Thursday, April 12th, 2007...9:00 am
It’s not the tourists we have to worry about, it’s their kids
Photo credit: matt p
We see them every spring and summer, walking around aimlessly, wearing fanny packs and holding Metro maps, clogging up our escalators and showing that familiar fear in their eyes.
As residents of the 202, 301, and (I guess) the 703, we xenophobically dread this time of year when we’ll have to share space with these foreign aliens. But, as it turns out, it’s not the tourists themselves we have to worry about. It’s their kids.
I was standing on the Red Line yesterday evening, reading the newly issued Onion newspaper, when I spotted one of “them”. A tourist mom and her little boy were riding the train and breathing the same air as me, an 8-year resident.
I tried to ignore them, as the DC Chamber of Commerce advises us every year, but I couldn’t avoid them. The boy drew attention as he ADD-ishly started to swing his arms around like a helicopter and jump around.
“Timmy,” his mom said pathetically. “Sit down, please.”
“I just want to read the map,” this miniature snot-nosed punk replied.
But as he walked past me to get a better look at our Metro system, still imitating a rotating airfoil, he cemented his role as “DC’s Greatest Plague” since the cicadas:
He smacked me in the balls.
Oh god, I thought, the pain. Don’t flinch, don’t grab your precious testicles. Just act…like nothing…is wrong.
“Sorry sir,” the spawn’s former host said. “Timmy, say you’re sorry.”
Timmy, you little shit face, do you have any idea what this pain is like? Have you lived long enough to understand the brutal anguish that comes from even flicking such a tender spot? Of course not. Kids who are named Timmy by their parents don’t care about anyone but Timmy.
“That’s ok,” I replied, committed to not revealing this bodily torture. But it wasn’t ok, and one day, Timmy, you’ll know that.
I’m already looking forward to Labor Day.
32 Comments
April 12th, 2007 at 9:22 am
This should be posted next to the Metro Maps with a not stating “WE ARE NOT ALL AS FORGIVING AS THIS MAN”.
I wish I could be mean to little kids, I really do.
April 12th, 2007 at 9:28 am
Stand to the right. Walk to the left. Arms at your sides.
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.
April 12th, 2007 at 9:35 am
I guess, 703?!?! Show some respect. We have better bars than 301. That’s all I’m sayin’.
Then why do you bridge-and-tunnel crowd go to the 202 every weekend?
April 12th, 2007 at 9:43 am
I have to say that I laughed hysterically when I got to the part where his airplane impression took a couple of unfortunate prisoners. Which of course means that karma will pay me back by sic-ing one of these little fuckers on me or my bag or something.
Jo - don’t be frontin’ on 301 bars!! Just b/c you can smoke in the 703!
Actually, I don’t really go to 301 bars, either, it’s all about the 202.
They’re out there, Carrie, beware.
April 12th, 2007 at 10:02 am
I have lived here all my life and I have a little girl. I always keep her under control and she has never racked anyone.
I think common courtesy goes out the window when families vacation it’s as if they take a vacation from their senses. WTF!?!?
Maybe we should require an agreement for these people to sign before they enter DC. They could hand them out on the plane before landing like the customs form. Inform them we will hurt them if they disrupt our lives or rack Arjewtino.
I know you’re a good mother, Red, but do you think half the reason mini Red is so well behaved is because she’s a little girl? Little boys are fucking terrors; I should know, I used to be one. At least girls can stay calm and not flail around like some Black Hawk.
April 12th, 2007 at 10:16 am
One day you’ll have a little Timmy and your revenge.
Yeah, but on who? I don’t want my little boy (who will NOT be named Timmy) to smack the family jewels of the innocents. Sarcastic and obnoxious? Yes. Physically violent? No.
April 12th, 2007 at 10:30 am
I had the same thing happen to me…I was riding the the Green Line and a little girl came careening down the aisle and head-butted me right in the boyos….when I got home I had severe intestinal cramping…I sat on the toilet for hours and final birthed three plastic easter eggs, with candy inside each one.
It was worth the pain, they were Lindt chocolates.
Those Swiss sure know how to impregnate DC commuters.
April 12th, 2007 at 11:05 am
I just loooove that the little prick is named Timmy. Made my day.
It probably wouldn’t have been so bad if he was named Wallace. Actually, that’d be pretty cool.
April 12th, 2007 at 11:40 am
Oy carumba!
Mazel tov.
April 12th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
You should have grabbed your balls and dramatically cried out in pain, all the while convulsing violently. In the future, Timmy would be much more careful where he flew that chopper and all tourists viewing the event would probably never ride the metro again. Problem solved.
Believe me, that wouldn’t have taken much acting to pull off. Fucking Timmy.
April 12th, 2007 at 12:33 pm
Since in most cases it is unacceptable to beat a child who is not your own, I would have smacked the mother. Hard. And with a closed fist. And I don’t even have balls.
I would have but my innards felt like they were being strangled. I wouldn’t have been able to lift a finger.
April 12th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said, “Fucking Timmy!” I’d be a wealthy woman indeed.
We’d be able to combine our assets (my $6 million) and invest in jock straps.
April 12th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
i knew i was no longer a tourist in dc the day i yelled “right” at tourists on the metro escalator. it was a pretty significant moment in my life thus far.
i comment to people on the metro who get too close to me. especially tourists.
At least no one’s ever struck you in the uterus.
April 12th, 2007 at 1:16 pm
Awful for you but very funny post. You could’ve snarled “fucking tourists!” - that way Timmy would have a new phrase to take to school.
The Princess told me I should have yelled at him so I could have given them a Big City story to tell back home.
