Tuesday, June 24th, 2008...9:08 am
How to blog about your birthday without coming off as a self-centered attention whore*
* Actual results may vary
Is June 24 your birthday? Are you a blogger? Do you wish to highlight this annual observance of the day you were ejected into this world but fear sounding egomaniacal or vain?
Though it is your blog and people have a choice whether or not to read it, writing about your birthday may seem a tad narcissistic. Short of asking your blogging friends to write about you, or even ignoring your birthday all together, there is a way to blog about this day yet still appear aloof and whimsical.
Here’s my how-to guide:
1. Post a cute picture of yourself at a younger age.
Showing what you looked like as a child makes readers go, “Awwww…” and makes them think you’re not the self-involved asshole they all know you are. Is it a cheap ploy made worse by its gaucheness? Yes. Should you care? Absolutely not.
2. Write self-deprecatingly about how old you are.
Whether you’re a blogger who is turning 18 or 88, waxing pathetically about your age makes you appear humble yet strangely obsessive. For example, if you were turning, say, 33 today, you could write about how you’re really not that old. You’re just the same age Jesus was when he was crucified. Ha ha ha!! Hysterical!!!
3. Tell an embarrassing yet endearing story about a past birthday celebration.
Everyone at some point has done something stupid on his or her birthday. Some people celebrated turning 21 by making Midori Sour their first alcoholic purchase. Others have had their faces stuffed into birthday cakes when they turned 18. And some other people have gotten erections when they turned 13 and the girl they had a crush on sat in their lap.
To some people, all three of these things have happened.
4. Throw a birthday party and blog about it.
Use words like “crazy” and “so fucking drunk” to describe how popular your birthday party was. If you have photos of it, post as many as possible that don’t show you swinging a golf club on the way home.
If you don’t have any photos, be thankful.
5. Write a series of “This Day in History” trivia tidbits so people know why else your birthday is so fucking important.
You could mention that on your birthday, Henry VIII was crowned king of England in 1509, or that the term “flying saucers” was born on your birthday in 1947.
Unfortunately, most people don’t usually care about this crap.
6. Point out other bloggers — like Freckled K and Love is Blonde — who share the same birthday as you.
Two birds, one stone, etc. You get to be magnanimous in the face of birthday-wishing while simultaneously highlighting yourself.
7. Be thankful you’re not THAT old.
It could always be worse. You could be 34.
Thanks to WiB for this heart-warming someecard.
44 Comments
June 24th, 2008 at 9:19 am
Happy B-day kid… it was fun to share in the day’s activities, and i hope b/c of the drinking you remember very little of it!
June 24th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Happy Fuckin’ Birthday, bro!
June 24th, 2008 at 9:36 am
If only Henry VIII were as hot as Jonathan Rhys Meyers makes him out to be…..
happy birthday! (although it’s almost over according to my clock.)
June 24th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Smithers: Here are several fine young men who I’m sure are going to go far. Ladies and gentlemen, the Ramones.
Mr. Burns: Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.
Joey Ramone: I’d just like to say this gig sucks!
Johnny Ramone: Hey, up yours, Springfield!
Joey Ramone: One, two, three, four!
[the Ramones start playing a tune and singing "Happy Birthday"]
Joey Ramone: Happy birthday to you!
Johnny Ramone, Christopher Ward: Happy birthday!
Joey Ramone: Happy birthday to you!
Johnny Ramone, Christopher Ward: Happy birthday!
Joey Ramone: Happy birthday, Burnsey! Happy birthday…
Joey Ramone, Johnny Ramone, Christopher Ward: …to you!
Christopher Ward: Go to hell, you old bastard!
Marky Ramone: Hey, I think they liked us.
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren’t the…
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!
Have a, uh, killer Birthday!
Talking Budgie’s last blog post..My head is about to explode…
June 24th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Thirty three? THIRTY THREE? Yeesh. Happy birthday, you crusty old sod.
Gilahi’s last blog post..So Many of the Icons of My Youth Are Leaving Us
June 24th, 2008 at 10:52 am
I don’t see anything wrong with being an attention whore. You have a blog…aren’t you already there.
Happy b’day.
Lemmonex’s last blog post..A Letter to My Body
June 24th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Awww… whore.
lacochran’s last blog post..“So I got that goin’ for me” –Carl Spackler
June 24th, 2008 at 11:10 am
God, it’s like a holiday, why am I even at work?
The Maiden Metallurgist’s last blog post..Photo Essay Tuesday (Arjewtino Edition)
June 24th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Happy Birthday! (what the heck, attention is cheap and I didn’t have to wrap it… if it keeps you blogging it’s worth the investment!) Hope you had a great day.
connie’s last blog post..Update: How many did it take to change that bulb?
June 24th, 2008 at 11:52 am
heyyyyyy hermano. happy birfday. thanks to our time together this weekend, i know which of those birthday memories is the erectile best…
June 24th, 2008 at 11:55 am
this is a great post. i may have to steal some of it when my birthday comes up in a few weeks ; )
oh, and happy birthday!
June 24th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Same age as Jesus? And your mom is a virgin too? Hmmm…. Ever do any carpentry?
CPO’s last blog post..Differing (L)attitudes–Chicago and DC
June 24th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Or you could have the Maiden Metallurgist put your baseball card someplace nice.
rs27’s last blog post..I Don’t Think You’re Ready for This Jelly
June 24th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Happy Double Tres!
