Monday, September 22nd, 2008...8:45 am
Whoever thought of the name “American Booty” is a genius
The first porno I ever saw was “Crocodile Blondee”.
I was 13 and watched it at my friend Scotty’s one day while his mom was out. I don’t remember much about it except that I didn’t understand the storyline.
“I don’t get it,” I remember telling Scotty while he played the VHS tape.
“What don’t you get?”
“Well, what’s the plot of the movie?”
“The plot?”
“Yeah, what’s happening? This story doesn’t make any sense.”
“Who cares?” he yelled at me, “it’s a porno!”
Yes, of course, he had a point. But was I asking too much for the director to have a vision? For the characters to emote effectively? For the movie to function within the universe it had created? I didn’t think so.
According to a NSFW web site I found yesterday while conducting research to refresh my memory, the movie is about a “Southern carnal cutie” searching for “a man that can tame her insatiable sexual appetites.”
Really? I don’t remember any of that.
The plot description added that “unaware that she is being pursued by a mercenary who wants to capitalize on her famous ‘bite’, Cindy and her boyfriend are more than happy to offer their hideaway to our horny heroine.”
That sounds sort of familiar.
“When the plot thickens (as does much else) – it becomes a classic tale of the hunter becoming the hunted!”
Now that’s just absurd.
But as many of us know, cheesy puns go hand-in-hand with adult movies. Especially their titles, which are just bastardized versions of their original inspirations.
Coming up with these titles must be tougher than I realized, though. I know this because last week Baby Bien and I invented a game while at a bar with friends in which we had to come up with the porn names of existing titles.
Pretty simple, really. Except for the fact that it was really hard.
Most of our pun-errific porn titles, well, sucked. Many elicited mocking groans while only a few made us truly giggle like junior high kids.
As it turned out, there is a trick to this art form. The trick is to come up with a title that could stand on its own, one that would be recognizable to the original movie yet be able to combine wit with humor.
Go Pats won several rounds with “Balling for Come Behind” (Bowling for Columbine), “French My Erection” (French Connection), and “Jill and Ted’s Rectal Tent Adventure” (Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure).
Nathe also played well, coming up with “The Guy Who Dug Pee” (The Spy Who Shagged Me). Baby Bien thought up “Black to the Cooter” (Back to the Future), J-Vo had “Revenge of the Hemorrhoids” (Revenge of the Nerds), and Ginny and Tonic came through with one of my favorites, “Spluge on Me” (Jumangi).
I didn’t have many great ones, though I was pretty proud of my “The Fart Jism Ball” (The Dark Crystal) entry. I realized quickly how much respect I should have for the true porn title artisans.
In the end, no one had any brilliant innuendos like “Sick Degrees of Penetration” or “E-Three: The Extra Testicle”, so I’m pretty sure we will all be keeping our day jobs.
But 20 years later, it’s satisfying to know there was at least some thought that went into “Crocodile Blondee”.
10 Comments
September 22nd, 2008 at 9:32 am
What? Glad He Ate Her (Gladiator) didn’t make the cut?
I-66’s last blog post..Things Not To Do at a Redskins Game at FedEx Field
You can play next time. That’s a good one.
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:46 am
ahhh… i remember asking my mom if we could go see “hump street 21″ in times square…
xoxo
Starring Johnny Deep?
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:19 pm
So do you always watch pornos with guys?
Only with your best friend.
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:57 pm
PS: Apropos of nothing… totally having General Tso’s tonight.
Do you want to join the Tso’s Tsergeants? I’m getting the group together.
September 22nd, 2008 at 2:57 pm
To be on the “safe” side, maybe it would be better if we just didn’t speak during our next porno adventure……..
Our “next” porno adventure? I’m sorry, my friend, that was it.
September 22nd, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Good grief, I was at work!
September 22nd, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Let me tell you a story, and it starts with a magical boy named Harry Pooter, and the Chamber of Secretions. Wait, I think it actually started with Harry Pooter and the Sorcerer’s Moan, but I get the order mixed up. Anyway the old guy dies in the end.
shiftlessbadger’s last blog post..That’s Right. Updating from the cafe. Using my nerd phone.
September 22nd, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Nutting on Hill (Notting Hill)
Ladder 69 (Ladder 49)
Eight Below (Don’t even need to change that one)
Cum Line (Drumline)
I feel dirty and I have to leave now.
Maxie’s last blog post..don’t let me be a creeper.
September 22nd, 2008 at 8:36 pm
my personal favorite is my big fat greek gang bang
September 23rd, 2008 at 7:47 am
Why is corcodile in quotation marks, but “blondee” is quotation free?
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