Wednesday, September 5th, 2007...10:01 am
If you’re going to swim in the Potomac, leave your underwear on
Hikers scale boulders at Great Falls
The Princess and I spent Labor Day communing with motherfuckin’ nature and hiking through Greats Falls. Because my friends like to be mentioned on my blog, I’ll tell you we went with (in order of longest I’ve known them) B-Fab, Dr. Vargas DDS, Cagey, and Average Jane.
There are a lot of people in DC who have never heard of Great Falls. I don’t know how you live here and not know about this place. I’d call you a certain name implying mental retardation, but The Princess doesn’t like that word, so I’ll just call you a rucking fetard.
Great Falls is a national park site popular with kayakers, hikers, and tourists with teenagers who whine about walking in their flip flops. And since I hate jogging or lifting weights but love feeling like a grizzly bear, we went to the Maryland side of the Falls on Monday.
About a third of the way through the first leg of the Billy Goat trail, I spotted a path that led down to the Potomac. I led my troop through bushes and found a beach clearing, where we saw four underwear-clad people had swam across to the Virginia side.
I suggested everyone strip and jump in the water. The girls were happy just dipping their toes in the tadpole-infested water. But I, infused with the heart of an insane Orca, undressed to my underwear.
I took off my clothes as The Princess whistled and cat-called. I jumped in the river. It felt amazingly refreshing and warm and reminded me of swimming in Lago Atitlán in Guatemala.
The Princess warned me about the deceptive dangers of river currents, having grown up in the Midwest and seeing first-hand the power of the mighty Missouri River. I scoffed and stubbornly started to swim hard to the other side, a distance I estimated at about 17 miles.
Why do I jump into bacteria-infested waters? I cannon-balled into the C&O Canal in Georgetown several years ago when I lost a one-sided bet to Tits McGee. It took three showers to get the stink off. It must be a sick desire to conquer the elements. Or just a sickness.
I landed on the rocks of Virginia panting and gasping for breath. I looked back to Maryland and saw my friends yelling for me to come back. I rested for a few minutes, then jumped off a rock and started back toward the Old Line State.
Shit, I realized after a few seconds, this current is tougher than it looks. The Nation’s River pushed me downstream as I fought to stay on a straight line to shore. Great, I’m going to drown in my fucking underwear, I thought.
I flipped over and swam on my back, kicking the waters with my feet. After a few seconds, I looked up and saw that I was swimming in place like a stranded buoy.
When do men summon their strength in times of need? When women are watching.
I turned on to my stomach and beat down on the waves with my arms, pushing myself against the devouring current and slashing through the river as fast as I could. I landed on a mossy Maryland boulder unable to breathe yet proud I survived the mammoth waters.
“Is your skin bubbling today?” AJ asked me yesterday over e-mail. “Did you have diarrhea last night?”
No, I told her, adding: “Maybe instead of infecting me, the river gave me superhuman strength, much like the radioactive spider gave Peter Parker his powers. Maybe I’m now a superhero.”
Yes, a superhero. You may call me Potomac Man.
25 Comments
September 5th, 2007 at 10:20 am
I admit it, I chuckled at Potomac Man.
And I’m surprised at your language, young man. You’re cursing much more than usual there. Are you trying to up your rating from PG-13 to R or something?
I’m actually striving for the fucking elusive NC-17 rating.
September 5th, 2007 at 10:59 am
I think I speak for Jo when I ask for more porn to help with that ratings change.
One of the funniest wise things I’ve ever read: “Where do men summon their strength in times of need? When women are watching.”
It’s true, I tell you, though I think it’s grammatically incorrect, or, as my friend used to say, ungrammatically correct.
September 5th, 2007 at 11:09 am
Congratulations on making it back alive. The Potomac is especially yucky these days because we haven’t had much rain. Thanks, though, for providing eye candy. Watching hot, dumb guys swimming naked in the river is usually the highlight of my visits to Great Falls. If you’re as cute as the last Arjewtinian I knew, I’m sorry I missed your adventure. But still, did you not see the signs saying that 7 people per year drown in the Potomac?
I didn’t see them this time, but I HAVE seen them in the past. I laugh maniacally at such dangers.
September 5th, 2007 at 11:28 am
When I was 16ish, we would go to Great Falls at night to drink, smoke, and whatnot. Good times.
The Potomac has taken many, many lives, and is known for having such a treacherous current. I don’t know that you realize how fortunate you are to have made it out alive. The Princess should spank you for being so careless - though I think that might prove to be an incentive, rather than a deterrent.
She gave me the look she’s been mastering at school: the teacher look. It can freeze a charging rhino in its tracks.
