Wednesday, November 14th, 2007...10:52 am
Life, the Universe, and Yahoo! Answers
In the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy “trilogy”, protagonist Arthur Dent learns that the Ultimate Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything is, succinctly, this:
42.
Of course, knowing the answer precludes him from ever knowing the Ultimate Question.
This philosophical paradox was what was going through my head recently while perusing my own Deep Thoughts about , a community-driven knowledge site that allows anyone – and I mean anyone – to ask and answer questions that run the gamut of human curiosity.
Why are we here? Does God exist? Why do we drive on a parkway but park on a driveway?
These are the great questions of life. But Yahoo! Answers is a world full of “people” seeking their own strangely prioritized answers to a laundry list of interminable questions. These people look to strangers to answer their deepest inquiries, which is not much different than spending 7 1/2 million years computing the Ultimate Answer.
Some of these Yahoo! members’ questions are legitimate queries of objective measure, such as:
What can I do to increase my breast milk production?
Others come from ambitious seekers of subjective information that transcends human thought, such as:
How many years away are we from being able to colonize another planet?
But my favorite questions are the ones you would never dare ask your friends. The ones you’re almost embarrassed to even think about. So you posit these questions in the safest way possible — online.
Here are eight of my favorite recent questions asked on Yahoo! Answers, along with my unpublished replies:
I have had a penis for 32 years and I’m not sure I have ever “worn” it. Though when I reached puberty, like most boys, I suppose I did wonder about which way it should hang or why I could only hit the toilet 40% of the time in the morning. All these questions seemed to sort themselves out as I aged and the one thing I am the most thankful for was that MY MOM DIDN’T ASK THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ABOUT IT.
As a grotesquely giant English boy, you have no need to worry about waiting much longer for your voice to break. I would worry, however, about your “man bits” that “have sticked”. You have socialized medicine across the pond, go to a urologist who specializes in sticking man bits.
I think you need to speak English to first be excluded by Spanish people who want to gossip about you. Still, I understand your concern, which is why whenever I get my hair cut at my primarily Latino hair salon in Silver Spring, I pretend not to speak Spanish so I can catch them talking about me. Know how many times I’ve caught them? Zero.
We’re busy tomorrow, check in with us on Friday. Next week, at the earliest.
The Princess, who is a middle school teacher, already has had a 14-year-old student who was pregnant when she was 12. It didn’t work out well. Get her a Cabbage Patch Doll.
Dictatorphiles like you are rare. So are real-sounding names like Joey Stalin.
I’m not a woman. I also rarely ask women about their periods. But I’m pretty sure they don’t “go off” like an alarm clock. I could be wrong, though. But don’t put it in the Lord’s hands, I bet he doesn’t know much more about them than I do.
I wish I could help you with this one, but my girlfriend is perfect. She told me so. But I think you’re on to something in asking whether the measures of true love can compensate for the complications incurred by the deterioration of daily life. That was your question, right?
If anyone has any further answers to these poor souls, these wisdom-seekers, these erudite dreamers of life, search them out and help them.
I know I will.
19 Comments
November 14th, 2007 at 11:25 am
Times I’ve spoken only English in the presence of Spanish speakers specifically to catch them talking about me: 1
Times I’ve caught them talking about me: 1
Times I flew instantly into Spanish to spite them: 1
Percentage of awesomeness I reached as a result: 100
You’ll have to tell me the story sometime.
November 14th, 2007 at 11:48 am
The number of grammatical mistakes in these questions leads me to think that only a certain kind of person would pose Q’s like that on the internet….. perhaps if they had some education they might not need to ask such Q’s! then again, those are probably the same people who think the internet is a legitimate source for academic research and turn in papers to me with comparable grammar and spelling mistakes. sigh.
Is this the “evil” H you were referring to?
November 14th, 2007 at 11:53 am
I liken it to being in an airport. All of a sudden, you are surrounded by a cross-section of America, and it is quite frightening and depressing.
The difference is - if you need to fly, you have to go to an airport. Yahoo! Answers is a completely avoidable…if that’s your bag, then so be it…
I liken it more to the DMV. You don’t have to go that often, but when you do, it’s pretty scary.
