A lot has changed since I last went to the gym

“The gym” is a place that used to silently mock me whenever I walked by:

“Hey fatty, you enjoying that fifth slice of pizza?” it would say.

“Right, the dry cleaner shrunk your pants. I don’t think so.”

“No, Arjewtino, that scale is not off.”

Well judge no longer, “gym”, because I am once again a member of your exclusive little club. And I have a sweet access card on my keychain to prove it.

Two years since I last belonged to a gym, I have signed up to take part in the masturbatory ritual that is known as “working out”. After stepping on a friend’s scale a few weeks ago that revealed a number I never imagined I’d see and was not, as I futilely purported, “wrong”, I realized the Dodgers wouldn’t sign me to a long-term contract anytime soon if I didn’t do something about it.

But man, a lot has changed since I last went to a gym. And I’m not just talking about seeing more men blow drying their hair. These are the top five things that have changed since I last stepped foot inside a gym.

1. iPods.

The last time I worked out in a gym, I carried my now-retro CD player with me, listening to entire albums I hoped wouldn’t skip tracks from the jolt of my running. These CD players were cumbersome and inconvenient.

Now, everyone has an iPod strapped to their bicep. So do I, because I’ll be damned if anyone catches me stuffing the equivalent of a boom box down my pants.

2. Workout fashion.

No place outside of a discothèque (do people still call it that?) demands as important a need to dress well than a gym. Between something called Under Armour and the lack of sweats and spandex, a gym these days is a veritable style house where you can spot the latest trends.

My workout clothes are from Target.

3. New treadmill technology.

Stepping on a computerized treadmill is like traveling to the future. These machines with the pretty graphics and complicated running schemes are so advanced now they do everything but file your taxes for you. They even plug into overhead TVs. This led to the following discussion with The Princess:

Arjewtino: “How do I start this thing?”

The Princess: “You enter your information and select the kind of running program you want, set your levels and time minimums.”

AJT: “…”

TP: “Just press ‘Start’.”

4. Lack of shame.

The gym used to practically be a library run by an old maid, a place where you quietly tune out the world around you and take on the need to conquer your weight shame. Now, people are talking and screaming at each other, at the weights themselves, or in the case of a man my friend Kathryn dubbed the Grunting Man, at oneself.

Everytime the Grunting Man lifts a barbell above his shoulders or crunches a sit-up, he lets out the loudest groan I have ever heard outside of a porno. He is fully aware he’s doing it because, if you’re new at the gym, the sound will cause such a panic in you that you will stare at the Grunting Man in disbelief.

5. Trainers are nice now.

Back in my day, trainers were intimidating bodybuilder types whose dreams of winning American Gladiator were dashed by the show’s cancellation. Now, they look more like you or me. Mostly me.

On Saturday, I asked a dude who even I could have bench pressed to show me how to use the squats machine without getting squished. He was affable, helpful, and pleasant.

I even offered to help him with his American Gladiator application.

I’m already enjoying going to the gym, remembering again how much energy working out gives me and liking the results when I look into the mirror. I’ve started reading workout magazines again and care more about what I eat (General Tso’s chicken is now just a once-a-month “cheat” meal).

Now if I could just figure out this treadmill business…

FIRST PHOTO CREDIT

IPOD PHOTO CREDIT

TREADMILL PHOTO CREDIT

TRAINER PHOTO CREDIT