Thursday, March 8th, 2007...9:48 am
Is that a pickup line in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
“What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me ending up together?” — Jim Carrey, Dumb and Dumber
It’s clear that men and women have no idea how to use pickup lines. The overuse of astrology inquiries, bad puns, and faulty idioms has made a mockery of these conversation starters and relegated the unctuous art form to the dump heap of inter-sex mating rituals.
Thank goodness for “Ladies’ Home Journal”.
A recent LHJ article (which I read on MSN, I swear) gave advice to women on the top 10 best pickup lines to use on men. It didn’t address how men might better improve their lines because we all know men are hopeless.
The writer’s “research”, apparently, included talking to a male dating coach and rehashing all her failed pickup lines. Pretty good gig she’s got going there. A couple of quotes, some bad memories, save, print, cha-ching!
Let’s analyze and rate a few of these pickup lines and see if we can’t give some women out there the cojones to approach men.
“Hi!”
Rating: 8 (out of 10)
Brilliant. Every single piece of advice on approaching women I’ve ever read says to open up with this gem. Of course, it NEVER includes what to say next. I suppose women need to be told the same thing since men never think to start conversations with the most popular, casual form of hello.
“That’s a cool pocket-watch. Where’d you get it?”
Rating: 3.5
Pocketwatch? Though I may have once called for the return of the pocketwatch in men’s fashion, I don’t think women will find any men who actually own and wear them. Ladies, the men you’re attracted to are pretty few as it is; you might not want to narrow the field down any further by using this ancient fashion relic as a factor.
“Don’t you think Batman’s cooler than Superman because he doesn’t have super-powers to fall back on?”
Rating: 4
First of all, this is a dumb question. Superman is way cooler because he is the only superhero who must pretend to be his alter ego everyday. That makes him unique. Batman, while a tragic figure, is the result of a privileged yet vengeful man.
Second of all, would hearing the above response to such a question actually make the approached guy more attractive?
“This new Snickers bar is fabulous. You’ve got to try it.”
Rating: 2
Aside from the fact that I have NEVER seen a woman eat a Snickers, I can tell you I have definitely never seen a woman be SO enthusiastic about a Snickers bar that she feels the need to approach a man to inform him on how it tastes. Besides, I’ve been eating Snickers for 31 years, I’m pretty sure I know what they taste like.
“So, what are you doing here?”
Rating: 1.5
What are you, my mother? Can’t I go out without some strange woman checking up on me? Do I know you from MySpace? Did you stalk me on Facebook? This line screams “psycho”.
“I never do this, but I think you’re cute and I got tired of waiting for you to talk to me.”
Rating: 10
Fact: Men like to be told they’re attractive. Myth: Women shouldn’t tell men this. This line is the only legitimate pickup line I think will actually work on men. It’s direct, it’s honest, and it’s low on bullshit. There’s no way a woman can fail using it.
Unless she’s ugly.
27 Comments
March 8th, 2007 at 10:14 am
Okay, first of all that graphic is out-freakin-standing.
Second of all, “I never do this, but I think you’re cute and I got tired of waiting for you to talk to me.” would be enough for me. No question.
Of course, like you’ve added, unless she’s ugly. A conversation starter can be the greatest line ever, but it only works if the guy likes it and the girl.
My friend once explained the best way to approach women was A, B, and C, but then qualified it with, “Of course, this only works if he’s cute.”
March 8th, 2007 at 10:15 am
Absolutely fascinating. There’s this idea floating around out there that men feel emasculated by strong women. Thoughts?
Have you ever tried the anonymous drink purchase? In the age of roofies, does that move still work?
I love strong women. My whole life, I have ONLY been attracted to strong women, simultaneously the meaning to and bane of my existence. And I agree with the anonymous drink purchase, I’m not sure too many women let men buy them a drink anymore, comes across as skeezy.
March 8th, 2007 at 10:28 am
how often do you think the average ladies home jounral haggis is
1. at bars
2. horny
3. interested in picking up men
4. successful at it
More than you think but less than I envision.
March 8th, 2007 at 10:44 am
Genius.
However, refering back to your “Dork” post for a minute, I would be attracted to a guy who could discuss Batman v. Superman v. Spiderman and not be embarassed about it. It shows honesty and someone who doesn’t care too much what other people think. But that’s just me.
