Monday, July 2nd, 2007...8:56 am

Everything I ever needed to know about Guatemala I learned from El Guapo

Jump to Comments

The Princess left yesterday for Guatemala, where she plans to spend three weeks learning a dialect of Spanish I will then have to deprogram when she gets back. She’ll be living with a host family in Quetzaltenango, nicknamed Xela (pronounced SHELL-a) and attending a language school.

I’ll be joining her in two weeks for a one-week vacation visit.

Because The Princess is a girl, she likes to plan. She labored over which guidebook to buy, wrote out a long list of items to take, and researched excursions we can take when we’re there.

Because I’m a boy, I did nothing.

“You haven’t read my Lonely Planet book on Guatemala yet,” she told me a couple of nights ago. “I’m leaving on Sunday with the book.”

“I don’t need a travel guide. I already know everything about Guatemala that I need to know,” I explained, pointing to my head.

In truth, everything I know about Guatemala I learned from mi amigo . And El Google. For example:

Everyone in Guatemala has a glorious moustache. Below is a picture I have of El Guapo. As you can see, his moustache truly is beautiful. I will print, cut out, and take this picture with me when I leave for The Land of Eternal Spring so that the locals know we are like hermanos. I’m sorry to break your anonymity, EG, but that moustache should not be kept under wraps.

elguapo.JPG

Guatemalan soccer fans worship Argentina. As you can clearly see in the photo below, the Guatemalan on the left is wearing Argentina’s 2002 World Cup “away” jersey. Can’t blame the kid, though, since his own country has qualified for the most important sporting event in the world a total of 0 times in its 88-year existence.

soccer.JPG

Guatemalans love “Chicken Buses”. These are retired school buses deemed too unsafe by American school systems and converted for use as public buses. They pimp ‘em out, as the kids say, and pack as many people and luggage as possible inside. A couple of times a month, a bus packed with riders and chickens will go careening over a mountainous cliff. I plan on riding these Chicken Buses.

chickenbus.JPG

American women often kidnap Guatemalan children.
Many go to Guatemala under the veil of teaching English only to snatch these helpless kids. This is a national epidemic, made worse by the gringas’ use of blankets and whacky facial expressions to take the poor children.

kidnap1.JPG

kidnap2.JPG

Art in Guatemala is all about Jesus.
And, apparently, it’s also all about Jesus groping a white man who looks a lot like Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap.

jesus.JPG

Cruises are popular in Guatemala.
For the price of 25 quetzales ($3.18) , you can take a riverside jaunt along the border of Mexico, a country to which some Guatemalans have been known to illegally immigrate.

cruise.JPG

That’s all I know for now about Guatemala and Quetzaltenango, but I’m sure I’ll learn more after The Princess reports back her adventures and El Guapo and Miguel pay me a secret visit in the middle of the night to kick my ass.

Share with the Interweb: These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and discover new web pages.
  • StumbleUpon
  • Digg
  • del.icio.us
  • Technorati
  • MisterWong
  • Fark
  • Slashdot
  • NewsVine

20 Comments

  • How bad is it in Guatemala that people will actually immigrate to Mexico?! That’s like me thinking things are bad here and immigrating to Somalia.

  • Actually, that boat pictured in your post is the “Gran Palacio”, Guatamala’s finest cruiseship. You can get a cruise for less than $3, but the accomodations aren’t as nice, and if you sit in the boat, you’ll probably catch syphillis.

  • What is Scott Bakula holding in his hand? It looks like a itsy-bitsy barbell.

    And - it blasphemous of me to think that shot is a little homoerotic? I mean, do we NEED to see Scott Bakula’s hairy tummy? I think not.

  • There was a great Slate article on the New York Times’ use of the “bus plunge” story as filler, a while back. Also, that Jesus with the dude painting scares the Jew out of me.

  • I went back and looked at that again. It really looks like the cover of a romance novel. Let’s think of suggestive titles for whatever book is attached to it.

  • Art in Guatemala is all about Jesus. And, apparently, it’s also all about Jesus groping a white man who looks a lot like Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap.

    Wow! I didn’t know I could shoot juice from my nose all the way to my monitor but apparently I can.

  • Ooh ooh! Me first!

    Thorns of Passion

    Cruci Fixation

    …annnnd Boys of Bethlehem

    These are brilliant.

  • The Last Temptation of Scott.

    Jesus Got Nailed. Too porny?

  • that really DOES look like scott bakula.

    Quantum Bleep

    The Gospel of Ziggy.

  • He Has Risen (and he’s not the only one)

    Oh. I’m so going to Hell.

  • Passion of Bakula
    or Passion of the Washed Up 90s TV Actor (USA Title)

  • Jesus takes it in the Bakula

    good thing I’m a Jew or I would really be dodging lightning bolts.

    Actually, it looks like Bakula’s taking it in the Jesus.

  • I think Scott Bakula is holding one of the nails that was crucifying Jebus.

    Be careful in Guatemala, Arjewtino– you never know when you’ll swoon in the heat and find yourself powerless against Jebus’s advances.

  • you or baby bien are going to need to come over here and make sure the diet sunkist that i snorted over my keyboard when i read your comments hasn’t done any permanent damage.

  • Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week, folks.

  • You forgot the part about the bus being stopped in the middle of the overnight trip to Tikal and being gassed for the Mediterranean fruit fly! At least that gives you an excuse to awaken the short Guatemalan who is drooling on your shoulder as he sleeps. Yes, he is quite close to you and very comfortable, as they cram three adults onto each seat.

    The gringa price (at least, the blonde, blue-eyed, obviously not from here gringa price) for taking the river cruise and crossing to Chiapas is $20. That’s US dollars. Doesn’t matter if you speak Spanish well and are telling him that you are not going to pay the gringo price, dammit — he is the only way to get across the river unless you want to get back on the bus, ride the seven hours to Tikal and then go to Mexico through Belize. Which you do not want to do.

  • This is typical Argentine propaganda.

    And for the record, Scott Bakula is huge in Guatemalan. He’s our David Hasselhoff.

  • […] we’re not Guatemala, Argentina beat Mexico last night 3-0 in la Copa América semifinals to advance to the tournament […]

  • Adams Morgan Chick
    July 16th, 2007 at 11:54 am

    Dispelling myth #1, Xela is pronounced SHAY-la. And the rest of your blog was downhill from there.

    I would continue to bust further myths/untruths in your blog, but you wouldn’t be able to either hear them over your ArgentineWhine or see them through the long hair that covers your eyes.

  • Arjewtino » Blog Archive » When Guatemala gives you lemons, make lemonade; just don’t use Guatemalan lemons
    July 24th, 2007 at 9:51 am

    […] an entire week traveling within its borders. I spent time in Quetzaltenango, also known as Xela (“Adams Morgan Chick”, you ignorant slut, it IS pronounced SHELL-a by Spanish-speakers), visited Antigua, the country’s […]

Leave a Reply