What kind of a sick, demented mind does it take to want to be President of the United States? Why would anyone spend months kissing babies, eating pancakes, and begging for money just to win the right to be vilified for 4, and if they’re lucky, 8, thankless years?
Luckily for us, there are plenty of crazy nutjobs who don’t mind selling their scruples to the highest bidder. Forget Clinton vs. Obama, McCain vs. Huckabee. Those candidates represent the status quo and one of them, in all likelihood, will be our next leader.
With only 293 days left until we elect our next president, you should instead turn your attention not to the ones with money and power, but to the lonely longshots of this race, the unsung Seabiscuits of politics, the deluded ones who, against all reason and common sense, have decided to “run” for the U.S. empire presidency (vote in the poll at the end of this post).
Frank Moore (Web site)
Who is this guy?
I think Moore is the only candidate who is not at least a little earnest about his candidacy. What tipped me off? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because his running mate, Dr. Susan M. Block, is into “erotic theater”. Or maybe it’s because he’s a performance artist who started his own political party and dubbed it “The Just Makes Sense Party”. Or maybe it’s because his slogan is “We mean business!” and I don’t trust anyone who means business.
Why should I vote for him?
Not a bad choice, considering. Moore says he’ll give every American a minimum monthly income of $1,000/month and will make sure we all get to ride public transit for free. Moore also promises to “destroy” 10% of nuclear weapons every year. Probably by launching them at some asteroids.
Best reason he should lead our country.
He would let all of us call him “dude”.
Level of delusion as indicated by his own words.
“Hey, what do I look like, a fortune teller?”
Lee L. Mercer, Jr. (Web site)
Who is this guy?
Mercer is a man who loves run-on sentences, finds punctuation optional, and believes the U.S. Army ordered him to invent a new discipline of education.
Why should I vote for him?
On his Web site, he outlined 70 reasons why he is a candidate. Pretty impressive. Among these reasons, he lists “to prove” that every person in the U.S. is hooked up to an “Eye Spy Community” surveillance system, “to prove” that he can make up words like “intacted”, and “to prove” that he has “1 million U.S. Military Intelligence Negro Female Lawyers and All the Negro Certified Public Accountants”.
Best reason he should lead our country.
He was in the ROTC at the University of Texas. That’s already more experience than our current President.
Level of delusion as indicated by his own words.
“I will be the 2nd Negro President of the United States of America in 2008.”
Steve Adams (Web site)
Who is this guy?
The most interesting things about Stephen Adams is that he likes to go by “Steve”, rides a motorcycle with something called the Patriot Guard Riders, and chose a running mate named “Bob”. Come on, Steve, you look like a Social Studies teacher.
Why should I vote for him?
He actually has a position on gerrymandering. I guarantee you won’t find out Mitt Romney’s position on gerrymandering no matter how hard you try.
Best reason he should lead our country.
Being pro-life and pro-capital punishment, Adams wouldn’t be the first hypocrite to win the Oval Office.
Level of delusion as indicated by his own words.
“Those who know me personally know that I love humor, but I assure you that this is no joke. Don’t worry, I haven’t lost my sense of humor.”
Kat Swift (Web site)
Who is this chick?
A Louisiana native who shuns capitalization, brags about having “many adopted” parents, and has an older brother employed as something called a “fire spinner”.
Why should I vote for her?
This hippie chick wants to legalize marijuana, allow hot lesbians to marry each other, and boils down the otherwise complex issue of school prayer to: “if you want to pray at school, fine. If not, fine.” Sounds good to me.
Best reason she should lead our country.
She has a Facebook and MySpace account and published her cell phone (which is part of Cingular) on her Web site. That’s what I call transparent government.
Level of delusion as indicated by her own words.
“IM - MahaMonkeyMojo”
Don Cordell (Web site)
Who is this guy?
Holy Jesus Christ on a waffle, this guy scares the crap out of me! Look at this dude! His campaign motto might as well be “Get off my lawn!” His Web site is a diatribe of incoherent thoughts that scrolls down to the depths of Internet hell! Seriously, I bet Cordell would rip out my throat and bitch slap me with it if he knew I was linking to him. Good thing the Internet scares old people.
Why should I vote for him?
Because if you don’t, Cordell will kill you.
Best reason he should lead our country.
He has a “platform” in which he outlines a plan for lower gas prices ($1.29/gallon), no amnesty “for anyone”, and “no more gangs”. And when I say Cordell has a “plan”, I mean he has “batshit crazy ideas”.
Level of delusion as indicated by his own words.
“The fence, the fence, the fence, who’s got the fence? We don’t got the fence, we don’t got the money, Congress killed the money for the fence. Welcome more and more illegal aliens. Americans screwed again.”
Brad Lord-Leutwyler (Web site)
Who is this guy?
Lord-Leutwyler seems like a pretty normal person. He’s married to a really hot woman, has a 5-year-old daughter, and is a professor of Logic and Critical Thinking at the University of Nevada Las Vegas. Looks like he’s an Aquarius. Yup, pretty normal dude. Oh yeah, he also has a MySpace page with 16,917 fucking friends!