On another note, I think the pocketwatch pickup line meant an overall compliment such as “That’s an awesome T-shirt” which would get a much higher rating.
Sure, but then she should say that. If someone complimented me on, say, my suspenders, I’d think she was making fun of me. Which is another turn-on for me.
Something I forgot to mention was that Spiderman was — and is — my favorite superhero.
March 8th, 2007 at 11:03 am
*this* is the article you should have forwarded me. this is hi-fucking-larious. if i ever, EVER were to ask if he’s tried the new snickers bar in hopes of scoring a date, just lock me up in the nunnery with a bunch of cats. b/c that’s where i belong.
although i will say i like the can i sit with you so i don’t get hit on b/c that could open up a nice and flirty conversation.
I thought about sending you this one but then decided to write about it myself. I’m selfish like that.
Yeah, that pickup line wasn’t as easily mocked, which makes it low on the Arjewtino totem pole of Things I’ll Blog About.
March 8th, 2007 at 11:16 am
Jo -
I think the watch comment might not work for a t-shirt. By commenting on his watch, a status symbol even in today’s no-watch-wearing culture, you are saying, you have nice taste in things that matter… like watches. Or something.
I know that I am more flattered when someone compliments me on something obscure, like my shoes or my watch (of which I have a rad one), than something obvious like my shirt or my glasses.
But guys don’t generally notice these things. You’re asking men to become observant of things we often find trivial. We have absolutely no opinions on shoes but we’ll notice your boobs a mile away.
March 8th, 2007 at 11:28 am
Jane, I meant a cool T-shirt. Like a really unique graphic, or your favorite band, or just a really clever saying.
Maybe it depends on the person, but if someone complimented me on my watch I’d say thanks and go back to ordering my beer.
But doesn’t complimenting a girl on her T-shirt, ironic or not, indicate that a guy was scoping out her chest?
March 8th, 2007 at 11:29 am
I’ve been married for a few years, so don’t pick up on guys anymore, but that doesn’t stop me from meeting guys still. I’ve met several guys in our small town at the bar we frequent, with my husband of course. When I think about it, they probably thought I was picking up on them at first. I just sit down next to guys (or girls) and start talking to them, and I always start by introducing myself. It works pretty well just not trying and being normal. We’ve made a lot of friends that way.
You tease.
There is a huge difference, I think, between being friendly and being flirty. Women are better at identifying that line, though.
March 8th, 2007 at 11:35 am
i think i would buy one of my friends a drink if they tried to pick up a guy with the line “your pocketwatch is cool” and could keep a straight face. that would be hilarious.
but come on, as soon as someone says, “i never usually do this…” i think, right, this kid is lame.
That is the most obvious lie a person can use when hitting on someone. But I think you should use that line next time you’re out, even if the guy doesn’t have a pocketwatch.
March 8th, 2007 at 11:44 am
“Get your coat,” has always worked out well for me.
At the Front Page HH, I was approached with, “So, do you want to get out of here?” No pussy-footing around with that one. I would have preferred he at least stick around and ogle my rack before getting right down to it.
He probably did but you didn’t notice. Then again, guys aren’t all that subtle. I mean, look at Twoste.
March 8th, 2007 at 12:25 pm
How’s about “I’m bi-sexual and my female lover and I want to hump you.”
That would work on just about any guy.
I think we have a winner. Foolproof way to pick up a guy.
March 8th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
It didn’t address how men might better improve their lines because we all know men are hopeless.
Hahaha I could agree more.
I also find that walking up to a guy and randomly speaking in a language other than English is a real attention- grabber.
Oh sure, G, great idea, get all Glossolaliac on these poor boys.
March 8th, 2007 at 1:56 pm
I’m retarted. That would be “couldn’t agree more.”
March 8th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
I’ve always enjoyed the pick-up line used on Rock Creek Rambler: “You look depressed”.
Seems like he’s made out pretty well since hearing that line, so to speak.
March 8th, 2007 at 2:56 pm
how about - Those jeans are really slimming - for your penis.
Maybe women just need to stop dropping hints and start dropping “penis” references. That happened to you, right?
March 8th, 2007 at 8:29 pm
Great post and fantastic picture. That said, I’m really not sure women need to look any farther than that “hi” line. If a cute girl comes up to me, looks me in the eye, and says hi, I will do my best to keep the conversation going…unless, as you say, she’s ugly.