September 5th, 2007 at 11:32 am
I think “River Boy” is a much better option for your superhero persona.
Now, watching those scantily clad men jumping into the potomac was like porn to me. But for some reason when you jumped in, all I kept thinking was… “Run for the border, Amigo! And never look back!”
Now, watching you work the bbq… that, my friend, is porn to me.
You didn’t just think it, you yelled it. I just forgot to mention it in my post.
September 5th, 2007 at 11:35 am
“drink, smoke, and whatnot”
What exactly constitutes “whatnot”? Arjew is looking for the NC-17 rating.
They should make higher ratings.
September 5th, 2007 at 11:42 am
Potomac Man, Potomac Man
Swimming the river like no other man can
Is he an Argie or is he a jew?
Does he eat chorizo and Gefilte fish too?
Nobody knows.
Potomac Man.
You are a mad genius! This is going to be stuck in my head all week. And I’ll be singing it Friday night.
September 5th, 2007 at 11:44 am
Whatnot = prayer. There were many oh-my-gods and jesussss christs being tossed about, and some occasional kneeling was involved.
Just kidding. I was a relatively chaste 16 year old. The makeouts were minor. Then, it was more about stolen beer and the lack of adult supervision.
September 5th, 2007 at 11:44 am
There’s a giant water intake for the DC water authority right around Great Falls. Boy would that have sucked if you had gotten pulled in. I mean for the rest of us: talk about a funny tasting water!
You would have been drinking Arjewtino for weeks.
Man, that sounds gross just typing it out.
September 5th, 2007 at 11:52 am
how is it that I have talked on the phone with Average Jane and been on email with you, but not heard about this? Giving up the last pool day of the summer might have been worth seeing this.
There were too many spiders in the water, you would have hated it.
September 5th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
I love Great Falls for climbing, but I’ve never taken a dip in the water. I fear you’re all fine now but some bit of you is going to start festering in the days to come.
Maybe I’ll develop a third eye like the fish in The Simpsons. That would be cool.
September 5th, 2007 at 1:28 pm
Were there jobs picking strawberries on the other side? Next time, ask me. For $10,000, I’ll sneak you and your whole village into the trunk of my Honda and we’ll drive to maryland.
September 5th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
i scandalized one of those boulders the hikers are walking on. i’m not telling which.
the driving home in wet underwear had to have sucked.
Nope. I had a secret, second layer of underwear on for support.
September 5th, 2007 at 1:34 pm
That was grammatically incorrigible. Yankees suck.
September 5th, 2007 at 3:00 pm
I’m just grateful you didn’t post that other picture from your Georgetown plunge. You know what I’m talking about! That was soooo cooked in wrong sauce!
Then why did you ask for a life-sized, framed print?
September 5th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
A third eye? That’s best case:
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2007/01/070122-sex-change.html
Potomac Man may end up Girly Man before long…
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
I may end up in a Catholic school girl outfit on Friday after all.
September 5th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
to blind the rabid possum that’s been skulking around our neighborhood.
That would do it.
September 5th, 2007 at 5:53 pm
I read a book when I was in the 4th grade or so about a kid who drowned in the Missouri River and I’ve been scared of big rivers ever since. I’m glad you made it back alive…paying rent by myself would really suck!
September 5th, 2007 at 8:32 pm
Rucking Fetard! HA!
Excellent story. You suicidal adventure types keep us chickenshit types feeling vaguely uncool, yet very safe, at times… And it’s true. The Potomac river and underwear go together like ketamine and curry sauce. …..what?
September 5th, 2007 at 10:13 pm
oh my. that is a few too many notches of bad ass for me to handle!
September 6th, 2007 at 8:26 am
Well aren’t you just bad ass being featured in the Blog Log in the Express this morning…
Yeah, “bad ass” pretty much describes me in a nutshell.
September 6th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
hmm…
I too was at Great Falls on Monday. My friends were rock climbing and I hiked around. I wonder if you were one of the crazy people we saw swimming in the water.
September 6th, 2007 at 9:36 pm
Hey! I was there 2 weeks ago!
Despite being hot, I begrudgingly obeyed the signs. Glad I know why they’re there now, lest I succumb next time (I am a poor swimmer).
Now climbing rock walls that weren’t really meant to be climbed on the trail? That’s a different story!
September 6th, 2007 at 9:57 pm
Lots of fun things in the water…
September 7th, 2007 at 4:33 pm
You should try swimming in Lake Geneva or the Mediterranean Sea instead. The water is much cleaner
and I bet there are a lot more people staring over there, too. Esp. if you tried to swim to the other side.
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