* Actual results may vary
Is June 24 your birthday? Are you a blogger? Do you wish to highlight this annual observance of the day you were ejected into this world but fear sounding egomaniacal or vain?
Though it is your blog and people have a choice whether or not to read it, writing about your birthday may seem a tad narcissistic. Short of asking your blogging friends to write about you, or even ignoring your birthday all together, there is a way to blog about this day yet still appear aloof and whimsical.
Here’s my how-to guide:
1. Post a cute picture of yourself at a younger age.
Showing what you looked like as a child makes readers go, “Awwww…” and makes them think you’re not the self-involved asshole they all know you are. Is it a cheap ploy made worse by its gaucheness? Yes. Should you care? Absolutely not.
2. Write self-deprecatingly about how old you are.
Whether you’re a blogger who is turning 18 or 88, waxing pathetically about your age makes you appear humble yet strangely obsessive. For example, if you were turning, say, 33 today, you could write about how you’re really not that old. You’re just the same age Jesus was when he was crucified. Ha ha ha!! Hysterical!!!
3. Tell an embarrassing yet endearing story about a past birthday celebration.
Everyone at some point has done something stupid on his or her birthday. Some people celebrated turning 21 by making Midori Sour their first alcoholic purchase. Others have had their faces stuffed into birthday cakes when they turned 18. And some other people have gotten erections when they turned 13 and the girl they had a crush on sat in their lap.
To some people, all three of these things have happened.
4. Throw a birthday party and blog about it.
Use words like “crazy” and “so fucking drunk” to describe how popular your birthday party was. If you have photos of it, post as many as possible that don’t show you swinging a golf club on the way home.
If you don’t have any photos, be thankful.
5. Write a series of “This Day in History” trivia tidbits so people know why else your birthday is so fucking important.
You could mention that on your birthday, Henry VIII was crowned king of England in 1509, or that the term “flying saucers” was born on your birthday in 1947.
Unfortunately, most people don’t usually care about this crap.
6. Point out other bloggers — like Freckled K and Love is Blonde — who share the same birthday as you.
Two birds, one stone, etc. You get to be magnanimous in the face of birthday-wishing while simultaneously highlighting yourself.
7. Be thankful you’re not THAT old.
It could always be worse. You could be 34.
Thanks to WiB for this heart-warming someecard.
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{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
Happy B-day kid… it was fun to share in the day’s activities, and i hope b/c of the drinking you remember very little of it!
Happy Fuckin’ Birthday, bro!
If only Henry VIII were as hot as Jonathan Rhys Meyers makes him out to be…..
happy birthday! (although it’s almost over according to my clock.)
Smithers: Here are several fine young men who I’m sure are going to go far. Ladies and gentlemen, the Ramones.
Mr. Burns: Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.
Joey Ramone: I’d just like to say this gig sucks!
Johnny Ramone: Hey, up yours, Springfield!
Joey Ramone: One, two, three, four!
[the Ramones start playing a tune and singing "Happy Birthday"]
Joey Ramone: Happy birthday to you!
Johnny Ramone, Christopher Ward: Happy birthday!
Joey Ramone: Happy birthday to you!
Johnny Ramone, Christopher Ward: Happy birthday!
Joey Ramone: Happy birthday, Burnsey! Happy birthday…
Joey Ramone, Johnny Ramone, Christopher Ward: …to you!
Christopher Ward: Go to hell, you old bastard!
Marky Ramone: Hey, I think they liked us.
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren’t the…
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!
Have a, uh, killer Birthday!
Talking Budgie’s last blog post..My head is about to explode…
Thirty three? THIRTY THREE? Yeesh. Happy birthday, you crusty old sod.
Gilahi’s last blog post..So Many of the Icons of My Youth Are Leaving Us
I don’t see anything wrong with being an attention whore. You have a blog…aren’t you already there.
Happy b’day.
Lemmonex’s last blog post..A Letter to My Body
Awww… whore.
lacochran’s last blog post..“So I got that goin’ for me” –Carl Spackler
God, it’s like a holiday, why am I even at work?
The Maiden Metallurgist’s last blog post..Photo Essay Tuesday (Arjewtino Edition)
Happy Birthday! (what the heck, attention is cheap and I didn’t have to wrap it… if it keeps you blogging it’s worth the investment!) Hope you had a great day.
connie’s last blog post..Update: How many did it take to change that bulb?
heyyyyyy hermano. happy birfday. thanks to our time together this weekend, i know which of those birthday memories is the erectile best…
this is a great post. i may have to steal some of it when my birthday comes up in a few weeks ; )
oh, and happy birthday!