It really is as simple as that, right? If you think she’s cute, all she has to do is come up to you, no games, no fucking around.
March 8th, 2007 at 10:49 pm
I’m a huge nerd, but I’d instantly doubt the sanity of a girl if she tried to pick me up by talking about superheroes.
Yeah, that’s a conversation for later; it’s not to be used as a starter.
March 9th, 2007 at 8:03 am
What do you mean women never eat Snickers, it´s my favorite chocolate bar, it has it all, nougat, caramel, chocolate and nuts!
You’re such a liar, you looked up the ingredients on Wikipedia.
March 9th, 2007 at 10:17 am
I actually have a theory on picking up women that i’m pretty proud of and I’d like to ask your opinion of. Seriously i have thought about this. I believe the secret is:
Tell a smart woman she’s beautiful.
Tell a beautiful woman she is smart.
This simple rule can be expanded on tho, in that you need to figure out which of those two SHE thinks she is.
And if you end up in a relationship her sense of self and which one she identifies with can change from day to day. So you have to keep up.
What do you reckon?
(picking up men - I just ask them about themselves…Actually isn’t that one of the worst things about DC? Everyone’s opening line is “what do you do?”!)
I’ve heard that before and it probably is true, but not as a conversation starter. Those things are best left to later in the relationship, like the second or even third date.
March 9th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
“Hi” never works for me. But that’s because I when I say it, then I have to wait for him to say something else. Invariably, all of the pressure leads to either an awkward silence or an even more awkward conversation.
And re: t-shirts — girls wear funny or cute t-shirts because they want you to look at their chests. So, commenting on it means that (1) their evil plan has worked and (2) you’re not gay.
True. Actually, the best follow-up to Hi is to then tell the person about a conversation you were just having with a friend about [insert conversation you were just having with a friend here] and ask him what he thinks. For example: “My friend and I were just discussing the benefits of piercings. What do you think?”
March 9th, 2007 at 2:45 pm
I actually have a pocket watch that my fiance gave me. I love it, wear it every day, and get comments just about every time it comes out. I should have got one when I was single. A monocle…hmmm….
A monocle would take balls. And a strong face bone.
March 9th, 2007 at 4:42 pm
I’ve found that a simple Hi, or Hello works pretty well. Then you can follow up with “Hello, my name is____, what’s your’s?” It’s direct and to the point. If they’re not feeling it, they’re not feeling it. No need to waste time being coy and stupid about the matter. If you’re smoker and they’re a smoker, asking for a light works well too.
If they’re not feeling it, they’re not feeling it. It’s really that simple, isn’t it?
March 9th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
Well, I think I have to agree with you- I don’t think women really need to have a pick up line. In my experience, eye contact, a big smile, and a sincere “hello” is more than enough…
And somehow, I find it hard to believe that you need pickup lines either… But the dork-thing is charming anyway!
I think you’re right about the sincerity thing. So often, people just think you’re “on” rather than being earnest.
March 9th, 2007 at 10:07 pm
Cell phones ruined my game. Back in high school, I’d meet girls by going up to them, starting with an embarrassed “I need to ask you something…” and then unexpectedly asking for a quarter to make a call. This almost always worked because women found it funny — probably because I set it up like I was going to ask them out or ask them something very serious.
That’s a step above “Do you have the time?” Every chick, I’m sorry to say, knew you were making a pass. “Making a pass”? Is that term ever used anymore?
March 11th, 2007 at 10:30 pm
[...] thought about all the posts I could write. About how I came up with better pickup lines than Good Housekeeping. How I met Blelvis. I thought about how boys are impossible to read, and how girls say they hate [...]
Now that you’ve met Blelvis, you’re officially a DC resident, even if you ARE from Rockville.
July 2nd, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Women need pickup lines? That’s news.
It is helpful to know how to converse and flirt a bit. I also rarely ask a guy what he does. I may ask what he enjoys doing, but not what his work is. That’s an overused question in this area, that I don’t believe necessarily defines a person. As a potential friend, or a potential, “more,” sometimes it’s just obvious, does he like the music, how does he know the host, some comment on what’s going on at the event or the surroundings. As others have said, if he’s intrigued enough, he’ll make efforts to keep it going, also.
September 4th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
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