November 14th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
Here’s my question - what is the combined intelligence quotient of the people who post on Yahoo answers? And why are all their keyboards devoid of punctuation?
You should pose that question to Yahoo! Answers and see what kind of replies you get.
November 14th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
i couldn’t get past the sticking man bits… which shouldn’t surprise you…
Yeah, I think I re-read that question a dozen times and each time it made me laugh. And knowing you, no, I’m not surprised.
November 14th, 2007 at 12:51 pm
I am oddly touched that the mom in question 1 is worried her son will suffer from “erection problems”.
“Touched” is really, really, really not the right word for this.
November 14th, 2007 at 12:54 pm
I couldn’t get past the fact that a 15 year old kid would ask his mom how to “wear” his penis.
That was definitely my favorite line. And then she had the gall to say this is serious.
November 14th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
i had to ask yahoo answers for the multiplicative inverse of negative 2 …no shit…
xoxo
What did people reply with?
November 14th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
That kid should ask this guy how to wear his junk (first on the left):
http://moonbeammcqueen.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/journey.jpg
I just vomited a little. How about a heads up next time?
Ugh, I have to gouge out my eyes now.
November 14th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
Damn. This is almost as much fun as reading the search queries that drive people to my web site. With entertainment like this, who cares that the writers are on strike?
I know, between these questions, my Netflix friends’ comments, and Google search queries, these blog posts write themselves.
November 14th, 2007 at 3:33 pm
Two things:
First: the Princess is a middle school teacher? She’s not only a Princess, she’s a saint. At that age kids can be handful.
Second: I agree with I-66, it is awesome to answer back at people talking about you in Spanish, like the time one of my great friends here in NY -who is Argentinian but of Asian parents- did. She told me how in the subway she heard these two Hispanic ladies talking about her and criticizing her and saying something like “los chinos siempre son así”. She got up to leave and in her perfect Argentine accent told the one talking: “Señora, debería cuidarse cuando habla en público. Le pueden entender. Y yo no soy china, soy argentina”
That sounds similar to the story of a friend, who is a darker-skinned Latina, who caught two white women in line at the supermarket talking about her in English and calling her a housekeeper. Your friend is awesome for standing up for herself like that. I would do it, too, but I’d also be too worried about syntax.
November 14th, 2007 at 7:25 pm
No, but seriously. I can’t get over the dumb fuck in the first post. What do you mean “wear” your penis? It’s not a ponytail, we don’t have dick scrunchies.
And when she means up, does she mean he actually pulls his dick up to be between his boxer shorts/jeans/briefs’ waistband and his stomach? Because that is freakishly weird. Almost as weird as asking strangers about it AND expecting them not to make fun of you.
November 14th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
I wish I could help with that last one, but I have no fucking idea what she said. He?
In other news, reading these questions makes me wonder why none of us has won a Pulitzer yet. Me can make good sentence.
November 15th, 2007 at 1:53 am
Even the guy who sang “Detachable Penis” seemed to know how to wear his.
November 15th, 2007 at 8:37 am
King Missile! 1993!
What a great song. Da Vinci’s Cradle also had a great song with a chorus that started off as “I take a look at my enormous penis…”
I’m surprised no one has made a ricockulous reference yet.
November 15th, 2007 at 10:41 am
I must say that I used to be a major Yahoo Answers junkie.
Not asking questions, mind you. Answering them. People ask the same questions over and over again.
“Could I be pregnant from having sex?” is one of my all times favorites. Very simple and obvious, yet so many people ask it.
November 15th, 2007 at 11:02 am
The obvious answer to the ‘wearing his penis’ question is ‘in a box’. Also, that mom should be careful talking to her son about that. Some lady in Wisconsin just got in trouble for having “an explicit discussion” with her sons about sex.
http://www.wiscnews.com/pdr/news/255942
November 15th, 2007 at 11:19 am
This is funny. I have only been to Yahoo! Answers once or twice, but I see it’s a world of comedy waiting to be uncovered
November 20th, 2007 at 2:11 am
Funny - I used this analogy for a post about requesting a lover’s ‘number’ which I’m adamantly against. Fun book, regardless.
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