April 12th, 2007 at 1:37 pm
Hahahaha.
I’m sorry. I need to stop laughing at your plight.
I think you should’ve smacked him right back.
You “guess” the 703? Bitch, please. I’ve (sadly) lived here my entire life (except for a brief stint in SLC back in 02) and….. I have no point to that, actually. Just that the 703 has as much cred as the 202 & 301. Don’t forget the 571. It’s not just for cell phones anymore.
“the 703 has as much cred as the 202 & 301″? Now you owe ME a beer.
April 12th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
[…] Itâ��s not the tourists we have to worry about, i… […]
April 12th, 2007 at 8:07 pm
Argh!!!! The tourists!!!! (gritting teeth)
maybe i’m mean but i laugh a little inside when the whole swiss family robinson with bags, cameras, sun hats runs up the escalator, jumps on the metro, breathes a sigh of relief, the doors shut and mom suddenly emerges from the top of the escalator on the other side of the door.
Then there’s the other side of that coin, when they run onto a Metro train and STOP right in front, seemingly in awe of the inside of the train car.
April 12th, 2007 at 9:51 pm
You should have tripped him.
I was concentrating too much on keeping my “Argh!” in my mouth.
April 13th, 2007 at 12:11 am
Classic! You can at least take solice in the fact that pathetic weak mother + boy named Timmy = abusive father at home. They’re getting theirs.
Hadn’t thought of that. I assumed the father was back in the hotel room buying porn.
April 13th, 2007 at 12:31 am
Sorry you don’t like sharing your space with “foreign aliens.” Ahem. Koff. (Trying to hide Australian accent right about now.)
Hope your nads are feeling better.
My nads are resilient. As all men can tell you, by my age they’ve put up with enough errant baseballs, desk drawers, and angry girlfriends to be able to bounce back from Helicopter Boy.
April 13th, 2007 at 7:47 am
Long time reader, first time poster. I’m a huge fan. But as a writer, I have to declare this…
As residents of the 202, 301, and (I guess) the 703, we xenophobically dread this time of year when we’ll have to share space with these foreign aliens.
…possibly the worst sentence you’ve ever written.
That is all.
I’ve seen your writing, “first time poster”, and I’m sure I can outsentence you eight out of ten times any day.
P.S. How’s the Holiday Inn?
April 13th, 2007 at 7:52 am
Haha why do I owe you a beer? Don’t even get me started on how much more awesome VA is than MD. Pffft! ;P
You owe me a beer for actually thinking that the 703 is cool. You NOW owe me five reasons why the 703 is better than the 202/301.
April 13th, 2007 at 10:38 am
I have actually scolded someone else’s kid in public. He was going in circles in one of those rotating door things and I said, sharply, with his mother in earshot, “Watch out, kid! Damn!” He stopped dead in his tracks and looked up at me, jaw dangling. His petrified look was enough to make my night. Then my friend turned to me and said “I think you scared the kid.”
I hope I made him piss his pants.
April 13th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
You can’t lump MD & DC together!
I’ll buy you the beer but just because I’m nice like that. I’m far too busy at work to give you my 5 reasons as to why VA is a million times better than MD at the moment. I’ll get back to you later on that. (can my list be longer than 5? ’cause you know it will be.)
April 13th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
That “first-time poster” was a total dick. You should kick his ass. A Holiday Inn? What kind of chickenshit federal agency sends employees to such a dump?
Not my agency, Argy. Not my agency.
April 13th, 2007 at 9:00 pm
Ok why are we bickering about 703 vs. 301?? We all know that good things happen in the 202.
And by ‘good things’ I mean the occasional stabbings and hookers.
April 15th, 2007 at 11:00 pm
Other ‘good things’, getting punched in the face by a homeless woman at the Farragut West platform at prime happy hour time. I hope it was as good for her as it was for me.
April 16th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
why can’t you be mean to little kids? do you have some kind of criminal record?
i’m mean to little kids all the time when they are misbehaving. i sneer at them, stick my tongue out at them, swear at them (e.g. “get the hell out of my way, kid!”). i think i’m doing a public service by being mean to them. half the time when the kids are being annoying it’s because they think they are being cute and funny for the nice strangers. you can see how they’ll do something like the arm twirling and then look around to see who is giving them that “aw, isn’t that adorable” look they must be used to getting. if they were more afraid of strangers they’d be better behaved, and safer too. so i help teach them to be afraid of strangers. public service.
I like your public service system, I wish I could be meaner to them. I envision myself giving them lectures on why they shouldn’t misbehave.
April 18th, 2007 at 6:49 pm
how long have you lived in the DC/metro area?? i’m not sure if you have earned rights to make fun of tourists
and yes 571 counts biznatches
More than 8 years, well above the average tour of duty for most residents passing through. Believe me, I qualify.
April 19th, 2007 at 8:03 am
Oh man. You’ve got more self control than I do. Some little undisciplined heathen walks by and casually racks me and the *least* I would do would throw a string of expletives at “the one who lacketh basic parenting skills.”
I don’t have the same catchphrase as you. What would I say? “Don’t mess with DC Metro”?
May 2nd, 2007 at 10:32 am
[…] Heelys and my subsequent envy. Seems like some like-minded person felt strongly enough about these Fucking Timmy-like creatures to send in this postcard to PostSecret. I hope I’m the one who inspired him so […]
September 6th, 2007 at 7:15 am
[…] the girl. Blonde. Whiny. Tiffany. Tourist kids are the worst.”DAD, Why does mom get the seat?!?!?!” I looked up. I was trapped. Mom […]
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