Wednesday, June 13th, 2007...10:52 am
Why I’m retiring from kickball
They say no one ever really retires from kickball.
But after more than two years encompassing five seasons, it’s time for me to hang up my cleats and flip cup.
I joined kickball in spring 2005 for the thrill of competition and camaraderie. (Also, I was told, it was full of horny nerd-girls who liked to drink.) I was captain of my first WAKA team, the Bayside Tigers, a team comprised mostly of my goofy co-op neighbors who played like the same Screech who attended our moniker’s fictional school.
I led that team to an 0-10 record. That is not a typo. Oh and ten.
I joined the Kids Who Don’t Read Good in the fall and instantly liked my teammates. I stayed with the franchise as we evolved into Slow Children at Play the following year and, most recently, joined NAKID as Captain McDreamy and the Rainbow Coalition (named such, I think, because of the higher-than-normal ratio of gay guys on our team).
My kickball career has seen some amazing moments on the field, like the time in the spring of 2006 when we, an under-.500 team, beat the first-place team in the playoffs to make it to the .
There were also some great moments off the field, like the time I Evel-Knieveled across four tables and a pyramid of beer cups. Or like last fall, when paparazzi caught me drunkenly going home with the rubber chicken and sold the exclusive photo to Wonkette.
Kickball is not really a sport or an activity; it is, rather, an event — a combination of easy athleticism and heavy drinking. As those who play it can attest, kickball centers around one thing — . We talk about it in e-mails leading up to game time, sneak it past U.S. Park Police, drink it in excess at bars that look the other way, chug it to play flip cup, and rue it the next day when we’re hungover at work.
The truth is, I’m not retiring from kickball but rather the phenomenon of kickball. The general debauchery one can expect on any given kickball night — boob flashing, grinding on the “dance floor”, ass grabbing, pantsing sorry about that, Nickels), , vomiting, watching your male teammate make out with a girl AND a guy – has worn me out.
My teammates are in denial about my retirement. Who can blame them, when I, the team’s starting pitcher, put up the following pitching stats this season:
But yes, Rainbows, I’m done with kickball. It doesn’t mean I won’t still come cheer you on against our arch-nemesis Balls Deep or drink with you at the bar once or twice next season. It’s just that kickball is a kid’s game and, at nearly 32, I no longer want to keep up with you.
A teammate asked me recently what I was going to do with my Tuesday nights after retirement. That’s what I’d like to find out.
19 Comments
June 13th, 2007 at 11:09 am
you can knit with me. haha.
–fellow retiree
You essentially retired this season, though, since you showed up to, what, two games?
June 13th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
Let’s start our own Tuesday Night Music Club. You can play harmonica or cowbell - your choice.
I’m bummed I didn’t get to see you in Kickball action.
Yeah, my short shorts, knee-high socks, and tie-dye shirts will be missed.
June 13th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Once again, I learn something new about American culture. 13 years in this country, yet I’d never heard of kickball.
What to do with your Tuesday nights? Well, if the rubber chicken has found a mate, you and the Princess could institute couple’s bowling night and compete against them.
It could prove awkward, though, since the memory of what happened that drunk, hazy night with the rubber chicken might cause tension.
Besides, I don’t think rubber chickens are good bowlers. I know that’s an ugly stereotype, but it’s true.
June 13th, 2007 at 12:47 pm
I’ve won a softball championship and a flag football championship. We’ve made it to the semifinals in kickball 4 seasons in a row. I want to retire so bad but I refuse until I complete the pretend sport championship trifecta.
That’s actually a very good reason to keep playing. But what about the Grand Slam of softball, flag football, kickball, and flip cup?
June 13th, 2007 at 12:48 pm
Was the chicken intoxicated, as well?
Of course not. He was driving.
June 13th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
Tie-dye? I’m not sure I know you anymore. -cough-
Hey! I’m bringing a homie to the HH. Or rather, I believe she’s meeting me up there. I thought I’d let you know how awesome I am in case you weren’t aware already.
No freakin’ way was the tie-dye my idea; on the plus side, though, it definitely garnered us a lot of attention.
Everyone knows how awesome you are, Gen.
June 13th, 2007 at 1:26 pm
ok your history of the team is a bit off. You joined us when we were Slow Children at Play (Fall ‘05) then we went back to being Kids Who Can’t Read Good (Spring ‘ 06) then came the CMRC era.
I can’t believe you didn’t even do a table jump for me to end your retirement. Perhaps at your retirement party?!?
