Tuesday, November 20th, 2007...10:46 am
My mustache is going to get me killed: A Movember Update
There was a moment last week when I thought to myself, “I’m starting to like my mustache. Maybe I’ll keep it even after Movember ends.”
Then a flock of pigeons tried to kill me.
I was walking back to work from lunch, stroking the ends of my ‘stache like a man who had just tied a beautiful woman to the train tracks, imagining in my mind’s eye how awesome it looked to everyone around me.
Having my hand up near my mouth must have made a group of pigeons think I was eating something. Or maybe they’re just really stupid. Because in that one moment, hundreds of these sky rats descended on my face.
It was like a scene out of The Birds. Pigeons on my right, pigeons on my left. Pigeons clamoring at my feet, pigeons on my shoulder. You’d think I was Ace Fucking Ventura: Pigeon Detective the way they all gravitated toward me in unison.
In my bewildered state, I looked straight ahead and saw one of the ugliest gutter birds I have ever seen take off and fly directly at my eyes. It all seemed to happen in slow motion. We made eye contact. He accelerated. And I could have sworn I heard him say, “I’m going to eat that caterpillar resting on your upper lip”.
I dodged his flight path at the last minute and started to walk faster to the safety of my office building. Since I wasn’t playing a real-life version of Duck Hunt, I couldn’t do much more than politely nudge them out of the way with my foot, which is a nice way of saying I kicked them. “You are mistaken!” I yelled as passers-by stopped to stare and laugh at my avian plight. “I do NOT have any food!”
These pigeons were undeterred, following me all the way to my building while I flapped my arms and lurched violently to scare them off.
It never occurred to me when I started Movember that a gaggle of pigeons would someday try to kill me. I knew I would encounter some teasing from friends and alienation from The Princess, but not an all-out air assault on my face.
Still, I am ready to shave this monstrous thing. And I think everyone around me is, too.
While meeting my friend Chinese Buffet Pussy for lunch the other day, she took one look at me and started to laugh. And she couldn’t stop. I managed to squeeze a question in between her howls of amusement.
“Do I look like Zorro yet?” I asked her.
“You look like something.”
I look like something. That might be the understatement of the month. Because looking like this has not been easy. Especially this past week, when every glance at the mirror is followed by an automatic face cringe. The Princess can’t kiss me without covering my face’s veritable chyron with her hands and looking only at my eyes.
Ten days, that’s all I have left with this hairy mistake. If you feel sorry for my condition, please click HERE to donate. All monies go to the Prostate Cancer Foundation to fight ass cancer. Any amount is appreciated, but remember, $10 gets you an open bar at our end-of-the-month Movember party.
And now for the real reason you skipped slogged through my blog post: Photos!
“No, INPY, I do not want to buy insurance from you.”
Cagey could not keep her hands off my face
MJ: “Your ’stache scares me.”
: “There’s some candy in my van, kids.”
28 Comments
November 20th, 2007 at 11:18 am
Once, a flock of seagulls chased me. And I ran, I ran so far away. I just ran, I ran all night and day.
I couldnt get away.
I never thought I’d meet a girl like you. Meet a girl like you. With auburn hair and tawny eyes.
November 20th, 2007 at 11:18 am
Your caption for Shiftless Badger is dead on.
And I still think the scruff under your lip is cheating (rules or no rules!). If everyone else looks awful, so should you.
Believe me, I look awful enough.
I stole SB’s line from his own blog. Because it made me laugh. And I was feeling lazy.
November 20th, 2007 at 11:22 am
I’ll say it again, this shit only happens to you. You have a weird magnet or something.
Oh and a-train’s comment made me giggle.
Between being attacked by pigeons and accidentally eating someone else’s Cosi cookie, you’re right. I am a magnet for crazy shit.
November 20th, 2007 at 11:30 am
You look like the kind of guy who works at a store where your feet stick to the ground.
I don’t even know what that means but it’s funny.
November 20th, 2007 at 11:30 am
I think the pigeons just wanted to nest.
On my face?
November 20th, 2007 at 11:34 am
I’m a little disappointed at the mustache growth - I thought you were more hirsute than that.
The lower lip scruff may not technically be cheating, but it reduces how ridiculous you could ideally look (like INPY, for example). I do feel a little cheated, but I also hate ass cancer, so I won’t demand a refund.
