Monday, December 15th, 2008...9:01 am
77 reasons I lost a 10K race to a 77-year-old man
After running my first race last month — an 8K that taught me valuable lessons such as Steal the Trophies Before a Race — I decided to form a team for yesterday’s Jingle All the Way 10K.
Our 11-member team — nicknamed The Trophy Thieves in honor of our kleptomaniacal tendencies — finished a respectable 16th out of 49 teams thanks to our top four finishers who clocked in an average of 49:27.
My personal goal was to complete the race in less than 1 hour. I finished in 1 hour and 22 seconds.
I came in 1,093rd place among 1,374 men and 211th out of 257 in my age group.
Not a stellar run by any measure.
But the very worst part was this — I had a worst time than SIX OF THE NINE men older than 70. That means that two-thirds of the men who could be my grandpa ran faster than I did.
I even lost to a 77-year-old dude named George, who ran the race in an amazing 50:31! He must have taken extra Silver Centrum that day.
George’s age is haunting me. Luckily, I have plenty of whiny excuses good reasons for this.
77 reasons I lost a 10K race to a 77-year-old man
1. I had never run a 10K race before.
2. Then again, I had never run an 8K race before, either.
3. My “training” the past 6 weeks consisted of running a total of 4 miles and eating lots of chocolate chip cookies.
4. It was colder than an Eskimo’s dick yesterday morning.
5. It made me run like a zombie on methamphetamines.
6. Also, my beard made me less aerodynamic.
7. Organizers served hot chocolate before the race.
8. I could feel it sloshing around in my stomach while I ran.
9. I then had to stop to pee. During the race.
10. I couldn’t feel my own dick.
11. That cost me at least a minute.
12. Talking to the only other guy in the bathroom is not a good idea.
13. Especially when it turns out he’s not running the same 10K you are but is, rather, homeless.
14. Eating gnocchi the night before a race is not an effective energy-building activity.
15. Neither is eating half a bag of Lay’s cheddar and sour cream potato chips.
16. I should have eaten General Tso’s chicken like I did before the 8K.
17. As it turns out, not ingesting 2,000 mg of sodium and 2,000 calories of Chinese takeout can hurt you.
18. I had to poop the morning of the race.
19. It didn’t take.
20. I was distracted during the race by thousands of women in tight spandex.
21. Some of them shouldn’t wear spandex.
22. One 50-year-old woman showed me her watch during the race, trying to let me know what our time was.
23. This made me pause my iPod.
24. I can’t run well without music.
25. I think she beat me, too.
26 Volunteers failed to shout out regular times at mile markers, which was disorienting.
27. They were surly, too.
28. Especially the teenage girls who said “I fucking hate you” to each other at the bag check.
29. I realized in the first mile I might have still been slightly hungover from Baby Bien’s birthday party Friday night.
30. Or maybe a little drunk.
31. Shots, whiskey, and beer don’t always mix well, even 36 hours before a 10K.
32. I couldn’t remember the helpful “beer before liquor…” adage.
33. Or was it “liquor before beer…”?
34. Either way, smoking an entire pack of cigarettes does not help your lungs when you need them most.
35. Too many random thoughts entered my head while running.
36. This prevented me from focusing fully on my time.
37. Like wondering if Toyota had finally stopped showing its “Saved by Zero” TV commercials.
38. Or if boiling Gatorade is bad for you.
39. Race organizers weren’t handing out trophies.
40. Not racing for a cheap plastic award can feel pointless.
41. Who the hell wants a magenta fleece as an award, anyway?
42. I kept fantasizing about the breakfast we were going to have at the Silver Diner afterward.
43. Apparently, even thinking about a steak with an egg on top can make you feel more full.
44. I forgot to wear my sweat wristband.
45. This made me unable to properly soak sweat from my forehead.
46. The extra sweat obviously slowed me down.
47. I even sweat in the gloves they gave us.
48. I was also distracted by the cacophony of jingling Christmas bells runners had attached to their shoes.
49. And the hundreds of Santa hats, reindeer antlers, and elf ears.
50. An elf woman ran into me.
51. The “collision” slowed me down by at least 2 seconds.
52. She was wearing knee-high, striped candy-cane socks, so I didn’t mind.
53. Wondering if elves are sexy while you’re running is somewhat disturbing.
54.So is telling yourself to Google image search “sexy elves” when you get home.
55.Speaking of sexy, I realized halfway through the race that I don’t look good running.
