Wednesday, May 30th, 2007...8:35 am

A real eye opener

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If you turned to Page 2 of the yesterday and happened to glance below the fold to the print ads, you might have spotted this disturbing image nestled among the promotions for Botox and Type 2 Diabetes.

lasikad.jpg

Who in his right mind would ever consider Lasik eye surgery after seeing this advertisement by some outfit called ? If it manages to refer even one patient, I’ll consider it a small miracle. And having it appear in the Express’ “Eye Openers” section is just too poetic and groan-inducing not to mention.

I read the ad further (unable to ignore the punctuation errors) to figure out why the ad wizards chose to showcase their “20/20 Guaranteed or Money Back” offer in this way. But despite promises of FDA approval or assurances of safety, there was no explanation for why this poor woman appeared looking like the poster child for Graves Disease.

My natural curiosity unsated, I called I Surgeons to get some answers.

Arjewtino: Hi, I’m calling in reference to your ad for Lasik eye surgery in today’s Express.

I Surgeons Receptionist: Yes?

Arjewtino: Have you seen the ad?

I Surgeons Receptionist: Yes.

Arjewtino: Will Lasik make my eyes look that big, too?

I Surgeons Receptionist: No, it won’t, it’s a very safe procedure.

Arjewtino: Oh, so this isn’t a new trendy thing? ‘Cause I think it looks very cool. Can’t I have the doctor make them bigger?

I Surgeons Receptionist: No.

Arjewtino: So why does the ad look like that?

I Surgeons Receptionist: He probably wanted to stress the eyes [in the ad].

Arjewtino: Oh. So what are some of the side effects of Lasik eye surgery?

I Surgeons Receptionist: Mostly dry eyes.

Arjewtino: Not extreme eye augmentation?

I Surgeons Receptionist: No.

Arjewtino: Ok. Thank you.

So, Lasik-eye-surgery-considering, eyeglass-wearers of the world, think long and hard before agreeing to this procedure.

Then again, it might get you into the Express.

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17 Comments

  • Sweet. All my life I’ve been stuck with 20/15 vision. Now I can finally get it fixed.

    I’d keep shopping for a Lasik eye surgery place that doesn’t make you bug out.

  • you’re a regular prophet, arjewtino. you said yesterday that everything these days is iSomething, and that apparently includes scary eye surgeons.

    I’m a modern-day seer.

  • She looks like a bush baby.

    Albeit an attractive bush baby.

  • Sinbad the Friendly Ghost
    May 30th, 2007 at 9:23 am

    Don’t be fooled by their assurances that it doesn’t augment your eyes…my girlfriend went there and she looks like a fucking chihuahua now.

    I’m holding out hope that they’ll inflate my eyes to the size of beach balls.

  • She’s like Mr. Magoo — but magnified *without* the glasses.

    She makes me feel dirty.

    She makes me feel disturbed.

  • Bahahaha! That is hilarious. And creepy. And I agree: I don’t think getting one’s money back can compensate for blindness.

    Yeah, you definitely don’t want to hear, “Sorry we burned out your eyes, here’s $200.”

  • Funny I saw that yesterday too and thought she looked like an alien. I have big eyes, but those are nutso!

    If I had big eyes, I’d stand next to this chick all the time to mask their size, like standing next to an ugly person to make yourself more attractive by comparison.

  • I’ve thought about Lasik a couple times and $299/eye is just a scary low price. The price is almost scary and makes me wonder what corners they’re cutting. Plus, I look funny without glasses.

    The price is scary? Come on, man, look at the results!

  • alien eyes are the new black.

    I knew they were trendy!

  • I don’t know that I’d ever get Lasik, anyway. I’ve had my glasses since I was 10…they’re me! And one of my biggest pet peeves is when I meet people and they ask if they can see me without glasses. Or when photographers do that…Argh. No, you cannot! I wear glasses! I can’t see six inches in front of me without them (true story)!

    That photographer had some nerve asking you to take off your eyeglasses. It’s like asking someone to take off her face.

  • Creepy bug eyed lady aside, when it comes to someone sticking a laser in my eye, I’m not really looking for the best deal. I prefer to find the best doctor and pay whatever he’s charging, so $299/eye isn’t very enticing either.

    Exactly. It’s like getting a deal on heart surgery. No, thanks, just make sure I don’t die.

  • “… it might get you into the Express”

    Or at least National Geographic.

    …right next to the African women with those gazillion neck rings.

  • why didn’t you use the same word that NLM did in your blog? Seriously — if you wrote exophthalmos and acted like everyone knew that word…. do you realize how many people would run to their dictionary or just act like they knew the word?

    Sure, exophthalmos, I totally knew that word; I definitely didn’t have to look it up.

  • The one day I missed getting the Express…

  • It’s a good thing you checked out if the eyes were supposed to pop out that way. Otherwise, I would’ve felt I’d gotten ripped off when I got lasik and my eyes did not pop out.

    I’m sure if I show the ad to the Boyfriend he’ll stop considering the surgery and keep his glasses. She looks freaky!

    Show him that ad and I iron-clad guarantee he at least reconsiders.

  • I'm sure you've never read my good friend...
    May 31st, 2007 at 9:46 am

    …Gene Weingarten.

    You mean my good friend Gene Weingarten?

  • Haha awesome. I love that you actually called and asked them that. Remind me to high- five you next time I see you. Mint, absolutely mint.

    It was too good to pass up. And I like to emulate Gene Weingarten.

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