Ever since I can remember, the word douchebag has been the go-to pejorative term for the uncreative and the indecisive.
The word is deprecating without being taboo, psuedo-sexual without being vulgar. It has been used by preppies and hipsters alike, by Gen-Xers, Gen-Yers, and even Baby Boomers. It is fun to say but doesn’t sound crass. It is only slightly offensive but never hurts anyone’s feelings. It demands recognition but is never overbearing.
Still, enough is enough.
Thanks to the overuse of an otherwise perfect word, douchebag has, like a great song overplayed by the radio, become stale.
And after 100 years in use, it is time to finally retire it.
The first recorded mention of the word douchebag appeared in 1908 in a gynecological handbook for nurses. The handbook advised to “hang the douche-bag eighteen inches above the level of the patient’s hips.”
But the term really gained traction in the 1960s among college kids who used the term to describe ugly co-eds. By the 1970s, douchebag was almost universally applied to men.
I remember the word became really popular when I went to junior high, a time for young boys to explore the beauty of language by calling each other “fags” and “dicks”. Shakespeare would have been so proud.
But it seemed that the word went away for awhile. For years, I never heard anyone use it.
Then one day about 10 years ago or so I heard someone say it. And then it was all I heard.
And it was glorious.
The Age of Saying Douchebag had returned and the term could be heard in every corner of the world. Online, in bars, at church on Sundays. And it came in many forms: fratdouche, douchefuck, douchetard, douchenozzle, douchewipe, etc.
But at some point in its lifecycle, douchebag became overwrought. It, well, jumped the shark, much like the term “jumped the shark”. A Google search yesterday for douchebag netted more than 2.5 million hits, with its derivatives hitting millions more.
Overexposed to this slang, I made a conscious decision this past year to stop using it. No “douchebag” in e-mails, no douches in text messages, no douche jokes in conversation. Unfortunately, I seem to be alone in this assertion.
Not only have I continued to hear people I consider witty keep saying it despite my vocal protests, many of my friends disagree with me when I say it should be retired. They usually look at me funny and then call me a, well, you know.
The problem is you can’t eliminate something in a vacuum. You need to replace it with something else.
So I’ve tried out some alternatives. Asshat. Fuckrag. Cum dumpster. I’ve even tried saying, “See ya later, fuckfaces!” to my friends who for some reason take offense.
Once, I tried to elicit ideas during a happy hour with my softball team. Ay-ron came up with “unicorn fuck”, the best suggestion anyone had and which was really funny after 10 pitchers of cheap beer but didn’t hold up under the cruel glare of sobriety.
Maybe the trick is to go retro again. Personally, I’m partial to “son of a bitch”, a wonderful term that has lost its allure for some reason. Imagine how effective a well-placed “son of a bitch” would be in conversation:
“I heard your mom joined Facebook.”
“You son of a bitch.”
Now, I’m no genius, but I think we should all brainstorm douchebag alternatives. Ask your friends for suggestions or try some random ones out yourself. You might hit comedy gold and end our long, national nightmare.
For the sake of douchebags everywhere, we must try.
{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }
Whoa! I was about to write a post on the beauty of unicorns. To me, unicorns are f-buddies (has that term jumped the shark?) that your friends hear about but never meet and that’s what makes them mythological creatures.
Zen’s last blog post..The thrill of dating and the agony of Ameet
I definitely don’t corner the market on unicorn-related posts so, by all means, write it up. Don’t be such a unicorn fuck.
I’m all about using asshat. it’s my go-to phrase these days.
you may borrow it if you would like.
Maxie’s last blog post..Would You Rather Wednesday
I already use it but thanks for the loan!
I have to disagree with Maxie, asshat and fucktard are next in line to go the way of the dinosaur (just to avoid saying “jump the shark”).
I’d like to suggest two possibilities. First, a Western PA regional fav: jagoff. Simple and to the point and it has many, many uses.
Second, dickwad/weed (depending on preference). Like douchebag, it’s almost vulgar, but not quite.
Kevin’s last blog post..Didja hear?
YES! Jagoff, THAT was one of my favorites when I was younger! I was trying to think of it and had forgotten it.
I have found, though, that people don’t like it too much.
I have to say, that I’m partial to very childish comebacks. My personal fav is Buttface. Also, I myself was never a fan of Douchebag it’s too French…then again, sich duschen means to shower yourself auf Deutsch.
Millano Miss’s last blog post..I’m actually busy
My friend J-Vo is, too. She came up with poo poo dumb butt or something.
I just checked with her. She likes twat basket. The word, not the thing itself.
To combine the expired phrase of the post, and the expiring one of “fucktard,” I’d offer a personal favorite: “douchetard.”
The Brooklyn Boy’s last blog post..Valedictory(Lying: A Metaphorical Memoir)
Not bad, though if I were going to write about another word that needs to be retired, it’s retard.
Nah, I love it too much.
i’m going to start calling people cum rags.
actually i’m not - but i will in my head instead of saying douchebags.
