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Arjewtino
- How many five-year-olds could you take in a fight?
- I, Pronoun
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There is something about me that even my best friends don’t know: I LOVE Capri Sun.
Seriously. I practically inhale it. I’m the fucking Takeru Kobayashi of drinking Capri Sun. It takes me about 5 seconds to straw-pierce that silver pouch and drink all 6.75 fluid ounces of tropical goodness. I usually cap this act of physical prowess by crushing the pouch in my bare hand and throwing it on the ground like a Russian weightlifter dropping 100-pound barbells.
I often have wondered how many Capri Suns I could finish in 10 minutes. This is the curse of my gender: wondering if we can accomplish physically taxing ordeals just to see if we can. It’s how keg stands and the started. And it’s how sports were probably invented.
Guy 1: I wonder if I can punch this guy as hard as possible until he fell down?
Guy 2: You should call it boxing.
It’s also how the MTV show “Jackass” probably started. A bunch of guys wondered how much physical pain they could withstand for the entertainment of their friends. It was like “Mythbusters” for idiots. One question they never solved, though, was one that many guys have pondered since the dawn of time:
How many five-year-olds could you take in a fight?
I know I’ve wondered this. Luckily, there is a that answers that very question, calculating it based on your size, morals, and fighting history. I am a bit ashamed to say that I could only take on 16 of these little fuckers. This might sound like a lot of five-year-old kids to fight at once, but trust me, it’s not.
The quiz doesn’t ask a lot of intangibles, like if I can pick one up by the ankles and swing him around like a baseball bat. But it does set some ground rules:
* You are in an enclosed area roughly the size of a basketball court
* There are no weapons or foreign objects
* Everyone is wearing a cup (so no kicks to the groin)
* The children are merciless and will show no fear
* If a child is knocked unconscious, he is “out.” The same goes for you.
The quiz also doesn’t consider these kids’ collective attention spans. Most of them would probably start mining for nose gold or start bawling once took their away. Others could easily be distracted with an easy magic trick or a cute puppy.
I used to work as a camp counselor during my college summers and the privileged five-year-olds I worked with were some of the whiniest little bitches I’ve ever met. “I’m hot!” they’d complain, or “Timmy got more punch than me!”, or “Why are you hitting on my mom, Arjewtino?”
As I see it, there really are only five ways I couldn’t beat up more five-year-olds:
1. My stamina.
2. I forget how to give wedgies.
3. The kids are homeless South Americans.
4. The kids are related to me.
5. The kids are zombies.
If you take the , let me know how many five-year-olds you could fight at once. Unless the number is higher than 16. Then I’ll just feel bad.
Comments
28, probably on account of my kung fu skills
You’re the top five-year-old beater-upper so far.
21. I think it’s my wingspan. And my distaste for small children.
My wingspan is the length of a baby’s forearm, which is probably why I only got 16.
all i get when i try to get my results is some dating site. if i have to sign up for it im going to be a little bitter
Weird, I go right to the quiz. Click here
25… I figure the 20+ years of soccer experience would help me punt them away.
I got sent to the dating site too. Thankfully Average Jane steered me to the right link.
Man, I’m starting to feel a little weak here.
I got the same thing as wes285, booo!
Weird, I go right to the quiz. Click here
Yeah, I got a dating site instead of a score. I guess the idea of beating up children and finding your soul mate go hand in hand.
Weird, I go right to the quiz. Click here.
I don’t understand where you guys are getting this dating Web site. Click HERE.
try that one. i can take 22.
suck on that, fools!
Ok, now it’s just getting ridiculous. YOU can take on 6 more than me? It must have been my morals.
I’m going to cry in the corner.
Jess’ link works much better. Height + balance + experience + training + questionable morality = 29. In my younger days, I probably could have topped 30.
We have a new leader.
I got 20. You’re a total weenie.
I’m starting to realize this.
Sorry, I quit. I got the dating site again.
It must be yours and a few others’ computers, I don’t know. I updated all the links now.
Never mind, Jess’ link worked. 18.
I can’t believe Jess can beat up more than you. You’ve got the South American blood in you. Then again, that didn’t do much for me.
29. I feel satisfied with this assessment.
22. Blasian superiority.
I don’t get it. I’m bigger than you. Must be the ethnicity.
26….its because im asian and know kungfu. i think they need to add a question about beer muscles, id easily top 35
Seems like no one’s been able to top 30 so far. Hard to believe no one could beat up more five-year-olds than that.
I just keep getting the dating site too, but my expectations weren’t high. I kick ass at the cinnamon challenge though.
What’s your definition of “kick ass”? Able to do it for longer than 30 seconds? 60 seconds?
I tried to do this quiz, but somehow I ended up on a dating site. Not quite where I wanted to end up!
For the last time, everyone, click .
Wow… I got 16 too… I’m guessing it’s because of my incredible lack of wingspan. And my somewhat passive nature. Still, if you came after me for telling you the truth about the Diamondbacks I think we’d have a fair fight.
That’s true. Now I’m reconsidering my repeated threats.
i got 28, prob my age and height working against me. were can we get say 50 of these little bastard children and give this a whirl?
Same place we find anything in this world: Craigslist.
Big Brother Blockage thwarted my attempt to take the quiz - so I’ll just guess.
One. Maybe two, if I have enough candy, duct tape and room in the van. I’ll let you know how it works out.
I think you are seriously underestimating yourself.
I only got 22. I have no compunction about fighting dirty or bowling with kindergarteners, but my score is pretty low because I’m not much bigger than a kindergartener.
Great. This just fucking great. I am starting to feel like a real weakling here. There definitely should have been gender consideration. Not to disparage women in general, but girls have the most fragile little wrists. Most would snap in a fight.
But you do have sharp, evil fingernails.
Just to make you feel even worse, I’m 5′2″ and weigh about 105. But I do have impressive claws.
Mission accomplished.
12!
wtf i’m so not a fighter
Finally! Man, I was beginning to think I was the only wuss.
Hey there’s link that takes you to a dating site.
Anyways I got 23, but I put in the reach and average of a man that kicks ass and then makes you change your name.
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris could beat up 33 5 year olds.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to beat up 5-year-olds. They’re too scared of his politics.
ok, you beat irina, but that is like lording it over mother theresa.
25 for me. it would’ve been higher if the quiz allowed:
1. general direction farting
2. three stooges fighting moves
3. cooties
4. flamethrower
And noogies. Kids are suckers for noogies.
oh, and
5. general direction farting ignited by flamethrower
that alone could fell a 1,000 5-year-olds.
That could char 1,000 5-year-olds.
i got 22, which somewhat worries me when put in comparison to you.
There’s an easy answer to this. The quiz is racist.
i win!
Nope. sockrocker and Hammer beat you, both getting a 29.
WTF?! I tried twice and got the dating site both times. I’ll try tomorrow from work. Hehe. Although our firewall probably won’t let me do anything.
28 mofo!
Wait- I don’t get it… what site do I go to again?
anyways- I got a 14. 
Save the 5 year olds!
Wow, it must be your wholesome values.
I can take on 17… I can take on more than you AND beat you in arm wrestling… how’s THAT feel, punk?
No need to perpetuate abhorrent lies. You know who lost that arm wrestling match.