Same age as Jesus? And your mom is a virgin too? Hmmm…. Ever do any carpentry?
CPO’s last blog post..Differing (L)attitudes–Chicago and DC
Or you could have the Maiden Metallurgist put your baseball card someplace nice.
rs27’s last blog post..I Don’t Think You’re Ready for This Jelly
Happy Double Tres!
Happy birthday Arjewtino - you are a good kid (gratuitous pat on the head) - glad I stumbled on your blog because the post about your dad’s suit was one of my favorite blog posts ever, in fact I think you should wear his suit today and raise a glass to him and your mom.
Hope you have a wonderful day.
PS stop by my blog on August 13th
Judy C’s last blog post..Two Buck Death Chuck - Trader Joe’s is Silent
Look at that little face. Awwww…
Happy birthday!
Bridal Bird’s last blog post..C is for Cookie, That’s Good Enough for Me…And 130 of Our Nearest and Dearest
I’m many types of whore, but a self-centered one I am not.
Happy Happy. You’re a BABY!
freckledk’s last blog post..100
Happy birthday bro - awesome post. It reminds me of Seinfeld’s take on “happy” birthdays.
“Birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we’ve grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it’s not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.”
Chris’s last blog post..hold that thought
Happy Birthday mate - I hope you’ve learned something in your old age and manage to combine all 3 of your previous most embarassing birthday moments in one inglorious evening. At the same time preferably.
Happy Birthday Freckles!
Wait, being self-absorbed is a bad thing? I think it’s an attribute. Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh, Happy Birthday to YOU!
Marissa’s last blog post..why yes i am retardulously self-absorbed! thanks for noticing!
Happy birthday, sir. Congratulations on being another year closer to death.
JustinS’s last blog post..The other sport of wealthy white people…
I’ll have you know, 34 is WAY better than 33. But 25 trumps both. Thanks for the birthday blogging tips. Oh, and happy birthday!
“And some other people have gotten erections when they turned 13 and the girl they had a crush on sat in their lap.”
When you’re 13, that’s about the biggest compliment you can give a girl. I hope she took it as such.
Scotus’s last blog post..Summer Movie Scorecard
Happy New Year!
Phil’s last blog post..…And you think you’re having a bad day at work (LOL!)
Seeing as my birthday is in two weeks, I will take this post as my how-to guide. Thanks, Arjewtino
Not So Little Woman’s last blog post..Venting
Maybe the homeless guy said Happy New Year to you knowing that your birthday was coming soon. Maybe not.
Happy Birthday!
Sean’s last blog post..Yankee Stadium Poll
Hope your bday was a good one, twin! But dang you are getting old!
you make 27 feel quite young
Happy birthday - It’s my birthday too. I did a little bit of self-deprecation and a little bit of linking. In real life, I’m a birthday jerk who thinks people should call me AND send me cards (this is probably why I get no cards).
Um … again, happy birthday.
Marianne’s last blog post..Thirty *cough-cough-cough* Three
Happy belated Jesus birthday!
jordanbaker’s last blog post..Good fences make good neighbors, and I have no fence.
Awww, Happy Birthday. I share your birthday as well. Hope you had a good day.
K’s last blog post..Birthday Fun
lol. how subtle…. i finished this entire blog and had no idea it was actually the authors birthday until i saw the comments of the not so retarded readers.
GREAT POST!
By way of Janet over at Love is Blonde, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Nilsa’s last blog post..Party
my birthday was on June 24th too! Happy Birthday
wendy’s last blog post..Cubicle Wars Day 2 - Seriously did I just hear you burp?
Happy birthday, grandpa.
Ida’s last blog post..Through Jack’s eyes…
Bon anniversaire!!
That’s Happy Birthday in french, mon ami. Have a good one!!
sorry I missed out on the celebration and actually wishing you happy bday on the day itself. i was in salt lake, so blame the mormons. happy belated!
Your neck’s pretty thick in that pic, bro. Were you a chubby kid?
Sisco’s last blog post..Why I Got Fired
Feliz Cumpleaños!!! Hazelnutt Halem!!(Is this how you say it in jew?)
Happy Belated, bro. Sorry I missed out on the celebration.
ListenToLeon’s last blog post..The Supreme Court Stifled My Swagger
found this just a day too late.
Happy belated Birthday.
And re: #7… fuck you - in the nicest possible way
Anonymous City Girl’s last blog post..I Got Beat Up By A Gang Of Margaritas Last Night
Really? You don’t strike me as a Cancer… Happy Birthday anyway.
Zen’s last blog post..The Wackness