I saw Alabama once.
On a train trip from Houston to Washington, DC several years ago, I rode through the Heart of Dixie, looking out the window, and admiring its Southern beauty.
I saw shacks. I saw dirt roads. I even saw poor people.
The only thing I didn’t see was Jews.
But if the Jewish community of a mostly Christian town in Alabama has anything to do about it, that might soon change.
A Jewish group from Dothan, Alabama, is willing to pay me and any other Jews willing to relocate to the Bible Belt town up to $50,000. Just for being Jewish!
This might be the first time in my life I have ever qualified for this much money for doing and being absolutely nothing.
The group, called Blumberg Family Jewish Community Services, is headed by Larry Blumberg, a Jewish lawyer who is worried about the dearth of Chosen People in the South. With small town synagogues closing and Jews fleeing for larger cities, Blumberg has promised up to $50,000 to any Jewish families who move to Dothan.
There is, of course, a catch or two.
Once there, you have to get involved with Temple Emanu-El. You have to stay there five years. And you have to fill out a long online application that asks you how you “maintain your Jewish home and celebrate your Judaism at home”.
Maintain my Jewish home? Does eating fake bacon count?
Also, the $50,000 is split up into separate grants. For example, you get $7,500 for relocating, $1,000 for temple membership, and $15,000 for repaying college loans.
So in reality, even if I were approved by JCS on the strength of my awesomely Jewcy application, I would only qualify for only $23,000.
Only. I’d move down the street if it saved me $23 a month in rent. I’d move my ass back and forth for 23 cents. The only thing I won’t move, apparently, is my friends’ furniture when they’re moving. Sorry for the no-show, Klein.
Still, would I seriously consider moving to a Southern city so desperate for Members of the Tribe that it’s trying to lure me there with the promise of money? Moses moved to the wilderness for the promise of freedom and even he died before getting to the Holy Land, so I don’t know.
Dothan does seem enticing, though. There’s very little traffic. The beach is 80 miles away. It’s near the Army’s main helicopter training base. And, best of all, it’s the…wait for it…site of the National Peanut Festival.
Yeah, THAT National Peanut Festival.
Nah, it’s probably best to dismiss such thoughts of an exodus. I’m celebrating my Judaism at home just fine here in Takoma Park, Maryland.
Unless we’re talking $100,000. Even Moses would have done it for that much.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
DOTHAN!!!!! My ex-husband is from Dothan. I’ve spent a fair amount of time there. Fun fact: it’s the home of Lifestyles Condoms.
Shannon’s last blog post..Will the Real Me Please Stand Up?
I once bought Lifetsyle condoms that were…uh…wait, I can’t tell that story here.
Shannon always comes through with the random and unexpected tidbit.
LivitLuvit’s last blog post..Bitches are Crazy and Doods are Dumb
She’s a good one, that one.
No offense to Dothan peeps, i really mean that, but no Fucking way would i move to Alabama, let alone to a town of 58,000 people. In the South. No. Way. I have family in towns that size in the Midwest and they can’t flee fast enough. The South would only be that much worse… sorry. And for a Jew? fuggit about it…
I would love to visit Dothan, actually, I really would. And go to Shabbat services.
Just for the stories.
Dothan has a couple of pretty decent restaurants, a bunch of peanut statues, and is also the hometown of the original Tarzan. Oh, and they have a Cracker Barrel.
Shannon’s last blog post..Will the Real Me Please Stand Up?
Cracker Barrel? Are you trying to convince me to go or dissuade me?
The pervasive ham biscuit density of the South causes a large percentage of Jewish people to spontaneously combust shortly after attempting to relocate. Many move down, but few survive the first month. All those scorch-marks on the sidewlks of Alabama? Remnants of Jewish emigres. Read the fine print & disclaimers on that contract - I am not making this up.
Go ahead though. Move on down. The power of Jimmy Dean compels you.
I met Jimmy Dean once. He made fun of my sneakers.