In any case, you are going to be missed! Who’s going to teach me how to hug now?
You’re right, Jo Jo, I got the timeline confused. Yet another reason why I’m too old to play.
You have become a world-class hugger since you took my intensive, three-day course, congratulations.
June 13th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
So at this retirement party, are you getting a golden shower, I mean parachute?
Coming from the golden shower expert.
June 13th, 2007 at 1:37 pm
I went to 3 games…get it right. My only “achievement” in kickball was to attain a dorky (or as joanne always says “ewwww…he wears knee socks wit flipflops!”)boyfriend from it.
That’s a pretty good “achievement” and J’s a good guy, so well done.
But since I missed two of the three games you allegedly attended, I only saw you once. Maybe in the playoffs?
June 13th, 2007 at 2:04 pm
Even though I just met you I feel we have been friends for many years. Your pitching skills will be missed but I think people will really miss your part in the scandalous events that take place. Who is going to egg us on to pull up our shirt or dance on the bar. Besides we would all like to see the long term effects of kickball on a thirty year old man. Anyway I am sure that I can speak for everyone on the team that you will always have a place on the team when you want to come back after discovering that Tuesday nights watching re-runs is just no fun.
Thanks, CL, that’s very sweet. Don’t forget me dousing everyone with water and beer.
I should be a case study on the long-term effects of kickball. I’ll let you know how it goes.
June 13th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
oh im soo glad your giving this up!!!
kickball…is one of the freaky DC things that i will never understand.. why would you want ANYTHING to be between you and your drinking…(hours of pretending to be athletic..just so you can justify going to a bar??)
come over here…to the dark side…..
drink with the adults…
put away the cheap beer… we will make you a few vodka tonics… and you can see for yourself how much fun Tues nights can be!!
xoxo
If I wasn’t so sure about retiring, I’d be impressed with your Emperor-like powers of suggestion. But you’re right, I’m ready to sit at the big kids’ table.
June 13th, 2007 at 3:12 pm
I’m also announcing my retirement from playing tag at recess, “War” with my grandmammy, and wearing velcro sneakers ’cause now I can tie my own!!!!!
Don’t forget four-square and bullying kids with glasses. Oh wait, no, you still do that.
June 13th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
It is disappointing that you will be leaving us, but I understand. I just want to know who is going to be our pitching enforcer?
You’ll have to come out to the bar and cheer us on every once in awhile, and for god’s sake cross the river for a party or two!! It won’t kill you.
Oh, but you’re wrong mi capitan. It will kill me. It’s Vir-fucking-ginia! They hate Jews and banned sodomy until the U.S. Supreme Court overturned the law in 2002. Duh.
I’ll miss you, too, and will definitely come out once in a while.
June 13th, 2007 at 4:00 pm
You will be missed.
Thanks, buddy.
June 13th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
Wow, you are getting old! You forgot to mention all of the fun we had stealing trophies, championship belts, and team mascots from the other winning teams!
At least you leave behind a legacy of pilfering. Who else can say that?!?
You’re three or four years older than me; at least we’re retiring together.
Yes, the high-level theft of other team’s symbols of success ranks up there in my memories.
June 13th, 2007 at 5:06 pm
*coughcough* What are you going to do on Tuesday nights? Maybe hang out with the BEST GIRLFRIEND ever?? Just a suggestion.
Your IP address betrays you, babe.
You’re going to get so sick of me you’ll be begging me to pull a Roger Clemens and play again.
June 14th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Oh Ivan, you will be greatly missed. I have to admit, I can’t quite conceive of giving up the madness that is Tuesday night, but I can relate that doing it every week gets to be a bit wearing… I do enjoy the summer time and the month off from being a complete weekday alcoholic…
As for being at the big kids table, that is something I don’t think I ever really want to be at… Yeah, I own a condo, car, have a good job, but the idea of growing up completely and becoming my Dad scares the beejeezus out of me… clinging onto kickball for a little bit longer, its something i have to hold on to… but, i am only 29, so its not like I am an old man like you
take care toots, you will be missed!
You’ve still got some time to keep playing in the sun, Nickels. Soak it all in.
June 15th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
I have about one more season left in me (there are only so many more random girls I can make out with), and then you, Big Poppa C-Lo and me can go and live here:
http://www.apartmentlinks.net/apartments/IN-Warsaw-Retired-Tigers-Apartments-28089.html
Do we have to invite T, R, and A?
June 15th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
If only to reminisce about how awkwardly our friendship began.
Deal.
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