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Arjewtino
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- I learned several new words today
- The greatest season finales in history: A Blogger Happy Hour
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Photo credit: Chosang
When I called my friend MJ last Friday night to invite her out, she told me she and HC were busy.
“We’re going to Clarendon Ballroom to meet Perez Hilton,” she said in my voicemail.
Clarendon where? Perez who? Oh right, that gossip blogger who built his career on smarmy and often cruel comments about celebrities.
That’s what MJ said anyways. But this is what I heard: “There are other bloggers more important than you who I’d rather hang out with.”
Perez Hilton, aka Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr., is kind of a big deal in celebrity blogging. He has the 16th-ranked blog in the Technorati universe (for comparison’s sake, mine is ranked awesomely at 49,721st), gets about a gazillion hits a day, and was dubbed “Hollywood’s Most Hated Web Site”. If you’ve never heard of him, welcome to the Internet. There’s a lot of porn here.
Perez came to DC last week as a guest of Hot 99.5 radio station for something called the Lil’ Black Dress Party, an event big enough to wrestle my friends’ attention away from, well, me. Even the covered it for some reason.
“Seriously, we felt like celebs,” MJ told me yesterday over e-mail while recapping the night. “They had a red carpet and were taking pictures inside. So we’re on the radio station website. It was fantastic.”
That night, while she and HC partied in Virginia, I rode the 42 Metrobus thinking about Perez and thought, How does a blogger become a celebrity? How do his nights out become “events”? Should I start announcing my social calendar on my blog?
Perez’s celebrity status was cemented for me when MJ sent me this text later that night, at 12:43 a.m.: “I just got a pic w/ perez!” I texted her back: “Loser.”
Celebrity blogging can be attained. It’s just a matter of figuring out what the celebrities do right and comparing that behavior to your own. So I did some side-by-side assessments of Perez and myself to determine if I was on my way to becoming a blogger celebrity, too:
Be Latino
Perez Hilton is Cuban. I’m Argentinean. Everyone knows Latinos are awesome (even Guatemalans who ). But I’m Jewish, too, which makes me better than him.
Have blog haters
People hate Perez. They visit his blog EVERY day to tell him that. Everyone loves me, though. That’s what my mommy told me.
Have a distinctive look
Perez inexplicably dyes his hair blondish, wears thick glasses, and shows off oddly patterned shirts that don’t match his ties (see photo above). I have a skinny black tie I still bust out that reminds people of Flock of Seagulls.
Have an attention-grabbing site banner
Be gay
Perez is a ‘mo who exploits his sexuality to befriend female celebrities. I’m a straight man who thinks about many different women naked every day. Hmm. Might have to work on that one.
Be rich
Perez charges exorbitant fees for ads on his blogs because his site traffic demands it and advertisers are willing to pay for it. Though my blog is ad-free, I am still waiting for the or the 1 million Euro check from Spain to come in.
Post lots of photos
Perez posts photos of celebrities with “clever” captions that he doodles. I post photos of LNS celebrities with my own “clever” captions that I take an entire 5 seconds to come up with.
In general, just act like an unapologetic prick
Perez outs gay celebrities like Lance Bass, prints paparazzi photos without permission, and has a selective memory to accommodate his agenda. I my friend’s fragile fingers, print my friends’ embarrassing stories without permission, and have a selective memory to accommodate my agenda.
According to this comprehensive list, I have already achieved celebrity blogger status. The day will soon come when new “It” girls MJ and HC forsake a night out with Perez Hilton to come meet me in some Virginia bar.
And maybe they’ll send him this text: “I just got a pic w/ arjewtino!”
Comments
I’m not sure striving to be Perez Hilton is a good thing. I hear he’s incredibly annoying.
I’m annoying, too. Well, more obnoxious than annoying. But when you get that many hits on your site, who cares?
just so you know, if you want one point for arjewtino, you’re cuter. perez is really unattractive. i was surprised at how much more icky in person he is than on tv or in his own blog pictures. he was sweet in person tho, so you two have that in common. maybe you’re closer to celeb status than you think…. just stick with me and HC.
but trent from pink is the new blog has you all beat, he is my absolute favorite blogger. he is super cute and super nice. i feel like we could easily be bffs.