56. With 2 miles left, my feet started to feel like 100-pound dumbbells.
57. It’s not easy to run with 100-pound dumbbells strapped to your feet.
58. And my knees started to feel like Jell-O.
59. Frozen Jell-O.
60. Some 14-year-old kid almost tripped me in those last 2 miles.
61. Watching him fly by you is discouraging.
62. He finished with a better time than me, too.
63. Running into children might be a new theme in my life.
64. I thought about peeing again near the finish line.
65. And wondered how marathon racers do it while running.
66. I didn’t see Mayor Fenty during the race.
67. Probably because he was ahead of me the entire time, finishing in 38:43.
68. I brainstormed things I would say to him if I did.
69. “I bought these sneakers at Fleet Feet!” sounded too lame.
70. I was starting to lose support in my Under Armour underwear.
71. My awesome iPod playlist didn’t include any songs from Rocky.
72. “Eye of the Tiger” could make me carry logs in the snow, too.
73. But only if it was a montage.
74. My strategy to do more leg exercises at the gym rather than run on the treadmill backfired.
75. Especially when lifting more than 50 pounds on the leg curls causes my hamstrings to cramp up.
76. The leg press, though, has made my ass look awesome.
77. Fuck it. I’ll do better in the Cherry Blossom 10-miler.
46 Comments
December 15th, 2008 at 9:21 am
Hey just finishing makes you a winner - congrats!
Quickroute’s last blog post..High School Reunion - 25 Years Later
Now I just feel “special”.
December 15th, 2008 at 9:26 am
I might still be hungover. Or drunk. Congrats!!!
I wouldn’t doubt it, actually. Great party, man.
December 15th, 2008 at 9:33 am
I read an article saying that viagra helps people build stamina and that they were going to outlaw it for the tour de france.
Thats why those old fuckers won. I guarantee it. They were hopped up on boner meds.
Matt’s last blog post..Mother Nature hates me but that’s ok because I think she’s a…
Oh my god. You might be right.
So you’re saying I should develop impotence? I hear ya…
December 15th, 2008 at 9:37 am
At least you didn’t barf, especially with alcohol still in your system, and hot chocolate sloshing around your belly. Congrats on crossing the finish line, at least!
Jenn’s last blog post..Love and happiness.
When you put it that way, it makes my accomplishment seem almost noble. Thank you.
December 15th, 2008 at 9:38 am
I could partially run a marathon whilst drunk. There is a key word in there. I’ll let you decide which one it is.
Ben’s last blog post..500.
Whilst? Run? I?
December 15th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Sounds like total hell. You earned a month of not leaving your couch (except for potty breaks and to tip the pizza guy.)
Mermanda’s last blog post..Creature update
I think I earned it, you’re right. My next race won’t be until April, so I have plenty of time.
December 15th, 2008 at 9:41 am
next year we are totally dressing up. i think that will improve our times.
or we just find faster friends…..
I don’t think that’s the issue. WE are the slow friends; THEY need to find faster friends.
December 15th, 2008 at 9:48 am
so basically your knees were jello shots since you were still drunk?
Your powers of induction are staggering.
December 15th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Blerg. And I was btiching about summoning the energy to leave the house Sunady to go to a diner and eat cheesy eggs. Mmm, they were delicious.
But at least The Princess didn’t rub my belly.
Zing!!!
December 15th, 2008 at 9:59 am
Proud of you either way, good job finishing. So, we ordered in for the bf’s bday saturday night (i made him a tasty breakfast earlier and we packed up his place ALL day) and i ordered your favorite, General Tso’s Chicken… i made it last for 2 dinners, but damn, that is some good shit.
You would have been better off with a GTC dinner the night before
I learned my lesson. And take an awesome shit the day before, not the day of.
December 15th, 2008 at 10:02 am
It’s “liquor before beer, never fear. Beer before liquor, never sicker.”
Hp’s last blog post..At Least I Didn’t “Carry a Watermellon”
I must have a mental block on that, thank you. I’m writing it on a Post-It.
December 15th, 2008 at 10:10 am
When my parents were in town and ran a 5k with me, both my mom and dad had the same complaint: “The problem with people my age running is that they’re serious runners and not doing it for fun like the younger people, so we’ll always be last!” On the bright side, my dad was first place from Rio de Janeiro. (Yep, him and my mom were the only ones from there, but who’s counting?)
My friend ran the Marine Corps Marathon in October, and the woman in front of him totally let it go while running. Nope, she wasn’t peeing on herself. It was #2. (Maybe should be called #3 since it was mostly in liquid form?) And nope, she didn’t stop running after she shit all over herself. So maybe that’s how marathoners do it?? Why stop at the porta-potties when you can finish at a good time?