Why should I vote for him?
Because in his defense of allowing gay marriage, he quotes Pepe LePew: “When you are in love, it is impossible to get insurance.”
Best reason he should lead our country.
Check out his awesome name. I don’t know why he has two last names hyphenated, but the cadence of that surname fills me with a feeling of optimism and a desire for good cheese.
Level of delusion as indicated by his own words.
“Hillary Clinton is now playing the vagina card.”
Kent Mesplay (Web site)
Who is this guy?
An ambitious Green Party candidate who wants to “improve our security” and “reform politics”. Easy there, big fella, how ’bout we concentrate on raising $10 first?
Why should I vote for him?
Because Mesplay promises a two-pronged “rock” attack, vowing to rock the vote and rock the debates.
Best reason he should lead our country.
His name sounds like a cross between “display” and “me play”, which has to be good for us. Then again, it also sounds like “misplay”, which is probably bad.
Level of delusion as indicated by his own words.
“I pledge to not give money to the Democratic or Republican parties/Or to their candidates/Until we have nationwide public funding of campaigns/And real debates/That are open to all ballot-qualified candidates/Having a statistical chance of winning their races.
Charles Maxham (Web site)
Who is this guy?
Maxham is an independent running under the “Give Me Back America” party, which I’m sure isn’t nearly as catchy as he intended.
Why should I vote for him?
Maxham likes to golf, lives in New Jersey, and loves country music. He pretty much sounds like your retired uncle. Also, he recently completed a book called Look No More, which he describes as a romantic adventure about an ex-ace jet fighter pilot and a concert pianist who end up fighting terrorists in war-torn Iraq.
Best reason he should lead our country.
He describes his wife Unni as “the angel that God sent to watch over me”, so clearly he believes in magic and unicorns.
Level of delusion as indicated by his own words.
“I’m not delusional and think that I can actually be elected President.”
There you go, eight Presidential candidates who should make you feel better about our country’s future. Who’s got your vote?
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
wait… you judge folks based on their punctuation??…. im so screwed..
xoxo
suicide_blond’s last blog post..My Porn Made a Gay Man Blush?
Only if you’re running for President.
You said “screwed”.
At first glance, I thought Kat Swift was that guy involved in the Aqua Teen / Boston bomb hoax from last year.
matt sears’s last blog post..Patrick Stewart? Is That You??
I remember the event but not the dude. Yeah, she seems very earthy.
It’s a shame the Constitution Party http://www.constitutionparty.com/ hasn’t picked its presidential candidate yet…. but you should definitely see the stuff they say. And the scary part — they claim to be the third largest party by number of registered voters.
and yes, their National HQ is in my hometown. and you wonder why I fled north of the border…..
Oh, but they have: Don J. Grundmann and Diane Beall Templin.
I gotta say I like the pot-smoking, dreadlocked, chick. But she has no chance sadly.
jo’s last blog post..The Compliment High
I voted for the “Get off my lawn!” dude. But that’s only because I felt like I had to.
Don Cordell…hands down. I like his platform of “no more gangs” and “no amnesty”. He’s a real candidate with real solutions.
Cordell in 08′
JackGoesForth’s last blog post..The State Of Jack Address
Click on his Web site, I swear this guy is one cold coffee away from firebombing a Starbucks.
one of the teachers from my high school ran one year just to prove the point that anyone can run for president. several of my classmates voted for him.
Do you know how many votes he got?
Well, seeing as I got Kucinich when I took the candidate test at glassbooth.org, I may as well vote for one of these whackjobs. Kucinich? I am such a pansy.
Lemmonex’s last blog post..From the Corners of my Mind
Yeah, but did you see Kucinich’s wife? Now that’s a first lady.
That old guy reminds me of the super creepy old guy from Poltergeist, who has to be the scariest human being on the face of the planet. I would sure as hell not vote for him because I would have nightmares every day for the rest of my life. Eep.
You have mentioned Poltergeist more than any other movie since I’ve known you (maybe Children of the Corn slightly more). I never saw this movie, though I get the premise based on the “Family Guy” spoof, but I am amazed at how traumatizing it must have been on you. Why your mom didn’t stop you from watching scary movies as a child is beyond me.
I did some calculations and Kucinich’s wife is 9 kabillion times hotter than Lordy’s wife. Saying all that I voted for Michael Clarke Duncan in this poll.
rs27’s last blog post..Fear the ‘Stache
That’s a pretty startling calculation and, though I agree with your assertion that she is hot, Lord’s wife is way more my type so I’d give her the nod. This is, of course, without giving consideration to Fred Thompson’s wife.
Definitely Cordell. Because “We don’t got the fence!” Rock the fence.
That’s comedy gold right there.
de-lurking because this post kept me awake and laughing at work. Thank you!
squid’s last blog post..Please Note
That’s great considering my blog posts typically have the opposite effect.
