Cranium physics, funny stares, and Hitler jokes: the yarmukle social experiment goes to my head

As I promised, I conducted a social experiment yesterday in which I wore a yarmulke all day just to see what would happen. I wasn’t sure what to expect. But I was curious to see how the people around me would react and whether I would feel any different with the “weight of God” atop my head.

As it turned out, it was much more entertaining than I could have predicted:

Monday night

11:03pm — I find the yarmulke Big I and Erin gave me from their wedding last year. It’s brown, suede, and fits snugly on my head. It’s not a black one worn by Orthodox Jews, nor is it an Obamica or McCippah.

I wish it were a Dodgers one, like Sean suggested, but no. Brown suede.

“Won’t it fall off?” The Princess asks me as I try it on.

“Only if I do this,” I respond while shaking my head back and forth like a wet dog drying himself off.

Tuesday

7:56am — I put my yarmulke on and walk out the door. It feels heavy and conspicuous.

7:58am – I spot the Ride On bus, which we know is always late, idling at my stop. I pick up the pace, mindful not to let my yarmulke fly off my head. Fuck, I think, the bus is going to leave! Screw this crap. I take off my yarmulke and sprint for the bus, hopping on just in time.

Two minutes into this social experiment and I already have to take it off for sheer convenience.

8:05am – I look in the reflection of a bus window to see if anyone is staring at me. No one cares. Paranoia is settling in nicely.

8:30am – Waiting for the Orange Line at Metro Center, a man stares at me. His eyes follow my head as I walk by him. I consider glaring back at him and asking him what his fucking problem is.

8:50am – Getting off the train, a woman stares at me. Could be the yarmulke. Or it could be because I’m really, really ridiculously good-looking.

8:55am – I walk into my office. My friend/co-worker INPY congratulates me on the Dodgers win last night. He looks up from his computer and spots the yarmulke.

“It looks like a receptacle tip,” he says. “I thought it would at least be one of those silky ones. That one looks ribbed for her pleasure.”

He asks me why I don’t have a nicer one.

“This one was free,” I tell him. “Why would I buy one when I have one for free?”

This is going to be a long day.

9:10am – Another co-worker, a blonde, blue-eyed German woman, walks into my office. With my back turned to her, she spots my social experiment immediately.

“YOU’RE JEWISH?” she asks, startled. “I didn’t know you were Jewish.”

Not exactly the words you want to hear from a German.

“Uh, yeah…” I say.

“That’s ok, I’m fine with it.”

What every Jew likes to hear.

9:12am – My German co-worker tells INPY: “We need to take a picture of [Arjewtino]. He can be our token Jew.”

I turn to face her: “CAN be? I AM our token Jew!”

I haven’t even had coffee yet.

9:57am – Ten minutes after I publish yesterday’s blog post announcing my social experiment, my friend MJ e-mails me: “How is the hat?” the subject line reads. “I’ve always wondered,” she writes, “do you have to bobby pin the hat in your hair? Or does it just stay without any kind of hair accessories?”

I have a feeling the yarmulke’s ability to stay on my head will quickly become today’s recurring theme.

10:42am – I’m starting to get used to having this God-fearing reminder on my head. I walk down the hall and don’t even notice it until I turn sharply and it nearly falls off.

11:11am – INPY takes another good look at me and sees I’m also wearing brown shoes.

“I gotta tell you, between the yarmulke and those shoes, you look like your mom dressed you and sent you off to school.”

I can really feel the spiritual awakening of this experiment taking place.

12:02pm – We go to lunch. On the way, I make a funny Hitler joke. INPY doesn’t even chuckle. This is odd since I’m fucking hysterical.

“I’m all freaked out now that you’ll take offense if I laugh.”

12:10pm – At the deli, the Korean proprietors take notice of the yarmulke. We proceed to have a 5-minute conversation on the physics of why it doesn’t fall off.

12:17pm – INPY is getting obviously jealous of the attention I’m getting with the yarmukle. He practically begs me to let him put it on his head. I let him and take a picture.

1:08pm – I enter the office of the president of my company to discuss some work-related issues with her.

“Is today a holiday?” she tentatively asks me. I consider screwing with her and telling her it’s Rosh Hashana and that I need to take a half-day. People tend to worry about offending Jews and our crazy rituals, so I’m pretty sure it would have worked, especially considering she was raised Baptist in the South. Then again, if she doesn’t fall for my ruse, she might just transfer me to Alabama.

1:57pm – I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror. Holy shit! I forgot I had this thing on! It’s like looking in the mirror after a severe haircut, it’s startling. Jewishly startling. It’s seriously beginning to look like I’m wearing a broken pinwheel hat.

3:00pm – Coffee break. While pouring myself a cup o’ joe at the deli, I look up and see a woman sitting at a table. She’s looking at me and laughing. Could be at something her friend said. Or it could be she’s an anti-Semite.

4:46pm – This thing keeps moving around on me. Maybe I should have considered a bobby pin after all, though my hair might be too short for this. I saw a military man a few weeks ago wearing a yarmulke and wondered what the pin was even clinging to. I should have asked him.

5:16pm – My friend ePod e-mails me to tell me about a friend of hers in college who always wore his yarmulke underneath his cowboy hat.

“He’s from Texas,” she writes. “They called him the Jewish Cowboy.”

I could be the Jewish gaucho.

5:54pm – I walk to the Metro at the end of the day. I pass a woman with an obvious Jew fetish since she is glaring at me. Actually, she is glaring through me. She looks like she hates me.

6:03pm – On the train, I see three different people stare at me. This is the beginning of a commute home in which I will see no fewer than 87 people stare at me. No exaggeration. Nope, not at all.

6:05pm – The man who had been sitting next to me gets up and walks to the other side of the train. It looks like needs to read the Metro map but I know he hates my Jewie hat.

6:11pm – I have not seen one other person wearing a yarmukle. This is very disappointing. I want to see someone else sporting one. Like when I participated in Movember and saw men with mustaches, I want to nod at my brother as if to say, “I get you.”

6:13pm – Two minutes after I have this thought, I’m walking up the escalator at Metro Center to catch the Red Line. A man follows behind me and I can hear him saying something to me.

I pause my iPod and ask him what he was saying. Finally, after a whole day of waiting for this moment, he looks at me and says, “Shalom.”

I am genuinely surprised.

“Oh,” I respond, “Shalom.”

Nothing like some Hebrew to validate this experiment.

Conclusions:

As I commuted to work, I felt outwardly, and perhaps predictably, more Jewish. This made me much more sensitive to acting in a proper manner. It’s one thing to act like an ass on the train. But when you’re obviously Jewish, you feel like you’re representing ALL Jews. I was much more aware of my behavior lest someone think all Jews act the way I do.

In the end, it was a fun little experiment. I didn’t exactly feel the weight of God on my head, especially considering I don’t even believe in God. But I did feel the weight of my people bearing down on me and reminding me to act like a mensch.

Still, today, when I go back to work, I’ll leave the skullcap at home.

Until my next Jewish wedding, anyway.