I went to my favorite Korean-owned deli for lunch earlier this week. After saying “Anyong” to the two hot female owners, I checked out the food.
“It’s turkey day!” I declared gleefully to no one in particular.
Ah, turkey day, when the deli provides a hu-fucking-mongous bird for its hungry patrons. Always succulent, the white meat of the gods is my favorite lunch day of the week.
Except this time, there was a problem.
“Looks a little pink,” I told my friend INPY.
“You’ll probably eat it anyway,” he said.
He knows me so well.
You have to understand something. And I hope I don’t offend anyone. But I love food. It’s easily my favorite thing to eat.
I’ve been known to eat expired eggs.
I’ve been known to eat half-cooked burger meat bought at a Mount Pleasant supermarket with questionable health code standards.
And I’ve been known to eat unfrozen chicken that’s been in my fridge for three or eight months.
When it comes to eating “iffy” food, my philosophy has always pretty much been, “What’s the worst that can happen?”
So when I stood in front of this turkey and saw streaks of pink coating its white breast meat, I had second thoughts. This surprised me. I even tried rationalizing it by thinking to myself, Well, even if I get sick, it’s a damn good turkey.
What was wrong with me? Was I really willing to risk my health for a delicious lunch? I had even seen a food inspector order the deli owners to remove food served at the wrong temperature two weeks earlier.
I called one of the workers over.
“Was this turkey cooked thoroughly?” I asked her, “it looks a little pink.”
“Hang on,” she said.
Ok, this is good, I thought, she’s going to get one of those food thermometers and quell my fears with tangible proof that the turkey was fit for consumption.
But no. Instead, she came back with a toothpick.
She sliced off a piece, stabbed it, and offered it to me.
“Here, mister, you try,” she said happily.
Where was I, in a USDA lab? I wasn’t going to be her fucking guinea pig even if I did find her offer of free food beautifully tantalizing.
“I’m not trying it,” I said, “it’s pink. I just want to know if it was cooked right.”
“You don’t like turkey, mister?” she asked, looking slightly offended.
I did like turkey, yes. The words caromed around my mind. What’s the worst that can happen? I should just eat the pink turkey.
No, fuck that.
“I LOVE turkey,” I responded. “Just not when it’s not cooked.”
She stood back. Now she looked upset.
“Mister, I cooked it for three hours.”
“Well, maybe you should have cooked it longer. I’m not risking getting sick.”
With that, I left. I ate some tuna salad that wouldn’t kill me and spent the rest of the day listening for the ambulance that would take the deli’s unfortunate customers to the hospital. For the first time, I considered salmonella poisoning a very real threat.
I feel like I’m growing.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ve eaten guacamole off the floor.
Shannon’s last blog post..My Truest Love Affair is With My Own Stupidity
Who wouldn’t? Though you do realize there is no such thing as the 5-second rule, right? It’s the .00001-second rule.
Thanks - you made my day. I had totally forgotten that Mount Pleasant market. Lived there ten years ago and loved seeing what strange things I could find.
Jan’s last blog post..Ridley’s First Morning Thoughts
I only wish they had had edible food.
I would like to remind you that the meat from the Mt. P market also found its way to the ground before the grill.
And we still ate it.
Since when can my people cook turkey anyway?
I-66’s last blog post..Analyze This
…yet you would not eat the cinnamon rolls I made.
There is a recurring theme I come across as a single guy. They don’t package any meat in single portions, and I’m way to lazy to portion the meat before freezing. So every time I want some chicken or pork chops or a steak I have to thaw an entire package. Hence the thawed, but uncooked, meat goes into the refrigerator. Sometimes it sits there for a while and I definitely eaten some really old meat that hasn’t been frozen for a long, long time. I mean, it seems wasteful to throw it away.
I’m pretty sure there is an easily solution to this dilemna, but I bet it involves trying and I’m just not into that.
eric’s last blog post..Vacaton…
This is EXACTLY my thinking. Thank you.
is this a sign of us getting older? the bf complains if food / milk is getting towards the expiration date and i am like, whatev, it can’t kill you. I see it more like a stoplight, its yellow, floor it! but, i see your point… why risk it now that we are in our 30’s… old man!
Don’t ever go there again. Rat in your tuna is a very real possibility
rs27’s last blog post..There Is a Secret That We Keep, I Won’t Sleep If You Won’t Sleep
But not rat shit, right?
I went again today. I’m ok. I think.
You, good sir, are a douchebag.
And yes, I used that word on purpose.
I’ve quoted this before, but it fits: “That what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” (motto for Egyptian Stella beer)
Connie’s last blog post..International Day of Peace
Pussy.
my sister had that peter pan peanut butter that was contaminated with salmonella like a year or so ago… she didn’t read the news and kept eating it. she literally had the flu for a month. i think you would have been okay with just one turkey sandwich.
Good job in bypassing the questionable poultry for a mayonnaise-based product of unknown shelf-life.
Still so much growing to do.
CPO’s last blog post..Tonight: Kosher Cooking and Kurds
i bet their’s mercury in your tuna : )
You made the right choice. I got salmonella poisoning in the Great Spinach Poisoning of ‘06 debacle. I lost 10 pounds in FOUR days. Efficient way of losing weight, sure. But I seriously thought I was going to die. *Shudder*
Talking Budgie’s last blog post..Happy Birthday Stonefish…
You are growing! This is a significant improvement over mardi gras when you told a girl she had to kiss you for your beads and then she told you she was totally sick - which seemed to be perfectly fine with you.
My god, I had forgotten about that. Thanks.