Careful, sometimes the words in our heads can be accidentally spilled.
Which is why you would probably need a cum rag to clean it all up.
Also, over asshat.
Cuntscrape and fuckstick. The end.
Lemmonex’s last blog post..Play Ball
Cuntscrape does for me what poop talk does for you.
im partial to cunt rag…maybe a bit on the vulgar side in comparison with douchebag, but it is still a female sanitary item
wes285’s last blog post..God Hates Lithium
Very vulgar, indeed, almost bordering on misogynistic. But I’m cool with it.
Part of the beauty of “douchebag” is that it’s something I can say in front of the kids. I used to swear like a drunk sailor with Tourette’s, so having to replace all my shits, fucks, bitches, dicks, cunts, and ass-suckers with “Oh, nuts” made me nearly lose my mind. Douchebag saved me. If we’re ditching it, I need a PG-13 alternative.
JustinS’s last blog post..Help my beard
I got it. Monkey poop. It will always make kids laugh.
Asshat is getting old too. Try Assclown.
Maybe Douchebag is like a tuxedo, it’s classic, simple elegance never goes out of style.
homeimprovementninja’s last blog post..Mo’ Money…
But that’s exactly what I;m arguing: it HAS gone out of style. In this analogy, douchebag has become the powder-blue, ruffled-feather tuxedo.
Assclown is good, too. How about assdouche?
See, I love douchebag.
However, I’ve always been partial to cockgobbler, cuntface, and fuckingasshole.
Oh, and don’t forget dick.
Dick is good too.
Crissy’s last blog post..Schmuckytown Woods: The Place to See Weird Stuff
When in doubt, always go with the classics. That’s why motherfucker will always be part of my vocabulary.
Josh and I had this exact conversation a few months ago after reading an “article” in Esquire. Since then I’ve been trying to bring “knob” back. It’s slow going.
The problem with knob is that the recipient of the offense would probably not be aware he or she has been insulted. He would probably respond with, “What?” and the word’s potency would immediately wear off.
I think it’s important that it be a short word, 1 or 2 syllables, to make for easy exclamation. I vote for a combination of the two words in cum dumpster to create “cumster.”
I-66’s last blog post..Analyze This
That’s really good, actually. Brief, effective, unique.
You’re the current leader.
as with all things in fashion, it takes a bare minimum of 5-7 years for a trendy “something” to work its way out of society’s collective system. Exhibit A: Uggs and generally fugly sheepskin-like boots. In summer. Which means that since most people think douchebag has overreached its prime, it won’t go away for another few years. If we’re lucky, until a new word takes its place. Although I vote totally against cum dumpster. Truly, that’s just gross.
Does that vote extend to cumster?
It, well, jumped the shark, much like the term “jumped the shark”
You mean it “douched the shark,” I’m assuming. And may I suggest “jagbag” as a replacement. It’s got a certain zing.
Marissa’s last blog post..shambles p.i.: the explosive truck edition
Jagbag, huh? I just said it out loud and it sounded satisfyingly appropriate.
And “douched the shark” made me laugh. How about douched the fridge (a reference to nuked the fridge, from the latest Indiana Jones movie)?
To me, douchebag is not a trendy term. It’s just part of every day speech. Like “Fuck.” Is fuck out now too?
If so, you’re a douchebag.
Very creative.
Douchebag is NOT standard. It is not fuck or shit. It is not even asshole. It is like a school elective, but not a mandatory class for your major.
Jordan Baker introduced me to cuntnugget, and it’s become a part of my vocabulary, as has twatwaffle.
freckledk’s last blog post..You’re Soooo Good Looking.
Twatwaffle is good except that I’ve heard VK use it to the point that it’s up there with douchebag now.
Cuntnugget is gold.
You may be right about overuse but douchebag has that certain something that asshat just doesn’t. Asshat is “cute” - something mommybloggers use when they want to be naughty.
Douchebag is perjorative without being cute or overly vulger.
Might I suggest “couch dildo” as an alternative.
P.S. In the past hour douchebag has only been used 5 times - doesn’t seem to support your overuse argument.
Five Husbands’s last blog post..Hurricane Katrina, Sarah Palin and Pork - UPDATED
I would say hearing douchebag five times in one hour DOES support my argument of its overuse. What other word have you heard five times in the past hour?
Keeping with the not totally offensive track, you can always go with fartknocker. Or how about Yankees fan???
Whoah, easy, Yankees Fan is just mean.
achem…helllo…whorebucket
xoxo
I didn’t want to steal your idea. Besides, you guys never really had that HH you promised.
LOVE jagoff! Ah, nostalgia…
I’m also a big fan of cuntscrape (holla Lem) and twatsicle.
I like twatsicle.
The word, too.
It’s hardly a new term, but “schmuck” has a nice ring to it, and like “douchebag” is mildly vulgar without crossing the line into obscenity.
I can’t believe I didn’t bust out the Yiddish. That’s a great one. Maybe not catchy enough, but it does the job.
