I Watch So You Don’t Have To: Celebrities tell you to vote, act all smug about it

Shortly after moving to DC and taking a job as a newspaper reporter, a hot intern who I tended to ignore in the newsroom told me she thought I was a snob.

She quickly backtracked and said no, she had thought I was a snob but was happy to see I actually wasn’t one.

“Why did you think I was a snob?” I asked her.

“Because,” she responded, “you’re from LA.”

I had never realized that being from Los Angeles could be such a liability on the East Coast Where Apparently Your Shit Don’t Stink.

Sure, LA has Hollywood and diet fads and obnoxious cars and fake boobs and trendy bars named Clear that features clear stools and clear walls — but that doesn’t mean we’re snobs.

At least I hadn’t thought so. Until I watched this video.

This is a video put together by a YouTube user called 5friendsvote and features a bunch of A-list celebrities urging you to vote this November. Noble cause, right? Hollywood activism at its finest, right?

Maybe. If you like being patronized by a bunch of overpaid phonies.

I cannot even begin to explain the condescension these stars exhibit in this video. The “reverse psychology”. The patronizing eyes. The decision to show Natalie Portman on screen for only two seconds. It’s sickening.

So, since I lack the words and it’s Friday, also known as the blogging Sabbath, I’ll just illustrate it for you in my continuing series, “I Watch So You Don’t Have To”. In the photos, I have not changed anything the actors said in the video.

FYI: I hate to do this twice in one week but this was too good to not do it. Besides, it’s my blog; if you don’t like it, get your own fucking blog.

The video starts with celebrities, led off by Earthophile Leonardo DiCaprio, telling you not to vote. See, what they’re doing is called “psychoanalysis in reverse”. They’re telling you not to vote so that you will. Pretty sneaky, sis!

But check out the way they look at you. Look at DiCaprio’s eyes, Forrest Whitaker’s contempt. If this tactic works on you, maybe you deserve to be psychoanalyzed in reverse. Or hypnotized. Or had your skull drilled to release the evil spirits.

Even the two hot chicks from “Friends” get in the act. Courtney Cox addresses you like she just caught you masturbating to photos of her from 1995 and Jennifer Aniston confirms my belief that she, contrary to popular belief, has no friends.

The award, if there were one, for most condescending glare, would go to Halle Berry. Even though she’s already on my shit list, that doesn’t stop her from looking at you like you just peed on her rug but she has no idea how to punish you.

The video does, mercifully, employ some funny actors. Jonah Hill is hysterical, acting all Superbad-ish and making abortion jokes. His best line, though, is “Darfur? I don’t even know where that is. That sounds like a t-shirt company to me.”

So hipster-true, Jonah!

Sarah Silverman, when she’s not taking her bra off, uses her patented [Jewish chick+poop jokes=$$$] formula to win you over.

Ellen DeGeneres, who my mom loves and is totally ok with her being a lesbian, also tries to be funny and sort of succeeds, but even she can’t stop herself from looking down at all you gay and non-gay voters.

But despite any possibly good intentions, the video pounds you with repeated clips of celebrities like Jennifer “Love Me” Aniston looking at you like you’re scum…

…pointing at your soul and questioning your very moral turpitude (like Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon do)…

…or just generally being Ashton Kutcher, which is annoying enough as it is let alone in a PSA:

At the end of the video, DiCaprio comes back one more time to ask you, in a patronizing tone so steeped in disgust, if you’re even aware that you need to first register to vote.

Yes, Leo, I do. But your disdain nearly makes me want to unregister , if I even can, just to laugh in your stupid, smug face.

Oh, and Natalie Portman is also in the video. Like I said above, I didn’t change one word of what they actually said in the video. This is verbatim.

You, too, can feel simultaneously outraged and morally superior to celebrities by watching this video before it gets lampooned on SNL. Click here.

P.S. Whatever happened with the hot intern? Yeah, we hooked up.