Tuesday, April 10th, 2007...10:23 am
What this Jew did for Passover
Passover, also known as “Pesach” in Hebrew, or “The Jewish Easter” by some of my goy friends, finishes tonight. It is an eight-day celebration that includes never-ending stories at dinner and eating cardboard. Passover is kind of a big deal to my Chosen Peeps, and aside from Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah, is the most guilt-inducing important holiday of the year.
Passover, to me, always meant one thing: family. So in years when I don’t see them, I tend not to celebrate it or attend any seders. Also, remembering all of Passover’s rituals is harder than memorizing the Periodic Table of Elements, so I usually lack the motivation.
This year, though, I decided to celebrate Passover in the most special way I could think of that would honor my people and venerate tradition: by celebrating Easter.
I flew to St. Joseph, Missouri, with The Princess this weekend under the pretense of surprising her dad on his 60th birthday, but really I wanted to Jew it up in the Midwest on the day Jeebus pulled off a Houdini and hightailed it to Heaven.
Since this would be my first Easter, and since I would be representing the whole of Judaism in a town that is roughly 100% Christian, I planned accordingly.
I started by meeting up with a fellow Jew, Foxymoron. If there is one thing Jews are good at, the stereotype goes, is making money. I resent that generalization because it is steeped in anti-Semitism and hatred. But it is also true. So Foxymoron and I sat on the Metro platform and conjured up some cash, as all Jews are capable of doing.
My next step in celebrating Easter was to eat lots of marshmallow Peeps. My friend H informed me that the company that makes them is Jewish, which is ironic since they’re made specifically to eat on the day Jeebus saved us all.
“I want me some dreidel peeps. Or Star of David peeps,” she wrote me. Don’t we all, H, don’t we all?
When I got to St. Jo, Easter weekend was in full swing. I decided to assimilate by helping hide the Easter eggs. Soon, The Princess’ ginormous family came over for supper. Children ate chocolate bunnies and found nearly all the eggs.
I had gone shopping earlier for matzo at the local Hy-Vee, which, for those of you not from the Midwest, is like Giant only not dirty. To my surprise, they carried matzo. When I inspected closer, though, it had these words printed in the corner: NOT FOR PASSOVER.
What? Unkoshered matzo? What the cock was that shit?
“Oh well,” I said. “No one will know the difference.”
I was right. After the Christians were nearly all Eastered out, I hid the non-Passover matzo and explained to everyone that the kids had to search for it and that whomever found it could then ask adults for money. They tore apart The Princess’ parents’ house looking for something they had never seen.
When one of the kids found it, I gave her a dollar. I told her she could eat it, too, to which she replied, “Is it chocolate?”
“No, it’s unleavened bread.”
As I watched that little girl drop the matzo on the floor in disgust, I couldn’t help but think of how proud I was that I could Jewify someone’s Easter. I had succeeded where Moses had failed.
It was a Passover/Easter miracle.
20 Comments
April 10th, 2007 at 10:47 am
This year, I put on my very first seder. It was pretty badass except that no one wanted to do the jewy part. “I do the praying so I can eat. We ate, so we don’t have to pray anymore, right?” Right. 2 weeks of cooking and no spiritual fulfillment. Such is life.
A few things I learned this Pesach: 1) fried matzah is only tasty because it has to be, not because it is. 2) I might want to reconsider before starting a sentence with, “so about this whole ‘Jesus is risen’ thing…”
I do think I get Jew points for bringing matzah to a bar. It was what I drew my strength from to beat the pants off of all you goyim! Hecks yeah!
That matzo was perfect, by which I mean perfectly unflavored and full of great memories. Thank you for bring it. Next time, though, something with flavor, like garlic!
April 10th, 2007 at 10:50 am
Oy carumba…
that photo with the money is awesome though…
One of those awesomely serendipitous photos you can’t plan. Great stuff.
April 10th, 2007 at 11:00 am
Can you guys Jew it up and conjure some money on my SmartTrip card? or better yet, my Mastercard?
Might not want to mess with black magic too much; but don’t worry, I’ve got $6 million coming my way, remember? I’ll help you out when I get the first check.
April 10th, 2007 at 11:30 am
i had matzo covered in butter and dipped in chocolate with walnuts on top.
and don’t you know… jesus didn’t high-tail it to heaven immediately, he came to the united states and started the mormon church. get your facts straight. garsh.
and didn’t anyone ever tell you not to sit on the floor in the subway. you could catch something. nasty.
Mandy, you should oversee my life more often, this is all great advice. I thought the Mormons were made out of clay by Joseph Smith.
P.S. Don’t be offended, Smash.
April 10th, 2007 at 11:44 am
Seriously. I want peeps. I hope there are still some left at the store today — and majorly discounted. though really I’ll take any easter candy, or candy canes, after the holiday when they are 1/2 off or more.
I got my first Easter basket this weekend, full of peeps and chocolate bunnies!