Most people think I’m hairier than I really am. I think it’s the Jew in me. But really, I don’t have much hair.
At least I’m not a hairless freak like my friend Los. Come on, Los, you know you are.
November 20th, 2007 at 11:57 am
Yes. On your face.
November 20th, 2007 at 11:58 am
I believe Lemmonex was referring to the type of place that has private booths in the back and a guy with a mop.
You would know.
November 20th, 2007 at 12:00 pm
i don’t like the face you are pulling in pictures, with the moustache. you look constantly surprised, on the way to being pissed off.
the pigeon attack is punishment for the soul patch cheating. the pigeons always know.
Maybe you’re right. But you’re probably not.
November 20th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
Good cause or not: Worst. Idea. EVER.
I can’t get this thing off my face fast enough.
I know. November 30th is looming like some distant cock tease.
November 20th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Funny how the Princess doesn’t seem to want any photographic proof of her dating you with that ’stache….
I know, the batteries mysteriously ran out on the camera before we were able to take any more photos. On her camera. Hmmm…
November 20th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
Is there a charity for locks-of-taches.. like locks-of-love… only for guys who can’t grow mustaches?
You should start one. And you can take contributions from women upset with their Movember boyfriends and who have decided to grow out their leg hair for the month.
November 20th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
Arj, repeat after me: my name is Indigo Montoya…
…you killed my father; prepare to die.
That’s not a bad ’stache idol. We were discussing this over the weekend. Maybe I’ll write a post about it.
November 20th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
im only now figuring out that every time you say SB..you dont mean me..
xoxo
If I were, that would be a God-awful photo of you.
November 20th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
i was going to say maybe the pigeons just wanted your cookie… but jo alluded first.
maybe they were just happy to see you.
But it would have been their cookie right?
November 20th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
I will not be at all surprised if ‘Stache Idol is the next Simon Fuller reality special. Judge panel: Burt Reynolds, Sam Eliot and Tom Skerrit.
And special guest judge Wilford Brimley. This is brilliant.
November 20th, 2007 at 2:25 pm
omg hilarious.
(Also, I feel like you should have to shave the chin hair thing you have going on. (Under-lip hair?) Anyone else agree?)
EVERYONE, it seems, agrees.
November 20th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
I also feel the little flavor-saver at the bottom is a cop-out. Moustache only, Arjewtino. You have too much symmetry, making your facial hair less embarrassing than your cohorts’.
So this little “contest” comes down to how much of an ass I look like? If I don’t look enough of an ass, it’s considered cheating? This logic is way too flawed for me to even begin considering everyone’s common request.
November 20th, 2007 at 4:28 pm
…looks like a horizontal brazilian wax gone wrong….
I resent that remark only because of the Brazilian reference.
November 20th, 2007 at 4:40 pm
I don’t think I can properly express my hatred of birds. A bird has made an attempt on my life several times, now I’m always prepared for a bird attack, those f’ers aren’t sneaking up on me again.
They have you just where they want you.
November 20th, 2007 at 4:45 pm
Maybe it’s because I come from an era where facial hair on men was cool, but…
I think y’all are cute.
(Ducking…)
No need to duck, we all thank you.
November 20th, 2007 at 5:08 pm
UPDATE: I just got attacked again by a group of pigeons while taking my lunch break. They must have read this blog post.
November 20th, 2007 at 6:29 pm
Thanks for the best laugh I’ve had all day!
November 20th, 2007 at 6:42 pm
forget it. shaving the stache won’t work. the pigeons in this city are rabid. they’ll find something else to attack. they go after the tuft of pubes i have hanging out over the top of my rockstar jeans.
November 20th, 2007 at 10:30 pm
Very funny stuff.
November 20th, 2007 at 10:39 pm
I think you really look handsome. You are exaggerating a little, I don’t see such a “huge” difference. Growing your hair (head hair) is a different story, I am all for it…Surprise?
Love you for ever, like you for always…Mami
November 21st, 2007 at 12:27 pm
Strangely enough, I actually see the Zoro resemblance. In the next set of pictures make sure to wear a black mask and hat…or at least photoshop one in.
November 21st, 2007 at 9:47 pm
Oh my. Erm… Well… Gee… I’m glad it’s for a good cause… (That’s the correct response, right?)
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