And it’s not even National Delurking Day!
I too voted for swift because she probably knows how to hook us up with some decent ging.
rich’s last blog post..More on Presidential Hopefuls?
You made a brave choice considering her stance on capitalizing letters.
don cordell 2008! just look at that mug!
kat swift would have gotten my endorsement but for her dreds. are they made of hemp?
roissy’s last blog post..Withholding Sex
I think it’s tree bark.
Don Cordell looks like my parents’ next door neighbor in AZ, who hates Hillary Clinton so much that he has donated money to EVERY presidential candidate EXCEPT her, just to make sure that “the broad don’t win.”
I’m guessing he has also ranted about how we don’t got the fence, but pretty much everyone in AZ does that.
jordanbaker’s last blog post..Why IKEA bites, reasons #787 and #788
I’m sure his $10 will swing the nation’s vote away from her.
“.a romantic adventure about an ex-ace jet fighter pilot and a concert pianist who end up fighting terrorists in war-torn Iraq.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I still didn’t vote for that guy even though he seems pretty comical…
E :)’s last blog post..Drunk History.
Poor guy looks like he just came back from his prom.
Don Cordell is scary… Wait, I shouldn’t say that, in case he wins. After all, I am a foreigner in this country. I have all my papers, Mr. Cordell! I have them all!!
Not So Little Woman’s last blog post..Coming soon…
You and I are precisely why “we don’t got the fence!”
Holy Jesus Christ on a waffle this blog cracked me up!
I’m a fairly new reader. Since you just made me spit my wine directly onto my laptop with the “Good thing the Internet scares old people” line, I figure it was time to finally comment.
Thank you.
I hope it was white wine. Red wine will fuck up your mainframe. Ask The Princess.
I had to go with the hemp lesbian chick, if only that we need dreads in the oval office. Absolutely.
Also, I’m officially tagging you for a meme! Wheee! Check out my blog for details *if* you’d like to participate.
amy’s last blog post..I have been TAGGED!
Now let me make it clear in case she reads this: I never said she was a lesbian. It is human nature, however, to simplify things and sometimes stereotypes are there for a reason.
Dreads in the oval office? I’m not sure I can get behind that.
these people give me the SERIOUS heebie jeebies!
And the mainstream candidates don’t?
So who wins in a steel cage match: Frank Moore or Don Cordell?
Sean’s last blog post..John Kerry is Kung Fu Fighting
Man, I’d have to go with Cordell. That guy looks like he could wrestle a walrus and then eat it.
Ignoring the fact I can’t actually vote in this election… I have to say I was initially tempted by Lee L. Mercer, Jr. because you simply can’t mess with “1 million U.S. Military Intelligence Negro Female Lawyers and All the Negro Certified Public Accountantsâ€.
Obama, Clinton.
Gameover I’m afraid.
But on reflection I’d go for Lord-Leutwyler. Purely because he has a section on his site called ‘Students for Brad’ which consists only of a sad list of ‘Cool things you can do for Brad’ which made me squirm with pleasure.
Also, he really IS going to change America. $25 at a time. If you can’t see that then you’ve been blinded by Hilary’s magical vagina card. Believe.
Excellent post arjewtino.
Now that’s what I call critical thinking and engaging in American politics! Too bad you can’t exercise your franchise here because you’ve obviously put a lot of thought into the future of our country.
Hm…New Jersey and a book called “Look No More”? Sounds more like a Sopranos biography…
Jessica’s last blog post..Are You There God? It’s Me, Jessica.
I’m guessing Charles and Unni Maxham slant towards the Republican side of most issues considering they painted their entire bodies red. What? That’s just their skin tone? They may want to see a doctor.
eric’s last blog post..TWSSF
FRANK MOORE ALL THE WAY!!!!
His platform does make sense to those of us who want real change and who want to work together to raise the bar for humanity!
Brad Lord-Luetwyler left his job as a lawyer as it was against his values. Went back to astrophysics. Unlike many politicians - he has a brain and is not afraid to use it.
http://WWW.VOTEFORBRAD.COM
Vote for who they tell you you should? Or vote for who you want? Let’s take our country back.
Arjewtino, you’ve commented on my blog a couple of times so I’ve tagged you with a meme. Thanks for your sense of humor and this great post!
How about this candidate?
http://womensspace.wordpress.com/support-my-presidential-campaign/
Fighting Windmills’s last blog post..Favorite Posts Meme
Gas at $4.29 gal, and you don’t believe me that I’ll give you gas for $1.29. What are you going to do when gas is $10/gal? If you don’t elect Me this November, Welcome to the North American Union, on the way to the New World Order. You have to review some of the Video links I’ve included in my website, to see what is happening to our nation. I’m not a hard nut, I’m a citizen that is worried as to what is happening to our nation. We must return manufacturing to America.
Stop buying from China, or China will take our money and buy America. There are about 5 million Americans out of work, or downsized to where they can’t afford to make house payments.
God Bless America, no one else will.