibited, too.
Hilarious. I admit to cheating with the water, too. But the leather and the sex? Now that’s really pushing it…
namaste’s last blog post..Within the Story
Yeah, they’re really asking for too much with that one.
I think we should take a stand.
Why. Are. People. Doing. This. All. The. Time. In. Blogs.
?
You’re going to have to be more specific.
Awesome! You got the “in” just for being confused. The surgeon I work for just got done with Ramadan fasting. He’s all about the no drinking water thing, but said if I was going to fast with him (I do it for a week every year) that I should drink water. I’m not waiting for the virgins in heaven, so what’s to lose?
k8’s last blog post..r u ready 4 me?
“You got the “in” just for being confused.”
Story of my life.
This is a long lost Seinfeld episode.
Marissa’s last blog post..the diner vs. tryst vs. open city
I’m going to take that as a compliment.
I guess this is my shiksa side coming out when I say: Seriously? Wouldn’t fasting sans water put people at risk of some pretty rotten side effects? I kind of doubt my family escaped the Zsar in Russia so that future generations could get sick from dehydration on Yom Kippur. But then, only one side of my family even practices these days so what do I know?
HP’s last blog post..I’m Not Sad, I’m Just Drawn That Way
If anyone can’t fast for health reasons, not only do they not have to but they’re forbidden from doing it.
We like our sacrifices but we’re not absurd about it.
I take offense to the “Catholic’s don’t fast” thing. I once went from Good Friday to Easter Sunday without eating or drinking anything at all.
So what if I had an awful flu?
Thoughts’s last blog post..So I’m back…
I’m sure the Pope would have given you benediction for that.
More exclusive services? Seriously? What, will Madonna be there?
kris’s last blog post..Just another manic Monday
Madonna believes in magic.
Jews believe in miracles.
Ask a Rabbi would be the greatest advice giving website in history.
rs27’s last blog post..Another Wasted Night, Television Steals the Conversation
Ask MY rabbi would certainly be.
You can’t fast during YK and have water. I’m glad the rabbi confirmed that you were correct. Of the list of items the rabbi mentioned, the only thing I do is wear leather shoes. My rationale is that I would rather wear tennis shoes which are more comfortable than my “dress” shoes.
Sean’s last blog post..Steelers-Jaguars Recap
Yeah, that’s by far the easiest. Then the not-washing one.
Sex is in the middle because, well, you can’t have sex, but when you’re depleted of energy, who wants to anyway?
Good thing the Dodgers game starts after sundown.
Why? I would still watch it.
Nowhere does it say “no baseball viewing” in the Talmud.
You know, Mormons fast for 24 hours once a month, including no water. Sex and leather is okay, though. By this time in my life, it really isn’t that bad. Maybe you just need to practice once a month. Next year, Yom Kippur will be EASY!
Btw, you don’t know me— I’m SmashGFunk’s brother.
JakieWakie’s last blog post..Colbert on Young Voters
I know you, Jakie Wakie. I’ve read the stories.
Once a month, really? OK, you might beat the Jews AND the Muslims on this one.
So let me get this straight - you have to pay for services?! I don’t remember ever needing tickets to go to mass.
We’re like a trendy club with a line wrapping around the corner.
Or something.
I am only reading Jewish blogs on Yom Kippur.
G’mar Tov
Five Husbands’s last blog post..American Jews for Obama
Just Yom Kippur?
Tickets for mass? Catholics can PAY people to go to church.
Narm’s last blog post..Facebroke
The demand for these services is so high, we kind of HAVE to charge.
You guys will take anyone; we’re more selective.
So, in terms of fasting you know that you can pretty much break anytime, right? And it’s legal…. the point of the fasting isn’t to make you truly suffer. So, if you have a real medical reason to stop, you can! (i.e. you feel light headed, weak, you faint, your stomach growls at a similar decibel level as a jet engine….) I’m with ya though, I never drank water, but I always break the whole oils thing. Screw that - I’m wearing deodorant. If I’m going to wear a nice suit to temple, I don’t want to have to get it dry cleaned afterward just cause god doesn’t care about bad BO. (hmm, I think I might have to repent for that comment… damnit. Argh again!)
Doug’s last blog post..Thus proving you can never trust Fox
Don’t let us off the hook that easily. Just ’cause my stomach growls doesn’t mean I should call it quits. There has to be a relatively high degree of willpower involved.
Totally with you on the deodorant thing.
Mazel Tov, Arjewtino..
You’ll be written up in the Book Of Life as a mensch!
As for me, I keep it pretty orthodox on Yom Kippur Day - except I brush my (and floss) my teeth, gargle with mouthwash, and most importantly read your blog on this most holy of days. And like most nice Yiddish boys, during the mid afternoon break, I’ll
pull out my palm plot and check out how much monies I have lost in the market.
Nowhere does it say NOT to read blogs. You are a mensch as well!
No water?
Wow.
That’s no joke. You guys are hard core.
Crissy’s last blog post..Get Out of My Way or I’ll Totally Kill You
Yup, that’s Jews for you: tough.
Ha! My Israeli ex would drink mint tea on Yom Kippur. I’ve come to understand that Sephardic jews like to make up their own rules.
Yeah, mint tea does not count as fasting.
Tequila shots, though, do.
I feel so secretly jealous of you for having a religion. I want something to fast about and give my life meaning. Is that wrong? Is it immoral? You’re so lucky, we just worshiped tv in my family.
schadenfreude’s last blog post..For My Protection
Then you, too, could have as much guilt as we do!
Worshipping TV sounds like much more fun. Wait, I do that, too.
Man I wish you could have live blogged yom kippur. I had a jewish friend who told me you can bring books and stuff to read during the services since they last so long. As long as the books are kind of holy. He didn’t mention you have to pay. How much do tickets cost? And Ive so got your fainting back with those catholics. I knew a woman who fasted for lent by drinking soup water and fruit juice giving the impression that you could eat anything during a fast as long as you blended it well enough….
crse’s last blog post..Liveblog from Nashville (well…my living room)
There were some little girls with drawing books, I was pretty envious.
But live blogging it would have been fun if no one could notice the big fucking computer on my lap.
Well, here’s a report from your prodigal Jew in San Francisco. I am typing this comment during the afternoon break in the services from the holiest of all places, your local Starbucks - which coincidentally is owned by one of “the chosen people”. LOL
Still maintaining my fast tho - that is sacrilege. I guess I’m an old skool Jew!
Man, commenting during a service break? You’re way more hard core than I am. I didn’t even live blog my service.
Here are two tips that always helped me with the YK fast:
1. Eat a meal that’s high in carbohydrates and protein, but LOW IN SODIUM. Why? Because your body will crave water to flush out the excess sodium, but you obviously can’t have any. When your body can’t get any water, it will pull water from your bloodstream and other organs, which will give you a headache.
2. Drink plenty of water during your pre-fast meal. Most people don’t drink enough water to being with, so you’ll be taking in the amount you’re supposed to be drinking if you down another glass or two prior to fasting. True, you’ll feel more full, and it may interfere with eating more food, but you’re better off taking in more water than more food. The body can go for quite a while without food, but it can’t go for very long without water.
That’s a good strategy, one I sort of followed. I ate General Tso’s chicken as my pre-fast meal, which is high in carbs and protein, but VERY high in sodium.
It’s ok; I made it.
hehe, awesome post! i’m with you and the rabbi, drinking water is cheating. when i was young our temple forgot to turn off the water fountain so i successfully broke fast during the morning service