Tuesday, April 17th, 2007...9:12 am
The rope that wears thin*
When I was 18, I went out “cruising” with some friends on Halloween night. Cruising is what kids in LA do when they have a car, little money, and less imagination.
We drove by Lucky Supermarkets and spotted a lone employee in the parking lot collecting shopping carts. As we drove by, my friend threw an egg that smacked him square between the eyes. I turned to look, and the guy had the same expression as Kenneth when Dr. McDreamy threw shit at his house in Can’t Buy Me Love.
Though I didn’t throw the egg and chastised my friend for doing so, I feel guilty about that moment every time I think about the poor kid’s face. I put myself in his shoes and imagine working on Halloween night at a crappy job, dragging those carts around, only to get splattered by a flying egg as a car full of obnoxious fuckwads speeds off, laughing at my humiliation.
But why does this guilt last?
I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life of which I’m ashamed. But this small, perhaps trivial moment, seems to stand out from most of the others. If this were a movie, I’d probably die but find myself wallowing in Purgatory until I was able to make amends with the guy. If it were Greek mythology, I’d be Sisyphus, carrying my burdensome memory up the proverbial hill.
My friend Cagey has a similar story about stealing a rock from an old lady’s rock collection when she was younger.
“I used to deliver the newspaper to her house every Sunday and would always be tempted to touch the black shiny rocks she had lined up on her porch,” Cagey told me recently. “One Sunday, I couldn’t resist and instead of just touching it, I quickly took one and shoved it in my pocket.
“I always imagined her crying over her missing rock, but never had the courage to return it. Silly thing to feel guilty over, but it still eats me up inside.”
I suppose it’s empathy that causes us such deep emotions over these “silly things”. We feel what our victims felt, we remember their pain, we understand their hurt. This, in turn, is the source of our anguish.
*The title is a reference to Ayn Rand, who said, “Guilt is a rope that wears thin.”
15 Comments
April 17th, 2007 at 9:30 am
This is a GREAT post, AJT. If not for the content, then for copping Ayn Rand (a personal fav) for your title…but I wonder if you’ve ever read the Myth of Sisyphus? Ruined that analogy for me.
However, if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll toss an egg at you.
The egg-tossing might equate to some subjective amount of penance, but probably not much. No, haven’t read the Myth of Sisyphus, but now I’m intrigued.
April 17th, 2007 at 10:23 am
I’m still beating myself up over participating in the ritual tormenting of a co-worker at my first job. It was a bunch of stupid little things, and he seemed to take them all pretty much in stride, but the whole situation haunts me. Probably because I know if I were the one being tormented by the “cool” kids, I would’ve grinned as it happened, likely crying myself to sleep at night all the while. I imagine he wasn’t really as thrilled with our behavior as he pretended he was.
Nice post.
Becoming a person you despise is a good way to test the strength of your conscience. Thanks for sharing.
April 17th, 2007 at 10:49 am
I think we all have a bit of that guilt in our hearts. Back where I grew up, there’s the habit of playing with water during the carnavales (you know, the 4 days of debauchery in the Christian calendar that precede 40 days of supposed abstinence). One day, my neighbors and I soaked to the bone a lady who was walking to work all dressed up. She looked so sad and angry. I think one day I will pay for that.
Wow, that would definitely stay with me. I don’t believe in karma, but I do believe in odds, and yours might be coming.
April 17th, 2007 at 10:51 am
There are very few things I feel guilty about. 2 things I said to people. I didn’t know what I was saying, didn’t understand the consequences of my words, but in my mind that doesn’t excuse the pain they caused. Since then, I’ve tried to avoid doing anything that would hurt anyone. I’m sure I have inadvertently, but I guess I learned the strength of my words and actions at age 7.
That’s what’s haunting, don’t you think? That something from so long ago, and that probably had less impact than we realize, still upsets us.
April 17th, 2007 at 10:51 am
Great post by the way.
April 17th, 2007 at 10:58 am
how about when you kicked a guy who was taking a piss and his junk touched the urinal and he had to wash his business off in the sink at The Journal in the middle of the afternoon?
FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THAT?
Ha!! No, don’t feel guilty about that one… it was way too funny and your reaction was priceless.
And I didn’t kick you, I pushed you.