Lately I’ve derived a lot of satisfaction from ‘jackass’ and its cousin, ‘jackassery’. I hope dbag goes the way of bling: used sparsely by old people who halt a moment before saying it.
BTW, my favorite curse word is motherfucker. Another reason why I love you — because you understand me.
Liking the same vulgar terminology is the sign of a solid friendship.
I’m a big fan of “fucktard”…
” you are such a fucktard! or
“take your fucktardary somewhere else because you’re annoying me!” In a pinch, you can always use twat-waffle. Or, if your really Really REALLY mad at someone, you can call them a cunt nugget.
Some coworkers and I have been playing this little “word of the day” game with the attorney who sits behind me. The catch is that he doesn’t know we are playing it with him but each day I have to throw a totally inappropriate word in to an everyday conversation and see if he notices. So far we have used: clitoris, finger banging, anal leakage, nipple, twat-waffle and labia…. I love my job
You said “job”.
I woul;d have though fucktardary would be spelled fucktardery. Another thing to ruminate over.
I would have to agree with 5 husbands about about “asshat”, since I seem to be a mommyblogger and my two elementary age children now use both “asshat” and “assclown” when *they* want to sound naughty, so I’ve been forced to bump it up to assfuck and twatweasel. Of course, since I actually was a Sailor, and still cuss like one, my kids are ahead of the trash-talk curve.
You should also be made aware, as the anti-mommyblog, that while “cuntnugget” IS gold, it’s also now what the (wannabe naughty) mommybloggers use when they’re talking about their kids! You don’t want to get caught sounding like one. You wouldn’t make me feel naughty anymore when I read your stuff.
Sarah’s last blog post..Crenshaw is where I chill…
Thanks for the tip. I wouldn’t want my readers to think I’ve gone daddyblog-like.
I’ve always been partial to “cuntscrape.” It generally leaves people with no comeback and in total shock.
Talking Budgie’s last blog post..Boobage…
You can never go wrong with “bastard.”
Classic. Simple. Effective. Every time.
Amanda’s last blog post..Small step for mankind
I think you’re just trying to get douchebag in this post so often that when search engines do their magic word count prioritizing, your blog pops up to the top when someone googles douchebag. douchebag douchebag douchebag douchebag douchebag douchebag douchebag douchebag douchebag douchebag (there you go - hope it helps)
My 5yo swears like Spongebob - its great to hear her mutter “oh tartar sauce” or “Barnacles!” at appropriate curse moments. It’s what I am stuck on now and can’t think of anything else.
Connie’s last blog post..International Day of Peace
I still love dillweed or dillhole. They are so effective, plus they make me laugh.
Ryane’s last blog post..A Rant, In One Greasy Pizza Box
When I was in middle school, we called each other cat fuckers. It’s probably too vulgar, but it’s pretty biting. Nobody wants to be a cat fucker and if you do want to be one, well, then you’re a cuntnugget-loving twatwaffle.
I prefer the classic: “cocksucker.”
but that’s just me.
See, I’m old school, I usually just go with a simple assface or dickhead. I’ve also been known to throw around a fuckface from time to time. I don’t know why, but those words just crack me up and if I’m making my self laugh I don’t really care about what anyone else says. I’m pretty selfish.
eric’s last blog post..Vacaton…
aw, DB… such a classic straight boy cut-down… you guys really need to get more creative. just say no to DB!
How about taking some inspiration from Stiles from Teen Wolf and calling someone a “dicknose”? (He wears a t-shirt in the film that reads “What are you looking at, dicknose?”
I have to admit I’m a big fan of “asshat” as well as “fuckface”.
Rory’s last blog post..#3 Method for proposing marriage to an individual - Application US2007/0078663
Having introduced the world to cuntnugget, I’m working on adding dickstream to the lexicon.
jordanbaker’s last blog post..Project Runway: Me Against the Music
Well, what a hilarious blog topic. Douche bag has been one of my fave expressions for years. Replacements? How about asswipe (from Beavus and Butthead), dicksbreath, dickhead cuntface, cuntlicker, shithead…even better is MORON.
Fuck that, douchebag is overused because it’s such a damn good word. You can’t get rid of it. Son of a bitch is cool, just doesn’t convey the same amount of loserness. In fact, a son of a bitch almost sounds complimentary, like the guy you’re talking about is some badass bastard. All the new words these hipsters are coining like fucktard just suck. Douchebag just works.
T. AKA Ricky Raw’s last blog post..Simps
A great old-fashioned word that is so powerful and biting is: prick
And I am 66 years old.
Now what about shit smear? I personally enjoy anything involving fecal humiliation. Shitlicker. Shit stain. Shit rot. Linguistically speaking, I have to agree with several points made in your comments; I do think it’s jackassery/fucktardery etc. Asshat is the stupidest attempt to cuss ever. Fuckface is going the way of the douche.
My spouse pulled out dickhole the other day. It was refreshing. And all time greatest insult (for me), “the best part of you ran down your mother’s leg”.
crse’s last blog post..Keep the change