Beach Bum’s last blog post..Bad date
I could accept peeing on yourself during a race since I learned first-hand that awful feeling of holding it in.
But shitting yourself? No excuse.
December 15th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Oh, and how did you feel when a fan recognized you post-race? Hopefully it wasn’t a bit stalkerish?
Beach Bum’s last blog post..Bad date
Not at all, I was flattered! I’m glad you came up to me, I would have ridiculed you if you hadn’t.
I was still feeling out-of-breath and had that post-race blah feeling so I hope I didn’t sound too weird.
December 15th, 2008 at 10:28 am
dude. chocolate chip cookies are totally essential to train for such a thing.
totally.
deutlich’s last blog post..Not Quite Right
Even when they cost you your first 60-minute 10K? Yeah, probably.
December 15th, 2008 at 10:36 am
If you lick a Eskimo’s cold dick will your tongue stick to it? You know nevermind if I am ever in Alaska I will find out and get back to you.
I was going to say, that’s really up to you to find out.
December 15th, 2008 at 10:38 am
C’mon, it was all because TO is pissed at you because you don’t run with him anymore.
Tell the truth here man.
Chris’s last blog post..things can be better
I think TO might have some, ahem, sexuality issues. Just saying.
December 15th, 2008 at 10:49 am
I’m with MJ - maybe you’d have gone faster if she’d found the antlers.
Also, you know I usually love kids, but I wanted to smack the one that cut in front of (and almost tripped) me. Brat.
Liebchen’s last blog post..I’m feeling a little lazy…
It might have been the same kid, I think there was only one 14-year-old.
December 15th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Excuses, excuses… you know the real reason you lost is because you’re bad at life.
Aine Caitriona’s last blog post..John Stamos > Matthew McConaughey
That’s pretty much 77 reasons wrapped in a nutshell.
December 15th, 2008 at 10:56 am
I dunno if you registered for the CB10miler last year, but it was sold out before 430 pm same day. And the website is known to crash. Get on the site credit card handy exactly at 8 am. If you are early hit refresh till its game time.
Yeah, I heard the horror stories. I’ll definitely be ready tomorrow. Are you signing up, too?
December 15th, 2008 at 11:07 am
no rocky??? what the hell? What were you listening to? Boyz 2 Men???
Doug’s last blog post..My Deepest Darkest Secrets
I have “Eye of the Tiger” but I didn’t put it in my playlist. Stupid, I know.
December 15th, 2008 at 11:12 am
another kid? you might end up on a list somewhere that bans you from running or skating or moving at all in the vicinity of children.
f.B’s last blog post..the flu made me do it
So now I can’t coach youth baseball? Damn it.
December 15th, 2008 at 11:14 am
I don’t get it… So you were just running? No cops or dogs or monsters were even chasing you?
Uncle Ebenezer’s last blog post..Friday Video Fun
The way some of them were dressed, it sure felt like it.
December 15th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Utz potato chips! Never Lays!
Good job for trying on the race, though. I’m proud of you!
Whatever, I prefer Ruffles ridges.
December 15th, 2008 at 11:35 am
I’m gonna call General Tso Chicken to make you a spokeperson.
May be they can sponsor your next marathon.
noelia’s last blog post..And the Oscar goes to….
That’s a brilliant idea. Let me know if you hear back.
December 15th, 2008 at 11:48 am
It makes me want to start run again..
You should do it, it’s much more fun than you might remember…
December 15th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Ah well, you ran it. I’m going to go ahead and admit to you that I didn’t have the stamina to finish reading this list.
Lisa’s last blog post..Which is not to imply that the Coen brothers are always on my mind
If I can finish 10 kilometers in an hour, you can finish 77 sentences in 3 minutes. I’ll train you.
December 15th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
does anyone look good running other than cast members of baywatch? i mean seriously.
Good point. I just can’t believe there’s actually something I don’t look good at.
December 15th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
I like how you’re increasing your mileage in races….does that mean I will see you in Marine Corps Marathon 2009??
Maybe 2010, we’ll see. About to send you an email about future races.
December 15th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
78. I unwisely passed up a race eve training meal of crab meltaways, parmesan artichoke dip, cookies and bourbon at the home of pretty much the coolest couple ever.
Just sayin’.
That was easily my biggest regret. Thanks for the invite. I was in bed by 9pm Saturday while The Princess was out partying (making gingerbread houses).