June 24th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Happy birthday Arjewtino - you are a good kid (gratuitous pat on the head) - glad I stumbled on your blog because the post about your dad’s suit was one of my favorite blog posts ever, in fact I think you should wear his suit today and raise a glass to him and your mom.
Hope you have a wonderful day.
PS stop by my blog on August 13th
Judy C’s last blog post..Two Buck Death Chuck - Trader Joe’s is Silent
June 24th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Look at that little face. Awwww…
Happy birthday!
Bridal Bird’s last blog post..C is for Cookie, That’s Good Enough for Me…And 130 of Our Nearest and Dearest
June 24th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I’m many types of whore, but a self-centered one I am not.
Happy Happy. You’re a BABY!
freckledk’s last blog post..100
June 24th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Happy birthday bro - awesome post. It reminds me of Seinfeld’s take on “happy” birthdays.
“Birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we’ve grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it’s not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.”
Chris’s last blog post..hold that thought
June 24th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Happy Birthday mate - I hope you’ve learned something in your old age and manage to combine all 3 of your previous most embarassing birthday moments in one inglorious evening. At the same time preferably.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Happy Birthday Freckles!
June 24th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Wait, being self-absorbed is a bad thing? I think it’s an attribute. Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh, Happy Birthday to YOU!
Marissa’s last blog post..why yes i am retardulously self-absorbed! thanks for noticing!
June 24th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Happy birthday, sir. Congratulations on being another year closer to death.
JustinS’s last blog post..The other sport of wealthy white people…
June 24th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
I’ll have you know, 34 is WAY better than 33. But 25 trumps both. Thanks for the birthday blogging tips. Oh, and happy birthday!
June 24th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
“And some other people have gotten erections when they turned 13 and the girl they had a crush on sat in their lap.”
When you’re 13, that’s about the biggest compliment you can give a girl. I hope she took it as such.
Scotus’s last blog post..Summer Movie Scorecard
June 24th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Happy New Year!
Phil’s last blog post..…And you think you’re having a bad day at work (LOL!)
June 24th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Seeing as my birthday is in two weeks, I will take this post as my how-to guide. Thanks, Arjewtino
Not So Little Woman’s last blog post..Venting
June 24th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
Maybe the homeless guy said Happy New Year to you knowing that your birthday was coming soon. Maybe not.
Happy Birthday!
Sean’s last blog post..Yankee Stadium Poll
June 24th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Hope your bday was a good one, twin! But dang you are getting old!
you make 27 feel quite young
June 24th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
Happy birthday - It’s my birthday too. I did a little bit of self-deprecation and a little bit of linking. In real life, I’m a birthday jerk who thinks people should call me AND send me cards (this is probably why I get no cards).
Um … again, happy birthday.
Marianne’s last blog post..Thirty *cough-cough-cough* Three
June 25th, 2008 at 6:09 am
Happy belated Jesus birthday!
jordanbaker’s last blog post..Good fences make good neighbors, and I have no fence.
June 25th, 2008 at 6:37 am
Awww, Happy Birthday. I share your birthday as well. Hope you had a good day.
K’s last blog post..Birthday Fun
June 25th, 2008 at 7:34 am
lol. how subtle…. i finished this entire blog and had no idea it was actually the authors birthday until i saw the comments of the not so retarded readers.
GREAT POST!
June 25th, 2008 at 7:52 am
By way of Janet over at Love is Blonde, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Nilsa’s last blog post..Party
June 25th, 2008 at 11:36 am
my birthday was on June 24th too! Happy Birthday
wendy’s last blog post..Cubicle Wars Day 2 - Seriously did I just hear you burp?
June 25th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Happy birthday, grandpa.
Ida’s last blog post..Through Jack’s eyes…
June 25th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Bon anniversaire!!
That’s Happy Birthday in french, mon ami. Have a good one!!
June 25th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
sorry I missed out on the celebration and actually wishing you happy bday on the day itself. i was in salt lake, so blame the mormons. happy belated!
June 27th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Your neck’s pretty thick in that pic, bro. Were you a chubby kid?
Sisco’s last blog post..Why I Got Fired
June 27th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Feliz Cumpleaños!!! Hazelnutt Halem!!(Is this how you say it in jew?)
June 27th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Happy Belated, bro. Sorry I missed out on the celebration.
ListenToLeon’s last blog post..The Supreme Court Stifled My Swagger
June 28th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
found this just a day too late.
Happy belated Birthday.
And re: #7… fuck you - in the nicest possible way
Anonymous City Girl’s last blog post..I Got Beat Up By A Gang Of Margaritas Last Night
July 7th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Really? You don’t strike me as a Cancer… Happy Birthday anyway.
Zen’s last blog post..The Wackness
August 13th, 2008 at 12:10 am
[...] regular helping of his unique heeby wisdom (I do so love my people!). I was not disappointed - an ironic birthday celebration was in full swing. And I do love irony. So with a tip of the birthday hat to the master [...]
March 2nd, 2009 at 9:05 pm
In fourteen more years you’ll be my age. Know what’s cool about that? You just do whatever you want without caring if you come off as a self-centered attention whore.
Happened upon your blog while googling the Ramones. Happy Birthday!
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