Oct
15
So many footprints to offset on Blog Action Day
Filed Under (Blog Action Day) by Arjewtino on 15-10-2007

This is the year where everyone learned the term “carbon footprint”. Don’t pretend like you knew the expression in 2006, we all know you’re lying.

More specifically, this is the year we all learned how to “offset” our by recycling more, driving less, and masturbating with the lights off for a change.

But is taking responsibility for our individual impact on the global environment the only way to reduce dangerous emissions? Vanity Fair recently devised a way for each of us to offset the “asshole footprint” we leave on the planet, but I think that is only the beginning.

In honor of — for which I promised to write a post — here are six other “footprints” I believe we should offset to make this world a better place:


DC footprint

Do you talk about the housing market at parties? Do you ask people what they do for a living while drinking Rolling Rocks? Do you complain about the lack of dating options in the city? Do you thumb your nose at people who don’t have a Masters degree? Do you know at least one rower?

3-step plan to offset your footprint:
1. Move.
2. Seriously, get the fuck out of my city.
3. Why are you still here?


(LNS)-behavior footprint

Are you waking up too hungover to even consider puking? Did you drink so much the night before you drunk-texted everyone you know? Do you spend Monday mornings writing on your friends’ Facebook walls on Monday morning about how tanked you’re going to get this Friday? Do you call Adams Morgan Ad-Mo? Do you use terms like “turbo” unironically? Do people hate you?

3-step plan to offset your footprint:
1. Stop hanging out in Georgetown.
2. Put down the bottle.
3. Don’t promote flip cup as a sport.


GOP footprint

Are you a hypocrite? Do you wrap yourself around the American flag and call it patriotism? Do you espouse morality and tolerance while hating anyone different from you? Do you wipe your ass with the Bill of Rights and call liberals traitors to their country?

3-step plan to offset your footprint:
1. Vote Democrat in every election regardless of the candidate.
2. Stop using the word “liberal” like it’s a slur.
3. Adopt a wider stance.


Procreation footprint

Do you have kids? Do they wear Heelys? Do they lack such discipline that they punch people in the balls on the Metro? Did you name any of them Timmy?

3-step plan to offset your footprint:
1. Always wear a condom.
2. Stop having sex.
3. Listen to Bob Barker.


Blogging footprint

Do you have a blog? Do you whine about your problems/neighbors/phone service/boyfriend/DMV/Metro? Have you lost all contact with the outside world? When people ask you how you’re doing, do you tell them to just read your blog?

3-step plan to offset your footprint:
1. Don’t use the Internet for a month.
2. Stop discussing your Sitemeter stats; no one cares.
3. Go outside.


Argentine footprint

Do you think of your arrogance as a virtue? Do you think you’re better than Guatemalans? Do you hate the Brazil/German/England soccer teams? Do you speak Spanish correctly? When you walk down the street in a lightning storm, do you assume God’s taking your picture?

3-step plan to offset your footprint:
1. Stop eating meat.
2. Become ugly.
3. Lose the arrogance.

If you want to promote Blog Action Day, click .

Janet has written a short list of “Really Small Things I Do To Help the Planet”.

Also, to find out how many planets we’d need if everyone lived like you, go here. Here are my results:

eco-quiz.JPG

Thanks, :

express1.JPG

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Comments

on 15 October, 2007 at 10:16 am #

Haha! Great humor!


janet on 15 October, 2007 at 10:46 am #

Brilliant! I especially second the GOP footprint, and the LNS one, but all of them are quite funny.

So, are you now going to “become ugly”?

I didn’t say I would offset my Argentine footprint, that would be impossible.


on 15 October, 2007 at 11:14 am #

Now you can say “Hey ladies, my footprint’s a 14 (purposefully leaving out the ‘carbon’). You know what they say about people with footprints that big…”

Foolproof. Even for you.

I’m pretty sure I’d find a way to fuck that up, too.


jess on 15 October, 2007 at 11:21 am #

the metro balls-punching incident still makes me giggle until i get teary-eyed….
these are ridiculous funny.

That incident made me teary-eyed, too, but for different reasons.


on 15 October, 2007 at 12:02 pm #

Excellent! Well said.

But, just so you know (and I’m in the same boat here) the Argentine Spanish is not the correct Spanish. I hate to admit it but, officially, Peruvians actually speak the most “correct” Spanish in Latin America.

Nope, wrong again. WE speak the best/most correct/greatest sounding Spanish in the world.

Who do you think speaks the worst Spanish?


on 15 October, 2007 at 12:05 pm #

Funny funny funny stuff! I didn’t stop laughing the whole time I was reading this, until I found out you personally need another 2 .2 planets. Now I’m sad. Because, I mean, you’ll need a storage unit, or at least more closet space.

And a U-Haul, and you know what a pain it is to rent those things.

Thanks, buddy.


on 15 October, 2007 at 12:08 pm #

By the way, “assume God’s taking your picture” is perhaps the funniest thing I’ve read all year.

It’s an old Argentine joke that I think translates better the more you know about mi gente.


on 15 October, 2007 at 1:29 pm #

My carbon footprint, according to this quiz, is 23 acres. Apparently 5.3 earths are required to contain me. I find this hard to believe considering I am homeless and don’t have a car. I must eat a lot of steak.

Mine was surprisingly low considering I never recycle cows anymore.


on 15 October, 2007 at 2:38 pm #

Puerto Ricans and Salvadorans are tied in my book.

Culito will be so hurt.

For me, it’s the Spaniards themselves who make our language sound so unsophisticated.


on 15 October, 2007 at 3:01 pm #

I think the Spanish speak it worse. What the hell is vosotros sois?


freckledk on 15 October, 2007 at 3:01 pm #

Who would ever name their kid Timmy? That’s just a guarantee of assholery.

And I speak the worst Spanish….except for the dirty stuff. That bit I’m fluent in.


on 15 October, 2007 at 4:45 pm #

I DID know the phrase in 2006! Along with “ecosystem services” and “nonpoint source water pollution.” All thanks to getting a J.D. in an environmental law program!

What do I do now? Nothing even remotely related to environmental law, much less anything rewarding.


on 15 October, 2007 at 7:08 pm #

Forget soccer right now. I just hate the English rugby team.


on 15 October, 2007 at 10:00 pm #

“When you walk down the street in a lightning storm, do you assume God’s taking your picture?”

Haha, thanks for making me literally laugh out loud. I had forgotten about that joke…!


on 17 October, 2007 at 12:38 pm #

“Do you talk about the housing market at parties?” — That’s so 2004…


on 23 October, 2007 at 3:43 pm #

This was hilarious.

One dollar’s worth hilarious?


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