Friday, June 29th, 2007...9:01 am
How to succeed your second day at a new job
Photo credit: templetonelliot
The first workday at your new job is behind you.
Maybe your co-workers didn’t notice you. Maybe you’re well on your way to becoming the office fridge thief. Chalk day one up to co-worker jealousy of your good looks and a particularly dry atmosphere.
Now it’s your second day. If it went anything like mine did yesterday, you’re still headed down the glorious path toward promotion, salary increases, and crushing your enemies.
Here are 10 more items from Day Two:
1. Get more comfortable using the Internet for personal use. Check Gmail and read a blog or two. When clicking on Web site you thought was “safe for work”, freak out when a page pops up angrily instructing you that the particular URL is restricted by company policy. Shut down your computer and take lunch.
2. Tell your boss you want to have a meeting. Wow him with lots of questions in which you drop words like “on-boarding”, “performance work statements”, and “tracking models”. Propose completely revamping the company’s operations by creating “awesome” flow charts.
3. Go to lunch alone again. This’ll show your cliquey co-workers that you don’t need them and would rather eat a jumbo cheeseburger and read Special Topics in Calamity Physics anyway. Decide to make your plan to become their leader a top priority.
4. Fail to recognize your boss in the hallway because he’s dyed the gray out of his hair. Do a double-take at the last second, thereby guaranteeing he’s noticed the ridicule in your eyes. He’ll mistake it for awe of his power and promote you.
5. Continue to forget everyone’s names. They’ll wonder what your “deal” is.
6. Take your first work dump. This marks your territory and cements your shameless reputation as the office dumper.
7. Overhear a co-worker talk about that night’s company event at the Kennedy Center. Curse your subcontractor status.
8. Think you broke the automated coffee machine until realizing YOU’RE the Luddite you joked about being the day before. This will humble you.
9. Daydream about the new Transformers movie. Consider the existential dilemma of Optimus Prime beating Voltron at backgammon. This will help you think “outside the box”. Punch yourself for saying “outside the box”.
10. Realize this was probably a bad time to quit smoking.
12 Comments
June 29th, 2007 at 9:16 am
Stop trying to think outside the box. Inside the box is the new outside the box. It’s the state of the art in box thinking, as far as I’m concerned.
I recently got promoted (after 4 years) so I know what I’m talking about. At this rate, I’ll be running the place in less than 100 years. Feel my wrath, bitchez!!!
June 29th, 2007 at 9:30 am
Next time clog the toilet and make someone else fix it. It proves that you are looking out for the wellbeing of others, in ensuring that they are not percieved as lazy by management, since they now have something to do.
June 29th, 2007 at 9:55 am
you are so special. let’s have a smoke and a beer tonight in celebration. oh wait…
June 29th, 2007 at 10:16 am
Once you’re done with backgammon, please tell me who would win at Connect-Four: Megatron or the Go-Bots?
June 29th, 2007 at 10:36 am
Better than I-66’s suggestion, leave an “Upper Decker”.
If the toilet has no tank to leave an U-D, take a dump in a random co-workers desk drawer.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:52 am
Boy, did I pick the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
It’s nice when an Airplane! quote translates into office life.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:53 am
You didn’t get to go to the Kennedy Center last night? Huh…I swore you were on the email. ; )
June 29th, 2007 at 11:51 am
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June 29th, 2007 at 3:45 pm
Quit smoking? Are you insane? What are you doing instead? Crack? Just stick to cigarettes, man.
I hate office cliques. The big clique at my work always stands in the door of my cube and talks loudly about their lunch plans.
I’ve never been invited out.
June 29th, 2007 at 3:51 pm
That “Upper Decker” comment cracked my dump up!
June 30th, 2007 at 12:36 am
Several things:
Love the tips. As I am currently looking for employment, I will apply your wisdom as soon as I find a job
Ha! I just blogged about how I’m waiting for the Transformers movie! Great minds think alike.
Is the Calamity book any good? I’ve read mixed reviews. Now that I’m not working and not studying, I’m indulging in a ‘I will read whatever I want and not what school assigned me’ craze.
July 3rd, 2007 at 12:37 am
Is your cube the one overflowing with heart balloons? Is that your way of showing your co-workers that someone loves you, and therefore deserve their admiration?
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