McDonald's Happy Meal fails to live up to its name

May

McDonald’s Happy Meal fails to live up to its name

Filed Under (DC, childhood) by Arjewtino on 19-05-2008

I am a fucking magician.

Among other things, I can make water appear out of a faucet in the restroom in my office simply by placing may hands directly under the spout. Also, I can accurately predict a coin toss at a rate of 50%.

But I can’t do everything. For instance, I cannot make little girls happy simply by giving them a Happy Meal toy.

During lunch recently in the Ballston Mall, a father and his young daughter and son sat at the table next to me. Though I was engrossed in my book, I could not help but overhear the little girl whine and complain about how her McDonald’s Happy Meal did not come with a toy.

As my homosexual friend Foxymoron would say, “So traj.”

I finished my meal and decided to do what Haley Joel Osment died trying to pound into our skulls and pay it forward. I went to the McDonald’s counter and asked to speak to the manager. I explained that “my friend’s” daughter didn’t get a toy with her Happy Meal and that I was there to restore her faith in the human condition.

He grabbed a plastic-wrapped toy fire truck and handed it to me suspiciously.

I briefly considered taking it out and rolling it along the counter yelling “Vroom, vroom!”, just to see how he would react, but decided against it. There are enough comparisons to me acting like a child as it is.

I went back to the table and patted the dad on the shoulder.

“Excuse me, I couldn’t help overhear your daughter say she didn’t get a toy in her Happy Meal so I got her one,” I said.

You would have thought I had offered the dad a kidney. I swear I saw tears well up in his eyes. He grabbed my arm and shook my hand, effusively praising my kindness.

But his apple, unfortunately, did fall far from the tree.

He handed the toy to his daughter and said, “Thank the nice man, Tabitha.”

Tabitha grabbed the toy fire truck and looked at it. Then she threw it back at her dad.

“NO!”

Fucking Tabitha.

“Now, honey…” the dad started. But I didn’t stick around to hear him act like his 6-year-old daughter’s bitch. I walked away happy in the knowledge that Tabitha wasn’t my daughter.

And that I wouldn’t be buying Happy Meals anytime soon.

Share with the Interweb: These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and discover new web pages.

Comments

jess on 19 May, 2008 at 12:43 pm #

clowns. scary.

tabitha should’ve appreciated the only something-for-nothing gift she’ll likely get in her life. she doesn’t deserve you, honestly.

I-66 on 19 May, 2008 at 12:52 pm #

If I’d known the name of the kid before the story started, I could’ve told you exactly how it would end.

I-66’s last blog post..Steamed

Nickels on 19 May, 2008 at 12:54 pm #

Too bad the dad didn’t bounce the toy right back off her head… that would give her something to say “NO” to… LOL

Beach Bum on 19 May, 2008 at 1:10 pm #

A fire truck for a little girl? I think that’s what pissed her off…

Beach Bum’s last blog post..DC 101 Chili Cook Off - a post with pictures!

Judy on 19 May, 2008 at 1:33 pm #

Such a nice Jewish boy my Arjewtino - I can hear your mom kvelling all the way in Cleveland.

Tabitha, pfft.

Judy’s last blog post..Doing Good In The Neighborhood

Connie on 19 May, 2008 at 2:56 pm #

Nice try. You’ve upped your karma score. Let’s hope the kid just needed a nap.

Connie’s last blog post..Playin’ hooky

Phil on 19 May, 2008 at 3:13 pm #

Being a novice Happy Meal purchaser, Arjewtino otherwise would have known there are “girl’s” happy meals and “boys” happy meals now, each with corresponding toy.

AJ obviously got the wrong toy and ruined this poor girl’s day.

And JESUS CHRIST is Ronald McDonald scaring me right now….

Phil’s last blog post..Wayne’s tips to a beginning a successful work day

milanomiss on 19 May, 2008 at 6:00 pm #

when I was a kid, my mom told the Mcdonald’s workers NOT to include a toy in our “happy meals.” Happy meals therefore, weren’t any more happy than other meals. (Mother was like that, we got fruit and mixed nuts in our christmas stockings and easter baskets vs. candy…to teach us something about life)

milanomiss’s last blog post..upcomming blog topics

Sean on 19 May, 2008 at 9:28 pm #

I think the same thing happens to David Copperfield.

Sean’s last blog post..Iceman

Danielle on 19 May, 2008 at 9:46 pm #

Happy Meals here in Chennai, India aren’t served with french fries. Imagine what little Tabitha would have to say about that?

PS…love your blog and your writing.

Danielle’s last blog post..Expat Meme

Erin on 20 May, 2008 at 8:25 am #

That was such a nice thing that you did I’m sorry the little brat didn’t appreciate it - I promise that our kid will love you forever if you did that for him!

Card carrying elitist on 20 May, 2008 at 10:54 am #

Maybe the toys are also blanched in beef tallow.

Go Pats! on 20 May, 2008 at 11:03 am #

If the toys had an indiana jones tie in, i’d be lunging across the counter to grab my own. Or stealing them from childrens.

Washington Cube on 20 May, 2008 at 1:35 pm #

Yeah it was the “boy toy,” thing, but silly Tabitha should remember Samantha in Sex and the City, when she slid down a firepole and boinked on top of a fire truck. Tabitha? Learn early about fire trucks.

Every time I see a clown, I think of John Wayne Gacy. Somehow, Ronald McDonald becomes a serial killer.

Washington Cube’s last blog post..I Relish A Good Pickle*

rs27 on 20 May, 2008 at 1:41 pm #

Um, hello spoiler alert?

Classic story. Somebody get the kid a happy meal!

rs27’s last blog post..Stick to the B-E-A-T

roissy on 20 May, 2008 at 5:53 pm #

tabitha’s dad = beta.
i could just imagine how his wife whips the poor bastard.

roissy’s last blog post..Overheard In DC