I still think you should contact the Peeps peeps about making Jewish-themed products.
April 10th, 2007 at 11:56 am
Matzo with cream cheese is actually quite yummy.
Otherwise known as my mom’s breakfast during Passover.
April 10th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
I think that little girl captured the spirit of Pesach beautifully.
Matzo is only good in pizza form. Though, Jo is correct that cream cheese will cover up the cardboard taste in a pinch.
My favorite part about Passover? Those fruit jelly slices from Manischewitz. They don’t beat a Cadbury Cream Egg, but what does?
That’s also the problem, the Christians have WAY better Easter food than we have Passover food. Damn them.
April 10th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
i haven’t celebrated easter since i started college (i don’t celebrate if i’m not with my family either) but my mom still mails me an easter basket, candy, & present. freshman year she even sent me easter eggs and suggested i hide them around our suite/dorm.
In my opinion, the Easter egg hunt was way too easy. Those little rascals found the eggs faster than I expected. I did a better job hiding the matzo and it took them 15 minutes to find it.
April 10th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
So did you at least get to wear the yamaha?
No, you know I prefer wearing a Harley.
April 10th, 2007 at 2:09 pm
i had seder this year with 2 irish catholics and a nepali dude. it didn’t feel that authentic.
i miss my old jewish boyfriends - their moms always had the best seders. even if the moms find a way to remind me at least 3 times before desert that i was not a FULL tribeswoman. i still loved them and their smothering ways. sigh…. gentile boys and their mothers are such a disappointment.
do you have any brothers?
I would love to have a multi-cultural seder like that. Imagine their faces when I told them we’d have to sit by the food, unable to eat for two hours while we retold stories from Exodus.
April 10th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
You can conjure up cash at will?!
Goddammit! I knew it!
All rednecks can do is conjure ham biscuits at will. Clearly, my people have been cheated.
Ham biscuits are like Jewish kryptonite! I can’t conjure up even a thought in their presence.
April 10th, 2007 at 3:46 pm
I celebrated pesachhhhh in the usual fashion — big meal with the fam after declaring “they tried to kill us, they failed, let’s eat!”. Oh and that metro photo is downright awesome.
Hey… how come your peeps have boobies?
You know, I’ve heard that maxim, but I can’t remember where. It’s probably just really popular and I’m really slow.
I didn’t even notice the Peep boobs, you perv.
April 10th, 2007 at 5:08 pm
This was hilarious!!!
I work in a Catholic school board and every year our family of schools has a Seder dinner to celebrate Passover. I didn’t go this year … I went last year though! But that was because it was held in my school. It was pretty cool and pretty traditional. Glad you had a good time!
A traditional seder for the goyim is like going to Mardi Gras: fun the first time, but you don’t really have to do it again.
April 10th, 2007 at 7:42 pm
Hammer, this is the second ham biscuit-related comment you’ve left in the blogosphere today. You’re on notice pal.
If you ever want to restructure your blog, Hammer, and rename it, I think Ham Biscuits is the consensus pick.
April 10th, 2007 at 8:46 pm
Not to hijack this post, but I apparently read too many blogs, as I was scratching my head after Hammer’s post and saying to myself “I could have sworn that someone else in the DC blogosphere brought up ham biscuits today.”
You know you read too much of the Internets when you’ve read at least twice about ham biscuits.
April 10th, 2007 at 9:16 pm
What you gon’ do with all that ham?
All that ham inside that biscuit?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my ham biscuit.
My ham, my ham,
My lovely lady ham.
I await with bated breath for the parody of the parody.
April 11th, 2007 at 8:02 am
You know, you’d get mad crazy Jew Points to add to your Jew-Point-Leader-Board if you had a big multicultural seder like that. We Jews are supposed to invite “strangers” (meaning the not-so-much Jews) to seders to tell them the story of Exodus. So as to not let it happen again…ya know, the slavery and whatnot.
P.S. I wasn’t kidding about los “brackets” para el “tournament” del ping de pong. Let’s get on that.
Let’s plan a seder for Purim and tell the Unchosen People it’s customary to bring their blood in a bowl as dipping sauce. They’ll believe anything!
April 11th, 2007 at 8:19 am
Oh boy, what an Easter Sunday I had!
Woke up after a heavy night of boozing at the Lucky Bar. The details of the evening are a bit hazy, and the next thing I know it’s Easter morning with serious intestinal crampage. Usual Sunday fare I think (after a Saturday night like that one).
When I hit the bathroom, I give birth to three little plastic eggs! With candy inside them!
Easter miracle I say!
That was close to a Purim celebration.
April 11th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
That was truly hilarious!
Thanks Lisa.
April 12th, 2007 at 12:06 am
Passover never really happend everybody knows it’s a myth Jews made up to make the world feel sorry for them….. duh….
hold up what?
Without us, you wouldn’t have your Easter.
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