I’m cuter than an unattractive person? Your effusive praise is making me blush, MJ.
Dude you’re never going to be bigger then Perez, so why not shoot for something a bit more attainable…such as ‘I’ll be GAYER then Perez’ or ‘BLONDER’…baby steps my friend.
Fuck baby steps, I’m taking moon-sized leaps into celebrity status. I can feel my Technorati rank inching higher. Besides, I don’t think anyone can be as gay as Perez.
MJ comes through with the Arjewtino blog content.
Virginia represent!
MJ is always good for giving me awesome blog content.
“Have blog haters”
Tool! What do you mean you’re not gay? You’re Argentinian, which as close to gay as you can get without having a rainbow flag. It’s like metrosexual with a side order of Liza Minelli and a schmear of Celine Dion.
Okay, did that help you with the Technoratis? If not I can find some Eva Peron jokes on the google for you.
With so many beautiful women in Argentina, I don’t think it’s genetically possible for any Argy-man to be gay.
I hate Perez, I think he hates the wrong celebs for no good reason. I hate him so much that I haven’t been on his site for 3 months. That’s right, I’m shunning him.
I had never been on his site until yesterday when I started my research. It’s ok. I really don’t see what the big deal is.
Perez is always in the know and he was featured on Victoria Beckham coming to America. Even Posh cares what he writes about her!
Although I’m a huge fan, I don’t read Perez’s blog daily. I do however check the Express daily to see if my local celeb friend, arjewtino, has made it in the Blog Log for the day!
Thanks, pudding, you can stop lying now.
I thought I was the “It” girl. Wow. How quickly we are replaced.
I think MJ and I are going to have to mud-wrestle (or ‘rassel) for the title.
I’ll set it up. Do you prefer mud or oil?
Tapioca pudding would be ideal. That, or Cocoa Butter.
I’ll set it up ASAP.
I thought I was MJ’s favorite blogger. God damnit, another bubble burst.
Get used to it.
Request permission to be the fight promoter. I’ve got a bouts I’d like to put on the undercard.
The job is yours. I just want to observe and keep score.
I think MJ is going around, calling everyone her favorite blogger. She even made me a pillow, needle-pointing both of our initials, surrounded by a cross-stitched heart.
That whore.
Wait, I’m not the only blogger with one of those? Slut.
my favorite bloggers do not include yankee fans. sorry inpy, maybe if you convert you’ll have a chance.
I don’t get Perez Hilton. My girlfriend reads it all the time so I decided to check it out. He’s not really funny at all. It’s a mystery how he’s so famous. Also you can be as rich/famous as you want but there will always be something pretty sad about following people around for a living. He’s a glorified stalker.
That explains my bloupies.
Never read Perez and don’t plan on reading him anytime in the future. I used to read Trent at Pink is the New Blog all the time - same with The Superficial. But now that I am attempting to freelance it, I don’t visit many of the blogs & websites that I did when I was a miserable schlub working in a cubicle. I think it was a case of misery loving company (even if it’s just virtual company) because those blogs are damn snarky and downright cruel at times. I just can’t do that to myself anymore.
Reading certain blogs with a slant on being vicious leaves most with a bad taste in their proverbial mouths.
Update:
One day into this posting, my blog has shot up to 48,528th on the Technorati rankings. I’m now only 48,512 spots away from Perez.
Wow, as a straight, white, half jewish, girl who isn’t odd looking, it seems I may never get to be famous. Alas. I guess maybe I can up my chances by making a banner. Or getting really rich.
The banner. Concentrate on the banner.
“I just got a pic w/ arjewtino!”
But that’s already the case…we ALL have pictures with Arjewtino. Then it wouldn’t be special.
And btw, *I* am MJ’s favorite blogger everyone. right, MJ? ummm….MJ?
And the mud rasslin’ suddenly has three contestants.
You are way cooler than Perez. Way cooler.
When you’re really famous (more than you are now!) I’m going to name drop. Just so you know 
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I’ll be your hater
If you’ll be mine too
[…] few weeks after meeting Perez Hilton, my friends the It Girls (MJ and HC) were once again in rarefied air on Friday night as they […]