Hey. I lived down south in a cruddy little town west of Charlotte for awhile and I actually liked it. 2 hours from the mountains and three hours to the ocean. The rednecks would give you plenty of blog fodder.
But I want to know what exactly they mean by “getting involved” in the life of the temple. Seriously. As an ex-church worker, I fear for statements like that. Run. Run like the wind. Away from Alabama
k8’s last blog post..Therapy Tuesdays
Yeah, “getting involved” would be my worry, too. But, like you said, at least I’d get plenty of blogging material.
Wow, and it’s only a Reform synagogue (which my orthodox grandfather would have called a “church”), so who couldn’t handle that? I knew a guy from Opelika, AL, who, by age 35, had never met a Jew (or tasted garlic). The median family income in Dothan is $35,000 as opposed to $68,000 in Skokie. But I bet you could get a huge house in Dothan for a song.
Danny’s last blog post..Best of the Worst
That’s a good point that’s not really factored into living there. I bet you could get a huge house there for the same cost of half a bathroom in DC.
only $1000 to help with temple membership? or is it really that cheap down there?
my dad always wondered about Jews that ended up in small towns in the south, and how they decided that place was the land of milk & honey when they were leaving Europe.
Only $1,000 to become a member, which you end up losing money on since membership is always more than that. Even there.
On behalf of the Jewish community of Washington, our counter-offer to keep you in the area mishpocheh is 23 cents. Now move that ass!
CPO’s last blog post..September Member of the Month: Elizabeth Dayton
Hmm, 23 cents or $23,000? I’m Jewish, I should know which offer is the better one.
And what sports teams do you follow there?
Neilochka’s last blog post..Is the Blogosphere More Democratic or Republican?
The same ones I do here. There’s NO way I would ever root for the University of Alabama.
Sometimes I worry that my latest post sucked or I wasn’t able to articulate what I wanted to say JUST right.
Then I read your blog and realize things could always be worse…
Finally, the answer to my unemployment woes! Free temple membership and Lifestyle condoms makers of the Kimono condom (ok I looked it up) - I am working on my southern drawl as we speak.
I’m working on my banjo skills.
you have GOT to be kidding me!!!
No. No, I’m not.
Dude. I live in WV now… Alabama could not be that much worse. Can I convert or something or does that not count?
Maxie’s last blog post..Kudos to you John McCain
Getting in on a technicality is just the kind of resourcefulness we Jews are known for! It’s gotta work!
I went to Dothan for Shannon’s wedding. I hope never to go back. Ever. Going to Dothan for $50k is like Bart trading his soul to Milhouse for $5.
Kevin’s last blog post..“Illinois Nazis? I hate Illinois Nazis.”
Might I also point out that at said wedding, Kevin sat in the very back row of the church. He figured that if I walked into a church in a white dress and a veil, God would quite possibly strike me dead then and there, and it would be safer in the back.
Thanks, buddy. Oh, and at the reception he asked me if I really shouldn’t be standing on top of a cake somewhere.
Shannon’s last blog post..Special Guest Post, by a Very Special Internet Wacko
Crap! I have to be married and have a family? Does my goyshe schvartze boyfriend count? I’m guessing not. Alas, no 23,000 for me. But no Alabama for me, either. Which sounds like a bit of a winning proposition. I can easily be a cultural minority in Santiago without the snickers or sideways glances. (mostly).
eileen’s last blog post..Surinam screwed me
I talked to Nathan and WE ARE IN! As long as they up it to 100k. What the hell…I can alienate my family in Portland Oregon or I can I alianate my family in Dothan Georgia. Same diff. Thanks for the lead my love!
icouldkillher’s last blog post..Jew + Women + Summer Camp + Chardonnay = Elaine’s upcoming weekend!
I’m with k8, that mandatory ‘be involved with the temple’ bit sounds cult-ish.
Connie’s last blog post..Swim lessons