December 15th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
When I have to pee, I can’t think of anything else. I totally feel you there.
Crissy’s last blog post..Vaseline: Perfect for Chapped Lips and Banging Your Mother
Stupid bladder, always doing whatever it wants. I should get some kind of urine bag for these situations.
December 15th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
You’re like the Bengals of jogging. Sure, you’ll lose 10 out of 11 races, tie some assholes, but eventually, you’ll score a shocking upset and make everyone cry/get fired.
Even myself.
December 15th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Pee break!? You must have drank too much hot chocolate. Also I think that laptop strapped to your arm probably slowed you down a bit. HA. I’m definitely in for the St. Patrick’s Day 8K!
Rory’s last blog post..#4 Godly Powers
Damn, I forgot that comment you made!! It should have been at the top of my list.
December 15th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I ran yesterday too - and I recognized you from your blog! I debated with myself over shouting, “Hey! Arjewtino!” But then I had nothing after that. So, cheer up. You’re a celebrity.
You wouldn’t have been the only one. If you see me at another race, come say hi. I won’t be too mean.
December 15th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Congrats on running and finishing… and thanks for reminding me of 77 reasons not to run.. altho, being female, I need to find replacement reasons for 6, 10, 12, etc.
Connie’s last blog post..Gone shoppin’
Not 54? Good.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
You lost me at “run.”
Phil (Another One)’s last blog post..Curious Phil and the Super Old House He’s Renting
Totally understandable. But I’m telling you, you do just one of these and you’re hooked. I just registered for the St. Patty’s Day 8K.
I’m addicted.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
You couldn’t feel your penis when you whipped it out to pee?
It’s forty below here. I don’t think anyone was running yesterday.
It was also, um, hard to find.
It was THAT cold.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
If this were me, I totally would’ve taken the easy way out and only wrote “7 reasons.” Kudos for eleven times my abilities…not to mention I’d never run a 10k (eh, why run if not being chased?).
MinD’s last blog post..It’s the end of the world as we know it.
My first thought was 10, one for each kilometer. Then I thought to take up my entire afternoon writing this blog post.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
I would have to be paid millions of dollars to run on purpose…the fact that you did it for no good reason astounds me.
Jossie Posie’s last blog post..So sometimes I exagerate
In fact, I paid THEM as part of my registration.
December 15th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
79. (someone already used 78, I know how to count, dammit!) Running in a race named after a Sinbad movie ensure a terrible finish. It’s what he would have wanted.
rs27’s last blog post..I Know You Want What’s On My Mind
I really should run my posts through you before I publish them. Comedy gold, my friend.
December 15th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Hard to find? They REALLY SHRINK? I thought that was just a Seinfeld joke!
Are you serious? You didn’t know that.
Like Jerry said, “Like a frightened turtle.”
December 15th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
note to self- wear spandex to distract arjewtino and beat him in the cherry blossom ten-miler.
see you there.
mb’s last blog post..Then how did you make hot pockets?
You just upped the stakes. Now I’LL be wearing spandex to distract my legions of followers.
December 15th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
There’s got to be something connecting you being a Dodgers fan, being all uppity and telling yourself you didn’t need Rocky, and the sub-par performance. Though it could be argued that having Liebchen on the team should have covered you and my ass planted on a sofa has no business saying things like “sub-par” to a guy who finished a 10K.
Sarah’s last blog post..Wouldn’t You Know It
Me? All uppity? Have you been talking to my friends again?
December 15th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
You did a 10K, I got Blackberry Thumb. Technically, it’s a Palm Centro, but Palm Thumb just sounds retarded. Either way, I’m counting it as a sports injury - extreme texting.
I don’t think I can run. I may be paralyzed but I haven’t checked.
Tori’s last blog post..Are threesomes the most overrated sex act ever?
I think you fail to understand the concept of running. You use your legs to run fast.
Or so I’ve been told.
December 15th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Did the 77-year old shit himself while running? That’s really the only thing that matters.
Maxie’s last blog post..If the world were perfect:
Probably not since he finished 15 minutes faster than me.
December 15th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
great. i’m going to hear “saved by zero” in my dreams tonight.
dmb5_libra’s last blog post..What Didn’t I Do This Weekend??
My work here is done.
December 16th, 2008 at 9:20 am
fuck the 77 year old. ill bet he was never asked to strip in vegas. congratulations buddy!
crse’s last blog post..Things I’ve Learned This Week
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