-
Arjewtino
- What? Don?t they serve bread at Mizzou?
- No concussions at this blogger happy hour
- I learned several new words today
- The greatest season finales in history: A Blogger Happy Hour
- It?s the end of Movember as we know it, and I feel fine
- DC Blogs Photography Contest
- Gawker keeps stalking me
- New York City? Get a rope
- Trivia night and absurdity: A Movember Update
-
Blogroll
- 23/6
- Average Jane
- Blonder Than You
- Bridal Bird
- Caged Bird Sings
- Citizen of the Month
- Collateral Damage
- Culinary Couture
- Freckled K
- Grateful Dating
- Hey Pretty
- I Now Pronounce You
- I Wish I Was Like You, Easily Amused
- Life of Red
- Listen to Leon
- Love is Blonde
- Magic Jewball
- Playaz Ball
- Roissy in DC
- Roosh
- Seeking John Galt
- Starting Today
- The Brooklyn Boy
- Tickle My Kittens
- What Would J. Crew Do?
Late during last Friday night’s blogger happy hour, INPY drunkenly punched me in the face. I told him to take off his glasses and I slugged him right back, square in the jaw. We then hugged it out like men.
The next day, I got this text from him:
“You punch like a girl”
The truth is, I have never been in a fistfight. I have never taken part in this essential rite-of-passage, which for most men is right up there with “unhooking your first bra” and “entering a stupid tequila shot contest”.
This is NOT, however, due to a lack of trying.
Being an angry, hormonal, “woe’s me” kind of teenager, I constantly looked for fights whenever the opportunity arose. My condensed list of people I wanted to fight includes:
- A 7-11 cashier who falsely accused me of shoplifting.
- Some guy who sneaked into the swimming pool of my apartment complex and threw a chair into the pool.
- The Little League pitcher who knocked me down after throwing me some chin music.
- My bully.
- The party crasher who called me a kike.
But no matter how often I tried to instigate or escalate the potential fistfight, my would-be opponents backed down. Always.
As recently as last week, some guy at a bar on Capitol Hill, upset that I was joking with his kickball friends and threatened by my ability to make them laugh, called me a “scumbag” as I walked away. I turned around and marched aggressively back up to him and said, “What? What did you call me?” only to have him back down and apologize.
Why is this? I am not, physically speaking, a large man. I am, what you might generously call, “soccer player-sized”. So it can’t be my tangible presence that intimidates my adversaries.
I’ve developed a theory -– the reason my rivals acquiesce is that at the very moment a fistfight becomes a very real possibility, when the moment of truth intensifies, they must be thinking, “Holy shit, if this little guy wants to fight he must be able to beat me up.”
In retrospect, I’m ambivalent about never having been in a fistfight. On the one hand, I missed out on a masculine event that every man should go through, like climbing a mountain or not caving when his girlfriend starts to cry.
But on the other hand, I’ve never had to experience this pain:
Thanks for the link, Wonkette.
Comments
you have very scary intense eyes (no homo), I mean I wouldn’t mess with you if you got mad at me, but then again I’m a lover not a fighter…
Physical demeanor says otherwise.
In all fairness, you don’t hit like a girl. You hit like a little jewish man. But you should have totally kicked that dude’s ass that called you a “kike”.
You’re right. He didn’t even have the excuse that he meant to say “like”.
i got punched in the face once. i was laughing at this girl for kissing this other girl - because it was funny for some reason (?) - and she punched me right in the face. gave me a black eye. it was awesome.
Wow, there’s GOT to be more to this story.
I’ve never been in a fistfight, per se. My sophomore year of high school this guy pissed me off so I shoved him into the lockers. He got in my face again and I said “Don’t make me punch you, dude” and he challenged my manhood (by not getting out of my face), so I punched him. Twice. In the face. And then like a little baby he turned away.
Then again, at that time had I been a bomb my fuse would have been so short it would’ve been inside. These days it takes a lot to piss me off. The only other time I got anywhere close to hitting someone was when some kid said “that’s a touchdown…” and dropped the “socially acceptable” version of the N word on me, which literally caused me to see red and get in his face. I was fractions of a second from lighting him up (I mean I had that arm twitch you get before you haul off and punch someone) before 3 guys came over and separated us. Too bad.
I want to see angry I-66, it sounds like it’d be fun to watch. Of course, I won’t be using any “socially acceptable” racial slurs to wind you up, just comments about how great it is that Beckham is playing in the MLS.
Well, the hitting people in the face part is fun, but the part where they hit you back kinda sux, to be honest with you..especially when there are a lot of them hitting you back. And having every new person you meet ask you “where’d you get that scar” kinda sux too. I know how much awesome it would be to have a new anecdote that ends in “that’s why you should never talk smack about the world cup to an argy unless you are ready to throw down, bitchez” but if you’ve gone this long without one, then you might as well just settle down, get married and have a bunch of kids who you train to be UFC fighters so that you can live vicariously through them.