April 17th, 2007 at 11:05 am
I once went around with some of the “bad kids” in the neighborhood randomly destroying and vandalizing things. I have no idea why I thought that would be fun, but in the midst of spray painting on some guys house the garage door opened and a man came sprinting out after us. We started running but I was a few years younger than everyone else so they easily outpaced me. I was trying as hard as I could to outrun the guy and use my best Barry Sanders moves to shake him but eventually he caught up to me. I was running up a random driveway, he grabbed the back of my shirt but momentum carried me into the side of the car in the driveway and he went flying over the hood, tearing my shirt in the process. After that I was able to get away. I have no idea what happened to that guy, he certainly could’ve broken a bone or injured himself in some other way launching himself over that car. I definitely realized at that moment how stupid and pointless it was to do what we were doing and I definitely still feel guilty about that and what may or may have happened to that guy.
How did you explain a torn shirt to your mom when you got home? Is it possible to go back there, if you remember the house, and find out what happened to the guy? I’d be itching to know.
April 17th, 2007 at 11:28 am
I was once out on a right bender one night just south of Adelaide with some mates and we started in on each other’s mums. Little did I know that one of the guys mothers had just passed a week ago. While it wasn’t intentionally meant to harm, I’ve always felt guilty about how that made him feel. Words can be so damaging, sometimes more so than physical damage or intentional bodily harm.
That’s alright he got me back. About 3.5 seconds after I said that he hit me so hard, I don’t remember anything that happened until the next morning.
I woke up in bed and promptly gave birth to three perfectly formed plastic eggs. Each contained two small wrapped hard candies…imagine that?
Ok, this comment has me cracking up so much I can’t even devise a comeback. Well done, Platypus.
April 17th, 2007 at 11:49 am
I turned to look, and the guy had the same expression as Kenneth when Dr. McDreamy threw shit at his house in Can’t Buy Me Love.
Omggggg I love that movie!
Live and learn man. Don’t dwell on the past.
Empathy is a very important quality that a lot of people seem to lack these days. Glad to see someone still has a bit of that.
It must be some emotional vestige handed down throguh evolution. Sometimes, I wish I had less of it.
April 17th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
I once told a kid on the playground to go push another kid, and he did. The kid who was pushed subsequently lost a couple of teeth and had to go to the hospital. Thank God we were all only five, otherwise I definately would have been blamed .
Today I feel guilty about it, of course, but there’s also a sense of power there too. I’m pretty sure that I had a grudge against the kid who lost the teeth.
True story…
I didn’t know Boca fans had souls. This is educational.
April 17th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
I have a particularly sharp sense of shame and/or guilt for “bad” things I’ve done– even when those things haven’t been, on a scale of all the bad things one could do, all that bad. Should I blame being raised Catholic? Being a people-pleaser? Whatever it is, I have certain moments like the one you described, and I replay them in my head far too much. I hope that it causes me to be a nicer person and not just a jerk who feels guilty all the time.
That’s pretty much how I feel about certain behavior in my past: it replays like an old film reel and I can visually see in my mind’s eye some of the pain I’ve caused.
April 17th, 2007 at 4:24 pm
Once I start thinking about things to feel guilty about, I can’t stop. One time in 4th grade, we had a substitute teacher. Somebody put a tack in her chair and then somebody else blamed it on the slowest kid in the class. I didn’t place the blame, but I sure didn’t stand up for the kid, either. Good lord, I can still remember the kid’s face (but not his name…Mark?). Sheesh, that’s even worse when I put it in print…
You can’t expect at nine years old to be able to stand up to 20 kids and defend the one kid they all pick on. It’s easy to say that, yes, now you know you’d do the right thing, but at that age the burden on your conscience is too much. Doesn’t make it feel any better, though, right?
April 17th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
great post. I think we all have those experiences though. They’re what shape us into the people we become. Well, if we’re lucky they do, and even luckier it changes us for the better.
Well said. This must have made me an awesome person, then.
April 17th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
Growing up I was that kid who got splattered with egg metaphorically speaking. This phase didn’t last very long (ok well for the entirety of elementary school but highschool got better) so I kinda know what it feels like to be the person who got picked on for no good reason. I guess in a way it’s a good thing that it happened (?) because I’m not afraid to speak my mind on behalf of someone else (who I may not even know) if a friend of mine pokes fun at them that can border demeaning and I find that I play the defender a lot when it comes to sticking up to other people. I guess I do this because I never really had that and I’d hate for someone to feel like they are not good enough because someone else decided it’d be fun to make them feel like shit for awhile until they got bored with it.
Great post by the way.
Thanks, Airam, it’s good to feel that strength as we get older, isn’t it?
April 18th, 2007 at 3:55 am
Ayn Rand was a very troubled woman, who created a very dangerous cult!.
FC
That’s one way to look at it.
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