Monday, November 5th, 2007...10:59 am

How to win (or steal) New Yorker cartoon contests

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My best friend Blue called me last Friday to tell me he submitted an entry into the New Yorker’s “Cartoon Caption Contest”. He referred me to this page, where the Eustace Tilley-bannered magazine showcases its weekly, captionless cartoon online and asks readers to submit witty, if not often illogical, captions.

Blue said he had thought of two captions but submitted only one, which he considered the funnier entry.

“Tell me the less funny one, the one you didn’t submit,” I asked him while looking at the cartoon online (which I have recreated here as if the caption has won):

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I laughed immediately, amused by the unexpected imagery of a Mr. Potato Head casually referring not to the premise that he is an anthropomorphic and empathetic Playskool toy in a bar, but only to his large size. I started to explain to Blue why his caption was funny but he interrupted me.

“Yeah, I know why it’s funny, I wrote it.”

Dick.

“Ok, tell me the one you actually submitted,” I said, expecting something even better.

“That spud’s for you.”

Silence.

“You see,” he added, “you have to imagine that the guy is telling Mr. Potato Head that the beer is a Bud and that…”

“Blue”, I said, “if you have to explain it, it’s not funny. Besides, it’s a pun. Puns are the lowest level of humor.”

Having already made his submission, Blue was chafed at realizing he could not submit more than one caption per contest per The New Yorker’s rules. I understood his dilemma and offered the appropriate degree of condolences.

And then I stole it.

“I’m submitting the ‘I’m all ears’ one under my name,” I told him.

“But I wrote it,” he pleaded as my fingers started typing the pilfered entry.

“Then you should have submitted it. I’m taking it.”

With friends like me, who needs plagiarists?

P.S. This post is dedicated to Blue, who consistently tells me I don’t blog about anything “meaningful”.

UPDATE:

Here are some additional captions that we came up with last night while drinking a Heineken keg (thanks to Kraut and J-Vo for reminding me):

“Nice hat.”

“…and then to top it all off I got sacked!”

“Your eyes are all f*cked up, dude.”

“Can you please slide that beer closer? My pathetic little t-rex arms can’t reach that far.”

“Well, your problems are no small potatoes.”

“You think he’s coming back?”

“Why are you wearing mittens?”

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19 Comments

  • god I love the New Yorker.

    Unfortunately, I’m not clever enough to come up with captions to these contests. But - I think I’ll steal your idea and steal someone else’s idea. Or something like that…

    That’s very meta of you…go for it!

  • Yeah, “I’m all ears” is 10 times better than “That spud’s for you.”

    Not even close.

    On another note, that is the worst cartoon rendering of Mr. Potato Head I’ve ever seen.

    The drawing of him is so mesmerizing that it could practically hypnotize you with its awfulness.

  • “I’m on the Atkins diet.”

    That’s pretty good. You better submit it before someone steals it.

  • the ‘all ears’ is much more new yorker-ish funny. and stealing is a form of flattery. right? :)

    That is EXACTLY what I said yesterday to some friends while we discussed possible entries.

  • “Okay, but just one. Beer goes straight to my hips…”

  • We just got a New Yorker subscription and my significant other insists on making me come up with captions for the contest. I’ll say, “Eh, I don’t want to do it now,” and he’ll stand there insisting, “Comahhnnn, at least try to be funny,” until I offer a few options. God how I hate that contest.

    I actually thought of you when I considered friends who might enter this contest. Comahhnnnn, come up with one for this one.

  • Excellent thievery, Arjewtino. Let us know if you win!

    Believe me, I will.

  • Oh and, how about:
    “Well I’d always suspected. And then I came home one day and saw the Iowa Russett sticker next to the bed. I’m an Idaho Gold Larry, an Idaho Gold.”

    That sounds more like something McSweeney’s would publish.

  • I love “ears,” “coming back,” and “hat.”

    All are classics.

    But I’m surprised there wasn’t one that made some sort of reference to vodka or cannibalism. Come on, everyone knows the New Yorker has a shitty, shitty sense of humor….make it happen!

  • To be completely obnoxious, what about

    “This is what my Jewish cousin looks like.”

    Too soon?

    “I never get any ass when I wear these lips.”

    This is actually harder than it looks. Who knew Mr. Potato Head wasn’t that funny? The New Yorker, that’s who!

    I like the “Jewish cousin” one, definitely not too soon.

    It is harder than it looks. I’m looking at this week’s entry and I can’t come up with anything decent.

  • “You think he’s coming back?”

    hahahhahahhaha brilliant

    you know how in DC they had those stupid panda bear statues all around? well, in Rhode Island they had all different HUGE Mr. Potato Heads (Hasbro HQ is in Rhody, holler!). so the thought of a ginormous Mr. Potato Head isn’t really that outrageous

    but don’t go booking a flight to Providence just yet, they’re gone now.

    I was in Providence last year for the Colts-Pats game and was amazed by the city’s mafia ties yet complete lack of Mr. Potato Head statues.

  • This is completely unrelated to the post and other comments, but congratulations on the mention in the Washington Post article!

    Thanks, Sean, that was pretty cool.

  • You know, a lot of the entries that won past contests weren’t all that funny.

  • LOL over this one: “Well, your problems are no small potatoes.”

  • It’s not a tuber.

  • And then the boss told me I was just small fry…

  • “Actually, it’s PoTAHto-American now”

  • Actually the rules for the cartoon submissions mandate that puns are not allowed. Every Tuesday the cartoonists line up at the New Yorker building and submit ten cartoons to the editors. They go through them and obviously pick what they think is funny. Again, puns are not allowed. I’m all ears is pretty good but a lot of the submissions here would be disqualified and frankly with good reason. Po-TAH-to-American is hysterical.

  • “I have no working genitalia”

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