Tuesday, August 28th, 2007...10:07 am
I’m going to be a millionaire in 43 years if this doesn’t work out
Monster has calculated that at my current rate of income and savings I won’t make my first million dollars until I’m 75 years old.
Little do they know my cunning financial planning has already started.
Some of you may remember the e-mail I received back in January from a bank manager in Burkina Faso who wanted to give me . Others may recall the time I won 1 million Euro two months later in the “Lottoria Spanish”.
Intelligent investments take longer than most people think so I’m not worried that the promises of riches have yet to come through. A less gifted financier would “panic” or “not send money to strangers”. You know what I call those people? Losers. They just don’t have my pecuniary aptitude.
Yes, I know, I still haven’t collected a dime despite these people’s assurances. But just when a less wily investor would lose hope or think he was swindled, I have been approached — again! — by yet another stranger who has recognized my fiscal talents and promised to make me millions in undeserved money!
A woman named Hajia Mariam (how could you make up a name like that?) wants to cut me in on 20% of her late husband’s deposit of $12.6 million to a security firm — a cool $2.52 million. She is the widow of General Abacha, the “former head of state of Nigeria” who died in June 1998. Here is a copy of the e-mail she sent me.
Click to enlarge.
Some readers may think I’m a sucker for even considering this offer. Some readers might say it’s just some 419 scam. What these readers don’t know is that Mariam is as honest a woman of a corrupt President as there is! Everyone should trust an African widow who’s seeking her dead crook of a husband’s millions. It’s just common sense.
Still, I’m not an idiot. I did some research. For myself and as a virtual public service announcement for my blog readers. I compared the assurances she made in her e-mail to what some cynics would call “facts” to arrive at my conclusion. Here are my findings:
As you can see, Mariam is an honest gal who’s just down in the dumps and needs me right now. After all, one man’s “obvious e-mail scam” is another man’s “long-awaited payday”.
And when my Burkina Faso and Spain deals go through, I’ll be looking at a cool $10 million. Forty-three years earlier than Monster predicted.
13 Comments
August 28th, 2007 at 10:36 am
I know I’m going to sound mean, but couldn’t resist the joke here…
In Brazil we have a saying that if you want to get rich you have to “buy an Argentinean for what he’s worth, and sell him for what he thinks he’s worth”
Now that’s how I’M going to make my first million!
I had never heard of that saying. I like it, actually.
August 28th, 2007 at 11:01 am
Yeah. I call myself I-395 on a regular basis. It’s not my fault. The traffic is just as bad.
August 28th, 2007 at 11:19 am
Hehe. I like Beach Bum’s comment.
I knew you would.
August 28th, 2007 at 11:25 am
This is just what I needed to read for giggles this morning…
Always here to help.
August 28th, 2007 at 1:08 pm
So does the Monster millionaire maker take into account inflation? Cause at 75 years old that million will be worth, say $200. I think you are wise to continue pursuing your get rich quick schemes and not leaving anything to chance.
That’s a really good point, it probably doesn’t. You’re right, in 43 years, a million could be my grandson’s weekly allowance.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
AJT’s grandson…that’s the blogger I wanna read.
“Today my grandfather tried to tell me AGAIN about how great the Dodgers were before they went back to NY…”
If they ever moved to Brooklyn I’d be conflicted because then they’d be closer.
August 29th, 2007 at 12:26 am
I think it would be a very bad idea for me to do this survey whilst still on the salary of a graduate student. Definitely could be completely demoralising…
It was demoralizing for me and I thought I was doing ok. I can’t imagine how it would work for you.
August 29th, 2007 at 8:29 am
pecuniary aptitude that’s a rather big phrase for you!
i know a girl named “mariam”. she’s probably the cutest person i have ever met. every time i’m around her my palms get sweaty and i mumble incoherently.
anyways, point being you can spell the name any way you’d like as long as it sounds like it in the end.
i hope you sent her lots and lots of money. the poor woman needs YOUR help. only YOU can help her, arjew.
I was saying pecuniary aptitude when you were in diapers.
August 29th, 2007 at 10:25 am
Spelling one’s name wrong…. how silly!
August 29th, 2007 at 11:09 am
Is for the better reasons the savings of the money by putting into the sock? My name? Oh friend of mine- your genereosity and bounty across the oceans! Send only to me the $2000 and the beer will run like blood in my country.
Love,
General Shfrtless Badger
P.S. Spelling not codified until 1755 by Dr Samuel Johnson, but in my country is still 1754! Spel for fun!
You’re drunk, aren’t you? Ah, to be unemployed and free!
August 29th, 2007 at 12:20 pm
If I called you beloved would go give me twenty bucks?
I would give you twenty cents.
August 29th, 2007 at 4:13 pm
Your “findings?”
You made that whole chart with your findings?
Don’t you have anything else to do?
No. No, I don’t.
September 11th, 2007 at 5:37 am
Oh wait. Yes, I have. I’m sorry, but I just don’t have it in me right now to type it all out again. Besides, it was just ramblings anyway. You didn’t want to hear me go on and on about this, right?
Leave a Reply