I couldn’t agree more. If it hasn’t happened by now, it’ll only happen if there’s a damn good reason, like someone is fronting on your girlfriend or disparaging River Plate. Also, unlike you, I didn’t have an older brother who beat me up.
for the record, i always want to punch you in the face when i see you. but i don’t want to put you in the position of hitting a girl with glasses.
You and your crazy euphemisms.
No mention of chicken wings?
Oh man, I forgot about the greatest story!
Blue and I were hanging out with a couple of friends at Hooters (which we go to for the wings, of course) when we were distracted by a bikini fashion show. We walked away from our table to get a better look, standing perhaps 7 feet from our table. At one point, I look back and see this guy at the table next to ours eating from our plate of wings. Enraged, I run up to the guy and yell “What the fuck! this” and “What the fuck! that”. Before I know it, both groups are locking horns, as it were, and fronting. The situation could have gotten out of control until our friend Scotty pretended to be an off-duty cop and put his hand in his back pocket, like he was concealing a gun. The manager, in a fright, asks him if he’s a cop, to which Scotty answered, “Put it this way, if you don’t get these guys out of here, there’s going to be some trouble.” The manager kicked out the other guys and gave us a gift certificate.
Blue didn’t talk to me the rest of the night.
You’ll have to look pretty hard to see angry I-66. Even in competitive environments (see: my soccer games) I don’t get riled up.
That’s a challenge if I ever heard one.
Black eyes are soooooo 2006.
More like 1996.
I’m more of a hair-puller (we do what we like, right?), but I did deck someone once. It was glorious.
You might want to set your sights on Sisco, that kid is getting a little too big for his britches.
God, dad, you sure are shooting blanks lately.
First you can’t drink and now you can’t fight? Do I have to outshine you in ALL areas of life?
Yes, apparently you do.
“I am, what you might generously call, “soccer player-sized”.”
No. You’re just small.
Pot. Kettle. Black.
i could give you a few pointers. i got kicked out of 3 schools by the time i was 4 for beating up other kids, broke a kid’s arm when i was 8, and punched a girl in her face at a bar when i was 21. (she headbutted me first, though.)
You would be very low on my list of Girls I’m Willing to Fight.
Consider yourself lucky. I haven’t been in a full-fledged fight since 1998, and it was in a shopping mall parking lot, so the security video of me kicking this guy’s ass might still be floating around somewhere! When you’re an adult, the amount that you stand to lose is far greater than the satisfaction you might get from coming out on the winning end of a fight.
It’s far more enjoyable to watch OTHER people beat the brakes off each other, in my humble opinion!
Thank god for YouTube, helping people like me fight vicariously through other people’s issues.
Most I ever did was whitewash a kid in junior high who’d had it coming for several months. 
Well, that and jump at some guy who swung a pool cue at my (now ex) boyfriend, but I was never really able to connect with him (all three of us ended up on the ground and were pulled apart quickly). I don’t generally believe in hitting anyone except in self defense - there are usually plenty of other far more effective methods of retaliation.
For instance: slowly degrading them emotionally until they break down and cry.
Pot calling the kettle black? As a woman, it’s considered “cute” to be short. I don’t mind people calling me cute.
That’s what they call me, too. Actually, “adorable” is more common.
Shit, I guess I look like a pug puppy.
And no one has pointed out the reason why your punch did nothing to INPY is because he is so thickheaded. he is a Yankee fan after all.
Seriously, it’s like punching a wall of granite.
I’ve definitely punched a guy in the stomach (when i was in elementary school and being bullied) and shoved a ‘roided out baseball player down some stairs in college who had called me a spic (luckily he didn’t fall too far and there were some people that immediately jumped in between us when he came running back up to demolish me), but I guess those don’t count as fights since the exchanges were one sided. Looks like I missed my window to get into a real fight. Our drunken slap contest doesn’t count 
I was going to mention our Peru-on-Argentina slap contests but I thought it made us sound like pussies.
You know, there were lots of times I felt like punching you. If I had only known about your secret wish to be in a fist fight…
Was that before or after you asked if I was offended by your use of the word “Hanukkah”?
Dude, you are on Wonkette again, how much are you paying those people?! Shana Tova by the way.
Message from George: There’s nothing wrong with looking like a pug puppy. You’re out of the will.
I almost worked on that show!
You mean the one in the video? Cool. Can you take a punch?
I got into my first bar fight a few weeks ago. Some guy sucker punched my friend so three of us beat the everloving shit out of him. It was, I have to say, pretty awesome. First time I ever kicked someone in the ribs.
I can totally picture you Reservoir Dogging this schlub to a finish. And then slicing off his ear.
[…] many of you and Wonkette’s readers now know, I have never been in a fistfight. If I ever was in one, though, I’d like to think it wouldn’t be as lame as […]